Bebedough – Appreciate the comment. I’m trying to move past it – like I said I know nothing happened but it seems to bug me quite abit, maybe because I’ve been trying to convince myself that he was nothing before.

One thing I will admit is that I’m highly insecure – mostly due to commitment and past relationships having been cheated on before. I guess part of me does worry about committing myself whilst giving her the power to hurt me but that’s what a relationship is ey – trusting the other person not to hurt you.

Anita – I see it this way; she was attracted to me even though I was wrong for her. She didn’t know where it was headed but she enjoyed it – she’d doubt us after I’d give her no intention of staying, carrying on with my drinking and going out as well as having let go off some of her values as a result.
That’s where this other guy comes in.. He had qualities and was the type she’d envisaged herself with; her safe option – if I did ever leave, at least she’d be able to go back to what she knew before.

I don’t think she’d have told him hence what she said on that night.. ‘I don’t want him to know about us’. Bear in mind she did ask me if I wanted to be more serious at this point and I said no.

And no I don’t think I would’ve – that would’ve happened before I was with her so it’s irrelevant in my eyes. I guess the reason why this guy bothers me is because I thought she was liking/wanting to be with him INSTEAD of me.

We’ve talked and come to an understanding – she’s been completely honest about everything. Albeit it’s late but still.

LostSoul92

@anita

Hi Anita

Your points really hit home – that’s the one side of my thinking.

She always admitted to trying to making me jealous and how it never worked – she said she’d want me to be a little more possessive rather than little interest and time I spent on her. I guess at the time I saw her as easily replaceable or the relationship didn’t mean much to me.

Her interest in Imran is quite clear and I’ve spoke to her about this – she’s told me she always feared I’d leave and as much as she liked me she questioned where the relationship would be going or how long I’d stay. It doesn’t sit right with me but I couldn’t offer her what she wanted at the time and even when she did ask me, I’d said no. So I don’t think it gives me a right to hold her back?
In her eyes there’s no relationship without marriage – what we had was simply a bit of fun and she had her goals set out. In truth, I felt and knew the same at the time – I feel like I’m bringing my feelings that I have now to analyse the situation whereas I didn’t feel so strongly about her then.

I can’t forgive her for her lying but I can understand it. She knew telling me the truth would result in me leaving – it’d have been a scary place to be in and not one I’d want to be in myself.

I’ve asked her and she says she didn’t want to ruin what we had for a stupid mistake – that she only considered this guy for selfish reasons (marriage) and that it’d provide her the life she wanted.

I took your advice and spoken to my closest friend about it and he takes the view that it’s manageable. Her considering Imran was fair because I never gave her reason to stay – I knew what she wanted in life and her goals of marriage but I was happy being non committed. Again, he agreed her lying isn’t excusable but I should view stuff from her angle – the reasons she lied and the fear she’d have felt.

I’m stuck in limbo. I adore the girl and would want someone to forgive me if I’d made the same mistakes – however I’m worried if I’ll ever trust her again?

I honestly appreciate your thoughts and input Anita 🙂

LostSoul92

Hi Anita,

The teasing stopped after that night – and she mentioned him once more after that. That conversation was started by me.. I was talking about Imrans type of girls etc and she just asked me questions. She did finish it off by telling me ‘I don’t think I would’ve liked him to be honest’

She’d tease about pretty much all the guys at work but with him being from the same culture, I guess I saw that as more realistic.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think it’s right what she did but I do understand it. If you’d let someone in for the first time wouldn’t you be scared of losing them?

The arguments we had were quite intense and at some point I do believe I would’ve probably told the truth by then.

Wow thank you all 🙂 @Marliv @ninasakura

That’s what it’s basically become – an issue I’ve never let go off and we’ve wound up in a circle constantly. In my gut the excuses she gave never felt right and I guess now I have the truth I’ve got the choice of what to do with it.
The commitment is another thing – I never thought of marriage till she popped along but I guess she has everything I’d want in a partner and she’s bettered me, I’ve got all them qualities she wanted to start with! But still – am I rushing? Am I looking past these things?

The reason I can’t hold it against her is because of what you said, I’m the one that said no – she offered me the chance and I turned it down. So what right do I have to stop her finding a guy who she believes will provide her with that security and commitment? I guess I was always honest to her though; I wanted a relationship but I didn’t want one leading to marriage.

Nina; I guess she didn’t plan on telling me.. and I’ve never let it go since that night. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t an added reason to my insecurity/overthinking. Each time we’d argue and break up over this, I’d always go back saying how I’d made it all up in my head, I’m being silly etc.. And she’d take me back. But throughout this whole time of passing the blame, she knew it wasn’t all made up in my head. All I’d ever asked is for her to tell me she’d considered him/he was an option for her. She only admitted it when I told her our marriage would be based on a lie going forward.

I don’t mind not being the first/only guy in her life – she’s had proposals in the past but they’ve never led to anything. She’s met up with guys for marriage but again led to nothing. The reason it bothers me is because this happened whilst she was WITH me, not before or after.

And the only betrayal I feel is the lying – and that I probably would’ve broken up with her at the time she said if she told me the truth.

These are my issues at the moment;

1) I’ve wasted over 20 months going over and over this in my head that it’s become a major issue. I don’t know how to get out of that or move past it – I’ve got a terrible habit of overthinking everything.
2) She lied to me – I understand why and the fear of losing me. But how could she pass the blame to me each time when she knew the truth?
3) I would’ve broke up with her at the time if I knew the truth – and now it almost feels like I’ve been living a lie. I’m in love with the girl though and I’m scared I’d be making a huge mistake letting her go
4) I constantly wonder if other happy couples have an ‘Imran’ in their relationship – I wonder if the girl wanted someone else whilst she was with her partner? And it’s a tough blow to take.

In truth, I want nothing more than to get over this Imran guy and live happily ever after! I just don’t know how to do it.

Another thing is that I was her first.. Her first kiss, the first guy she’d ever let touch etc

She said I’d been the first guy she’d ever let in and I always took this for granted and never showed any intention of staying. When she said she didn’t want to ruin her chances with Imran, it was because no ‘criteria’ person would want her knowing so. I clearly said no to her after everything she’d risked so why should she keep risking?

Also that Imran could’ve been anyone – anyone who seemed ready and settled on the idea of marriage. She’d never had considered him if she hadn’t thought that about him.