Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your lovely, lovely words. I can’t tell you how appreciative I am of your support. What a truly wonderful person you are.

We are still living together, and he has agreed to go to private therapy, which I have arranged for him. But our relationship is just in limbo. We are still sleeping in the same bed, which is probably counter productive. He will still cuddle me, and kiss me, albeit not often. He tells me he does really love me, and that he is so sorry for ever putting us in this position.

I am torn between loving him immensely and just wanting to be in his arms, and for him to get better and get in touch with his higher self, as I know he will be proud of the person he has become. But I am torn between this and hating him for the hurt he has caused me, and just not wanting to be around him.

I believe strongly that he engaged in an emotional affair with the coworker. She is not interested in him, but has been a shoulder for him to cry on. However, he has become emotionally dependent on her, and I feel just utterly betrayed.  Since this all came out, I’ve not been able to speak MY truth once about it.  It’s like he cannot deal with whatever I will say, so I am effectively suffering in silence.  As you said, I am walking on eggshells. Due to his depression and the severity of it, I am quite literally trying to ‘let go’ of how I FEEL about the whole thing, and push it to one side, so that he can focus on getting himself better. But I am only a human being, an extremely hurt human being, and I am struggling with being able to separate the two.

Should he get better, and decide he wants to make this work with me, I don’t know how I am going to get past it, because if he thinks he can just start trying to woo me back, and start paying attention to me, and thinking this will work, he is sorely mistaken and has no idea what sort of work he is going to have to put into this. He has broken my heart. No amount of love, affection or time is going to make up for this.

Hi Anita,

Thank you. Yes, it doesn’t make sense. Unfortunately, he sees any form of approach to bring up any issues that may concern him or what he’s doing or not doing, as an attack, and he beats himself up massively, causing him to shut down entirely.

They were estranged for years until shortly after I met him and then they reconnected again“- did you encourage him to reconnect with her?

– I didn’t. She had just started to try and reconnect with him when I met him, but the first time he met her again after those years was with me at a restaurant. Their relationship is much better now in the sense that I personally feel she is trying to compensate for the years where she couldn’t show up for him. She is just much nicer, stays out of his business, doesn’t push for communication too much, and is extremely generous with gift giving for Christmas and Birthdays. We probably only see her around 4 times a year though and they still go months without speaking. But the relationship is at a place now where both parties are content with the relationship.

“Just to add as well, he has a wonderful relationship with his Dad“- I wonder how his father dealt with seeing his wife being completely unavailable to his son for years, causing his son issues.

– His father was really upset by it, but my husband knows that it wasn’t his father’s intention and their relationship has always been really good despite this, they just didn’t see each other much because of it. But in a way that did ruin their relationship because they never saw each other, when they do get on so well and they love each other dearly.  Because they never saw each other, the Dad never knew what was going on in my Husband’s life and vice versa. They just completely lost touch basically, and it was very sad for my Husband, and we have later found out that it was very sad for his Dad too as he really missed him. They actually got divorced 4 years ago so the stepmother isn’t in our lives anymore.

 do you mean that all those years (close to 10 years), you did not express any negative feelings to him in regard to his behaviors, and recently was the first time, and as a result, he withdrew from you?

– I mean, of course i have approached him in the past with issues that needed addressing, but they were few and far between really. And yes he did still withdraw when this happened, and because I hadn’t learnt how to regulate my own emotions, i would get frustrated with the stonewalling, and would raise my voice and then it would turn into an argument, whereas now it doesn’t because I don’t lose my temper from it.  But we would always ‘make up’ very shortly afterwards. I feel it’s because he had more space in his mind earlier on to be able to make amends whereas he’s finding it more difficult these days, potentially as a result of the depression, or as a result of him genuinely losing interest in the relationship, that’s the dilemma i am faced with i guess.

He had an overbearing stepmother that ruined the relationship he had with his Dad and treated my husband terribly. He was desperate to get out of there at any given opportunity“- I ask questions because I am trying to understand and hopefully offer you something helpful:

– At what age and for how long was his stepmother in his life?

She came into his life when he was around 14. She moved into the home my husband and his Dad lived in, they went on to have 2 children together. My husband moved out of the home when he was 18. They then divorced when my husband was 25.

– Can you give me an example or two of her overbearing behavior?

She was very controlling, and would lose her temper over the slightest thing.  It was a standard sort of idea that she couldn’t accept my husband because he was the child from a previous marriage. There was a big strain on their relationship and she used to go out of her way to make things difficult.  She would ’cause an argument’ with him out of something that was very minor, and then because his Dad wouldn’t join in, it would then cause problems between their relationship. They eventually divorced because the stepmother felt like the Dad wasn’t on her side with a lot of the issues she had with my Husband.

– Is she still in his life/ still married to his father? And if so, how did the relationship with his father change from being ruined to wonderful?

No, they are divorced. Now that they are divorced, his father and him are back in each others lives and they just enjoy their time together so much. They spend so much more time together now including Christmases, birthdays and family events, even just going out for  drink after work every week. They are like the best of friends.

I really appreciate how interested and attentive you are being to find out the necessary information so you can provide the most appropriate advice, and I am willing to answer anything you want or feel you need to know.

Are you a licensed therapist? Or just super good at understanding people’s minds and emotions and actions? 🙂

Roberta – Thank you for your input, it is truly appreciated.

Anita – Thank you for your input too, it is truly appreciated. In answer to your questions:

One night, “he took our dog out for a walk at 7pm and didn’t come home until 4am, after being drunk driven home by a friend“- what made him not want to go home to you that night..?

– The answer to this is that his depression was getting really terrible, and because the issues were no longer just his depression, but the impact everything was having on me too, including his new friendship with the female coworker, i had started speaking up about how I was feeling low and starting to feel hopeless.  I was very careful not to direct anything onto him and his depression. I was more telling him that I am feeling a certain way, and that I am feeling insecure, and that I need more reassurance for him that he still loves me and that he still wants to be in this relationship. That night, before he took the dog for a walk, I had that conversation with him where I was crying, and I told him it’s not him, these are MY issues, but because I have these issues I just need some more affection from him to help me through this.  He emotionally shut down, said he was going to take the dog for a walk to clear his head, and then didn’t come back.

You’re right about his mother. He had a terrible relationship with his mother, which therapy has led him to realise is the direct root cause of all of his issues. But she wasn’t overbearing with him. She was completely emotionally unavailable, had severe mental health issues of her own, and couldn’t show up for him as a mother. They were estranged for years until shortly after I met him and then they reconnected again and the relationship is so much better now. But it was never like that previously. Just to add as well, he has a wonderful relationship with his Dad.

Everything you have said makes a lot of sense, but I just don’t understand why he would project his mother onto me, because I have never been overbearing. I have always been the one quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what.   It does feel though that now I am starting to be affected by everything, and I have chosen to communicate this with him, it has caused him to withdraw. But then I can’t win because I can either openly communicate and have him withdraw, or I can keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence.  I deserve the same level of support that he received from me all these years. I’m not perfect and I need a companion too.

Thanks again for your response Anita. It really is so appreciated.