Hi James,
I don’t know how much help this will be but I have a life experience similar to yours, to a point. I had a father who didn’t know how to father also, but I had a mother who was completely hands off as well. I had the necessities – food on the table, a roof over my head, parents who were always there in body – but very little love or emotional support. I had similar school experiences, junior high especially, when I experienced panic attacks to such a degree that I missed quite a bit of school, whether I was there or not. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, so how could I tell anyone else, especially parents that wanted me to carry on, to excel and above all to be “normal”? I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew I wasn’t “normal”. I struggled along for years, finally reading about anxiety and panic attacks and figuring out how to handle my problems on my own. What made the most difference for me was spending a semester in university studying abroad. I was frightened to take such a step – I’d never even been on an airplane before, nor had I spent any time at all on my own – but it was the best thing I ever did. In those days, there was no internet (yes, I’m a bit older than you, lol) and there were no cell phones, so my contact with my family was limited to occasional phone calls and weekly letters. Being on my own built my confidence and showed me that I could actually stand on my own and deal with life experiences. It gave me exposure to different people and places, and time to think, on my own, without my parents’ influence, about what I wanted out of life (I was 20 years old then). Although I’ve continued to deal with anxiety and panic attacks occasionally, that experience of being on my own propelled me into a very good life – career, spouse, children, friends, my own interests. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about life. I think a similar experience would do you good, as you would learn first-hand that you are stronger and more capable than you feel right now. Good luck!