External – did what I was asked for.

Internal – liked my mam, more idealized my dad – he wasn’t home a lot but based my idea of him on what mam said – not positive.

My dad wasnt focused on emotions. Rough up bringing. His sons (us) were never good enough.

Mam did absolutely everything possible for us, but turned out as an adult to manipulate through guilt tripping a lot.

Do you think I may be recreating home by making woman to be in distress? (The woman we talk about accuses me of being cold, not caring of her emotions, she did everything etc. – but thats at point of cutting the losses off).

Or am I used to woman who is in distress and easily accepting it without 2nd thought. I feel I want to help / rescue. I want her to be happy. The last relationship… I underestimated the size of work that needs to be done. Just thought if I care/love/be present all will be good. Turned it but me instead.

I spoke with her for a year online before I met her, we spoke openly about partners, life, her pain after husbands death and so on. Within few months from meeting her I KNEW she has plenty of grieving to do and I helped her going through it. We spoke a lot, she cried even more. Throughout the process I clearly communicated how in my view relationship looks like, about mine and hers expectations. We matched fully in regards to it. Thats why I went deeper. She made clear with me that she had light relationships with men as she had no capacity for relationship and did things just to ease the pain. We agreed on commitment – she asked for exclusivity and I agreed.

Entering the relationship showed differences in this field. Basically, what I heard didn’t match with what I experienced with her. Early days I saw her not getting close emotionally with me. After few light remarks over few weeks I cried to her on the couch saying that something here is not right. That her emotional distancing doesn’t match what we did and spoke about before. She was telling me it must be difficulties at work, sick father etc. Turned out disctractions that were interrupting her emotional closeness were quite permanent and various. Like she still wasn’t ready for relationship.

I cared who she is, I saw flaws, I believed and we spoke about it that what she did before she met me wasn’t her desired path. That depression took sensitivity off, that she was just surviving allowing herself quick fixes of happiness. That she didnt feel like she wanted to be alive.

I felt this reaction is outside her spectrum. Saw this as over reacting. I wasnt able to calm her down. Never saw anything like this before… but… I felt as well that this reaction shows emotional intensity and her intent must be somehow real. Something that I take into consideration although general view on her hobesty.

We both were crying over that week. I wanted to do a proper closure. This relationship was important to me. I wanted to allow my emotions to come to surface and wanted time to think my decision through. We ve spent a whole week o conversing and crying over it all. I remember one of her sentenes “I am so stupid, I always f… something up”.

I am a person who judges state of myself in stillness… without interruptions like work. This is when I can feel myself real.

Why am I love sick? Why haven’t I simply rejected from my life what doesn’t vibrate with me. Why do I do it all?? I don’t understand why I still hang on hope that some magic will turn this all so my life with her becomes painless? Why have I been there for so long? Why do I have so much trust in those who don’t appreciate it?

So many questions so little answers.

…she never admitted she sent naked picture to Peter, she said about him before she knew it will be a conversation about images….

Excuse me please faulty spellings. I am using my phone to respond.

Yes, I read it at that time Anita. It actually helped me to understand a bit more what may be happening on the other side.

This could be the case that there is a desire to meet own needs regardless of surrounding tighs. I sense there may be emotional maturity issue since she had let me in between her family and kids, but couldn’t meet some commitments – treat relationship as priority. It just came to my mind… I often asked her to introduce me to her circle but she never did, I always had to do it myself.

I see so many issues now in this relationship, I was able to see chaos around this lady, but neve thought it will affect me too. Words didnt match actions throughout. She tells me how involved she was and all I can see is unresponded phone calls, feeling of being kept at arms distance and lack of empathy from her side.