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Lucidity

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  • in reply to: Parent Life #448747
    Lucidity
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear how things have been Alessa. This must be so frightening for everyone! Ill pray for your son and I’m sending you both love. There is so little I can do in terms of support online but know that you are in my thoughts. Reach out if you need any moral support โค๏ธ

    in reply to: Compassion and respect during times of conflict #448680
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Afternoon Everyone

    Looking over the conversationย here I think there have been some valuable point raised. HOpe its ok if I address them here to the person who made them. It makes it feel like we are talking to people as opposed to strangers, if thats’s ok with you all?

    Silvery Blue – thank you for affirming with me that I will not be upsetting you by taking part here. I have a feeling everyone else on this thread knows one another relatively well, or are familiar more with each othersย stories and I think I am the new comer. It means a lot to hear that as it takes away some of the heaviness from me that I am an interloper. I love your point you made on finding your way with an innerย conflict as you deal with conflict with others. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I get the impression that because you feel you have less trauma and difficulties to deal with, you perhaps feel you are less deserving, or maybe should place less emphasis, on how you confront the other who has more reason, or right, or even awareness, to react from their triggers and wounds? In my view, you have as much right as anyone else to be treated in a respectful and fair manner. When there is conflict tho, I can see why you may feel you can absorb more of the problematic behaviours that is fair. I take this approach in select circumstances; I do it with my loved ones and my children. These are trusted people whose wounds I know, and who have proven to me their commitment to dealing with things in a more healthy way. The other is when I am with colleagues who I have to work with, and acquaintances. With them I will take their treatment a small number of times, even just once depending on the nature of the conflict, and then reassess what my new boundaryย will be with them going forwards. I have family who I consider to be of this second sort who, bec they are ‘family’, I accept in my life to a certain degree. So they are people who do not treat me respectfully yet I see as within some sort of inner circle. In that type of case I treat it with caution. Conflicts there are unresolvable Ive found. Ill give them the space to express themselves but I will not expend energy on repeatedly explaining my points to them, or convincing them of why my needs should be considered. This is a power play as far as I am concerned and I will not enable them further by giving them my power. I really happy to hear you have found another supportive online community. Id love to get involved in it if you are willing to share the name? On that, what do you think it is about that space and this one that makes it feel safe to you?

    Peter – I’d be interested in how you conceptualise forgiveness. I have had a battle with forgiveness for most of my life. I see its merits but it causes harm to the self too, when done out of obligation or because we force ourselves into it thro some body of wisdom or because of society’s expectations of what it is to be a good/moral person. And yes, tension ๐Ÿ™‚ It doesย provide impetus into some really engaging and energising conversations I find because there is often a lot of passion and strong opinions to be aired. Shadow work is my jam! I love it and I am always curious about finding ways to hook myself into it. No matter how much external factors may disrupt my peace, integrating my shadow has always given me a new sense of calm. I’ve found various online resources about shadow work. My youtube algorithm is a master at digging these up for me but I have also found other resources such as the personal development school, which is an online community and platform where you can pay for courses into various types of relational healing with self and other. I have been studying the Vedas lately to see how it deals with the nature of reality and our role in it and I’ve found the concept of dharma to be liberating to me in so many practical ways on a day to day basis.

    Alessa – I like your point about unrealistic expectations and assumptions. I think of my dealing with the toxic members in my family via this filter. It was a hard one to parent myself thro as my inner child was always ready to give them unrealistic freedom into me. But I’m still making sense of this for myself. It would be lovely to know how others have found their way, or are finding their way, thro this. And yes, patience! That a really painful one for me too but tie as shown my repeatedly that nothing can be done with it. Patience and timing. Unsolved conflict always seems to lead to either anger or resentment for me, and in those cases resentment, for me, is just subsided anger where its righteous anger that did not get heard or acknowledged leaving me feeingย unseen. There was only so much of being unseen that I could take if it was by people who were just unwilling to see me. No amount of patience, or approaching it from another angle can overcome that. Some people are simply not going to be willing to see me and my experience with them tells me that it is down to a power play because they have double standards in that they demand respect from me, or stonewall.

    Also, how do you get the emojis to appear? The smile face is a colon and a bracket. What are the codes for the others?
    Have a good day folks.ย 

    in reply to: Parent Life #448613
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hey Tee

    I see you there – “Sometimes what hurts more is when bad behavior is rationalized and when guilt is โ€œevenly distributedโ€. As in โ€œwe all have wounds and false perceptions, and so in a conflict, weโ€™re all equally guilty. Itโ€™s everyoneโ€™s fault and no oneโ€™s fault. Now letโ€™s continue as if nothing happenedโ€.”

    For sure ๐Ÿ™ I know this dynamic well as it is one that I experienced as a result of being raised in an unsafe family:

    1 We raise an issue
    2 We are either
    A) gaslit for bringing it up (we might get “No, that didnt happen” or something similar back)
    B) or are attacked for bringing it up (we might get a passive aggressive “And whos fault was that?” or something similar)
    3) The issue is left unresolved but life continues as if nothing had happened

    with steps 1 – 3 going on into infinity. It’s a toxic cycle. I put up with it for so long growing up that it moulded my personality. Breaking out of it and inspecting myself for who I was underneath all of the defence mechanisms was a massive undertaking.

    Sounds like you are on holiday. Enjoy your time away โค๏ธ

    in reply to: Parent Life #448612
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi Alessa

    My younger son would only stand up to pee too. I ended up placing his potty on a large, wipeable mat for obvious reasons ๐Ÿ˜‰ I also let him pee outside in the garden by a tree we had so that he could pee standing and have some independence over it because, when he used the potty, I would be quick to wipe the mat clean and I guess me reminding him to aim inside the potty would have gotten annoying for him. I also stuck stickers that would reveal cartoon characters when they got wet to the bottom of his potty to encourage him to pee in it but didn’t consider that they would invite inquisitive hands in.

    I’m sorry to learn that you are not doing well right now, that you are experiencing PTSD symptoms, and are stressed. Are you referring to the stress that is currently going on because of the now weeks long discord on these forums? If so, and with no disrespect to the gravity of what is going on here in the forums, but there is only so much we can do before we have to decide what is the best way forward for us in this present moment – not forever, or for this week or month even – just whatever is better for us in that moment. ย You seem like a very caring and kind person. This is obviously your choice, but if you are finding the forum too much for you right now then you should take a break from it. No matter how bad things get here, if it is interfering with your physical health then I think you should put your own wellbeing and self care first. You have a young son who relies on you as his mother and I am sure you will have other responsibilities too โค๏ธ

    in reply to: Compassion and respect during times of conflict #448608
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hey Silvery Blue

    I thought I’d reach out and let you know that I’m up for exploring with you. I’m open to the discussion and taking on vulnerabilities and emotions as they arise in a kind and compassionate way.

    I gather you have been a member here before judging from this particular conversation. However, I do not know you and haven’t come across you before as far as I can recall. Your post got my attention as you mentioned that you want to talk more yet are finding this forum an unsafe place at the moment. I have been browsing this forum for a ย while now and would really enjoy taking part in it more but I’ve found it difficult to. A large part of the reason for this is public and on the forum itself but there are also a few of my own so if you are willing, I’ll share and hopefully we can take this forward if you are open to that? I’d really like that ๐Ÿ™‚

    As a fellow member of the human race, I experience conflict. On a personal level, I am deeply interested in how to handle conflict – conflict resolution and conflict management and so, since you have expressed a desire in something similar, I want to discuss it but at the back of my mind I feel that I may cause upset. Hopefully we can engage in this here openly. How to normalise to make this place feel safe again once a conflict has taken place? I feel like I am trespassing when I write here. As adults who are here to participate in what tiny buddha’s philosophy is, I would like to think that this feeling of walking on egg shells will die down thro the addition of new voices and conversations. And so, here I am taking on my own uncertainty of being on here at all. Opening up to allowing things to flow again is a large part of moving on from conflict I think.

    You can take my point and engage with it in anyway you like, or put forward another. Up to you ๐Ÿ™‚

    This is an open invitation to whoever wishes to participate ๐Ÿ™‚

    in reply to: Parent Life #448475
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hey Alessa

    It sounds like your little boy is enjoying discovering and exploring his skills, like walking, making gestures towards others and discovering that these might lead to them responding, and communicating with you in a way he has come to learn that you understand. These are all great skills. Hearing him learning how to speak and use words must be wonderful. They say such cute things in these early years, mincing words up, making words up completely, and the mannerisms that tend to accompany the words over time – ahhhh, so cute! Hey, Im really sorry to hear that he had racism directed towards him. Racism is wrong full stop but directing it at an infant is on a whole other level!

    Parenting is a journey of anxieties and uncertainty. I was never sure about anything with my first but now I see that I let my worry get in the way of just enjoying him for him while he was so small and experiencing his firsts. They’re only this tiny for such a small amount of time and while you’re in it, it may feel long but looking back, it passes so quickly. Enjoy it ๐Ÿ™‚ I wouldnt give yourself a hard time for things like genetics and inherited traits altho I can empathise with feeling bad for for things that are outside of our control. Im going to go with it being a sign that we are conscientious. Plenty of parents are not like that.ย One way to stop the worry is to just go to the Drs if you feel there is really something not right but my experience was that both my boys behaved very differently to each other at equivalent ages and it was external pressure from family and friends with the own kids comparing milestones, routines, sleeping habits, feeding habits and quantities, food choices – and the list went on. There is no clear right and wrong answer for most things and I believe that what matters more is the quality of your and his relationship and the reliable and consistent ways in which you would respond to him.

    Are you looking for potty training tips? I found potty training my first boy was easier than my second I think primarily because of the climate we were in at the time they were potty trained. My first boy I left without a nappy for huge parts on the day so when he started peeing I’d quickly lift him onto the potty and sit with him while he used it. And Id leave the potty wherever he was. With my second boy we were in Scotland which is seriously cold (in comparison) so he was raised with a nappy on. It was much harder.

    in reply to: Parent Life #448470
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi there Tee and Alessa

    I have always found it difficult to reconcille my personal sense of justice with both the immediate and gradually evolving aftermath of a moral dilema. People are motivated by different things, some of them known, some unknown, some may even be kept hidden. As someone who has core wounds around this particular thing, I find it particularly disturbing but, in any case, it is a difficult situation for anyone to have to navigate. I find it so much easier to address these things with my children in that hurts can be named for the impact they had, the perpetrators be named, accountability be requested or offered, apologies made, perspectives understood, and then things can return to normal with a possible cool down period for those who need it to emotionally regulate. In these situations everyone is supported and seen for what they contributed to the situation and it is in this shared narrative where validation happens for my children, for me, for my husband. It’s not as easy as this blue print as we grow older altho I do believe that it is still the ideal way to deal with things. I practise this with my husband and the only difference is that in that adult context timing plays a larger part and the conversation is delayed for a time that is convenient. The resolution and validation is delayed but it is still had. When other courses of action are taken I find that unexpressed emotions that could not be aired, such as saddness or righteous anger, has a chance to morph into resentment, apathy, or distrust, and there is nothing wrong in that. It’s a natural outcome and one that often serves to protect us from similar situations in the future. I understand that no one owes us these resolutions. Life can be far from ideal and wounds accumulate. We can’t help that because that is part and parcel of living. It is, I believe, where ancient knowledge bases such as religion and philosophy can help us soften and adapt. Its how we evolve as people and discern what is good for us and where our boundries lie but, depending on the severity of the wound infliced and the histories of those involved, as well as the history and vulnerabilities that may have been shared and known about, for me it raises questions of personal and shared values. Sometimes the outcome is a bitter pill to swallow, is sad, and essentially left unresolved. I’m sorry that this appears to be what is eventuating. It sucks ๐Ÿ™ I wanted to say this because I have been at the brunt of this many times. It hurts and seeing the hurt minimised or sidelined be it thro rationalisation or spiritual by-passing or whatever still hurts. Malice need not be implicated. Its just abot respect.

    in reply to: Parent Life #448338
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi Alessa, Tee

    Sorry to interrupt you here but I did not know how else to reach out to you. Over the past couple of months I have been reading the posts on these forums and gaining a lot of insights and validation from them. At this point in my healing journey I feel it has lifted me up a lot in those really low and anxious ridden moments. Over this time I have gleaned that the community here is quite tight, I’d say, compared to other forums, and I’ve found the discussions you share to be tremendously validating. Validating is the word – I am thirsty for it and here I found it in bag fulls. I have had similar experiences to what you speak on with narcissistic parents and have had to learn how to reparent myself. Then there is facing doubts with my parenting abilities and finding your voices here that echo similar things. This has been a lonely journey and one, altho I have transformed for the better thro it, feels so unfair in that I had to do it in the first place. Coming across this solidarity is like walking into a goldmine. That’s what I feel is here. It’s a treasure trove of heart-felt love and support and it’s given by absolute strangers with no strings attached. It has been my solace.

    Recently I have seen how things have been upended and the discord and invalidation at play is so sad to see – thro what appears like no fault of your own. I feel sad that this community is losing your voice and energy. I wish I had gotten to know you. You will be missed. I didn’t want to add to further discord in the other thread but I wanted to let you know that you have shed light upon me too. I would love to stay in contact and learn from and share. My email is chewiron@gmail.com. Apologies for being so forward and coming out of the blue like this. I wish you all the very best in finding your path forward and your peace.

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447551
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Oh I almost forgot, in response to how things are going with my sister – sadly, they are not. How are things going with your sister? I reached out to her to wish her a happy birthday. Before that I reached out to her to reassure her that I wanted her in my life not because I was money motivated (which she belives is the case because I happened to speak of financial issues in the aftermath of finding out that my deceased mother had left all her assets to her and her children and not a single thing to me or my children). I actually got sick of putting up with her very obvious attempts to cover up why she wasnt replying. I told her to stop ghosting me and she actually IMMEDIATELY responded with verification that she was indeed ghosting me and it was because the only reason I was apparently interested in her was because of money.

    Ignoring the fact that I had said nothing new to her about my financial situation, and also that fact that raising the topic was timely given my mothers will coming up, I can pretty much say with certainty that this story is something my mother would have planted in her mind. Apparently my sister knew for months that I was excluded from the will and, knowing how my mother works, she would have said something along the lines that “Watch your sister come out of the woodwork now and feign an interest in you now that I am passing and have left everything to you because you care about me and she does not”. Of course, my sister has ignored all those times, over at least 2 decades, of me trying to reach out to her and her losing her marbles over that and screaming back at me and accusing me of abandoning her.

    It was a hard door for me to shut tbh with you. Bearing in mind I have shut it but not locked it and thrown away the key. Just shut it with the knowledge that I have done as much as I am willing to at this point, and as much as I am capable given her response to me. Surprisingly, now that a couple of months have passed since my having mentally acted on my decision to intentionally step back, the experience has actually reassured me that I have made the right decision and done so in ways I was not anticipating. I much more clearly see how my mum, my dad, and my sister have all been unable to confront the truth of our family. My dad still demands authority, my mum died doing what she has always done to me – which is to set me up to hurt me and then get to watch me metaphorically bleed out. Ok maybe this time she didnt get to watch me but in my mind, I think she did, except that this time she really regretted it. Maybe that end part is romanticised in my mind but I do believe she regretted it given her reaction to my voice in the last few moments of her life. I know its not considered socially appropriate to wish someone badly as they pass but its just as inappropriate for victims of abuse to have to make public displays of affection of someone just because they are have died.

    To give my sister more of myself may be fitting in other contexts, but in mine, where I overgive despite being mistreated, I can no longer put myself in the position where I am crossing my own boundaries and abandoning myself and my dignity for the sake of someone who will continue to mistreat me. Its a trauma bond and I have to choose to not go around that merry go round for someone who IS being unreasonable to me (to put it mildly – the word toxic is more accurate) and who now KNOWS it because I have told her in as kind a way as I can and explained why I see it as unreasonable. She is her own person and makes her own choices. I can feel sorry for her, acknowledge and feel sad for my loss, and I have told her I am here for her regardless but Im not going into re-explaining myself to her. Over-explaining and thinking that I can be that person who finally gets thro to her and so relieve her of having to join the dots herself, from thinking for herself, from reflecting on it herself, is me overreaching. It is clear she has no inclination towards holding any positive regard for me in the first place. Bth, Ive just released another video. Would be keen to hear you thoughts on it if you have any :o)

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447549
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Greetings!

    I hope I’m not intruding here. I was trying to hunt down the post you mentioned in your reply to me where you felt your childhood self was supported and, in doing that, I came across this. I think this is your own theread, is that right? The question you opened with caught my eye so I clicked and now here I am :o)

    What is a life worth living like? I’ve had versions of that question echoing in my mind for decades, and ultimately, what you say it is is where I landed too. There is one addition that may be particular to me but in response to this question when I was my teenage self, I would have said that – a life worth living is one where I know that I am cared for and am noticed for me.

    This specific memory comes up for me in response to a time where I was maybe 14 or 15 and we had guests at my house. I was in the kitchen and my mum was preparing dinner with all the other mums who were there helping. My friend was asked to hand my mum a dish out of the dishwasher that had just finnished its cycle and, as her hand made contact with the dish, she must have felt the heat against her skin and she recoiled her hand exclaiming “Ouch”. I was watching her and I found the whole situation interesting (I know… It is not at all interesting in reality. It was only interesting to me because it triggered that question in my head – what must it feel like to live a life worth living. I think to most teens this is the most boring of moments and it probably wouldnt register as anything at all. So, breaking it down, I thought several things:
    I knew that dishes were not that hot so as to actually burn you but I could appreciate that the shock in touching something so hot may make someone startle hence her physical reaction.
    I then thought how lovely it must be to think that your experience is worth verbalising – in reference to her saying “Ouch” – personally, I didnt make involuntary exclamaitions. I guess it had been ironed out of me. I knew that no one cared. In fact, I knew that to exclaim at all would be to reveal a vulnrability that would be used against me and at once be jumped upon and made fun of either in the now, or used against me later, or ignored entirely – which in its own way was worse because I was opening myself up to the possibility that I was not worth noticing.
    So how nice it must be to think that your reactions and utterances mattered to the point that you made them probably at some involuntary level which you still had access to because you had not trained yourself out of it.

    As Ive grown and healed I now see that first and foremost I should focus on being my own reason for why my life is worth living. I dont need the external validation to be worthy of it. However, there is still a part of me that does want some external feedback, acknowledgement, and validation. I think that is human nature and our brains are wired for a certain level of support – particularly in childhood – but I believe that this stays true to a certain extent thro out life. When we do find that others are willing to offer that to us, as far as I am concearned, those are the relationships that I want to nurture. They are the people I would call friends. Friends like that add a dimension to life that no amount of healing can bring. I can imagine this is on a spectrum and some need it less than others, but for those who do not need it at all, coming at this from my background in attachment styles, not being able to share vulnerabilities with others, let alone such trivial noes as the dishwasher incident, I would suspect is someone who has more of a dysfunctional attachment style. Looking at the question thro the lense of attachment styles is quite fascinating now that Im thinking about it!

    Anyway, what a fascinating thread you have here! Im going to look into more of it.

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #447383
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your feedback. I completely understand if you would rather not engage on there. You viewing the videos is more than enough for me if that is where you are happiest. Really, I did it to share with others so feedback from anyone on it is gratuitous :o)

    That’s to say, I really appreciate you supplying it here. Thanks for your honesty on the sound quality issue. I’ve taken into consideration your frustration with the audio of the video you spoke about – with my dogs- and I’ve added subtitles but it seems you would have to turn closed captions on to see them so it doesn’t fully solve the problem. At this stage in my. journey I’m not sure what else I can do. I am sure there must be a way to force the caption to stay on from my end but I don’t know it.

    Thanks once again for all your kind words. They are touching. I am going to be releasing a new video in the next few days so if you do happen to see it, I hope you find it useful of interesting in some way. Still trying to find my voice.

    How are you doing anyway?

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #447288
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You crossed my mind so I thought I’d reach out. How are you? I didn’t know of another way to get in touch as it appears that the only way to do so is in response to a thread and do it publiclly. I wanted to share with you that I have started a youtube channel and am trying to go into my reflections about life and healing there. I’ve only recently started it but am planning to go into shadow work amongst some other things at some point. You might find it interesting ๐Ÿ˜„ I certainly found your insights incredibly helpful. It’s called mercurialanarchy.

    Maybe catch you there, Lucidity

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #445485
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m glad that I have been a source of encouragement for you with your shadow work. It’s a hard thing to engage with and it’s wonderful to hear that it has been creating avenues inwards for you. I found the same – that I had an idea of, or abstract concept about, things that I had thought I had a handle on from my past that were, in retrospect, really only just an arrow towards a tip of an iceberg. Having just the conceptual understanding of it left the iceberg completely unexplored and, essentially, ignored, left to float in the sea which my ship would have to navigate as if in a maze. Get rid of all the icebergs and suddenly traveling in the sea is much easier, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unexpectedly stormy due to incoming winds, but the shadow work took away a lot of icebergs, which were unintegrated parts of myself, the sea is life and the ship is me. It’s not all clear sailing and sometimes the icebergs linger, but with commitment it gets easier with time to deconstruct them.

    Wanting your mother to understand you is completely understandable and it’s a hard truth to accept that it’s likely she probably never will sadly. The longing did soften and change into acceptance for me over time. Now that she is dead the longing can never resurface. On the other hand, the longing to tell my sister my truth does still come up from time to time although it’s become different too – less desperation and more acceptance involved. I think because she is still alive is why the longing keeps on making a sort of come back. I am still free to entertain possibilities and perhaps if I acted on them something could happen. My mother died not knowing me for who I am. It meant a lot to me that despite this, I put in the effort to talk to her when she died, to show her my support and be there for her. The fact that she may have died not realising what I was offering her in that moment is really for her to have dealt with as she died. It’s not my battle. I gave what I could and karma took care of the rest. When someone is toxic and the majority of our time with them is toxic, I don’t think it can end as a tidy story with the ends all tied up and all the questions answered. It’s messy. But there’s peace there from not having to re read and write the story.

    Lucidity

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #445275
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I am delighted that you are trying out shadow work. As far as healing is concerned and the outcome on my quality of life and peace of mind, my reformed self-concept and ability to be fully present and mindful, it has been a game changer. Ive tried many different strategies and modalities, most of which focus on concepts such as mindfulness, but mindfulness and being present are in themselves complex and hard to achieve without the rudimentary clarity of mind that, for me, has only come with integration of self via shadow work. If anyone was to ask me, Shadow work should be taught at school and be at least on the yearly new years resolution list of everyone ha ha! It can have such dramatic results that endure. After coming across shadow work, I realized that there’s only so much that trying to comprehend my situation could ever bring and I feel that, while it was necessary, it has been shadow work that has achieved the vast majority of transformation in my life. I cant talk enough about it. If you would like any help or input with it then please let me know :o)

    Setting boundries with people is crucial in controlling your own mental well being. I hadnt realised that you had a personal thread here. How are you finding writing about your healing journey on here?

    Definitely, peoples comments can be hurtful – especially if they make them when we are feeling exposed and vulnerable. It can be detrimental. Its human nature tho. It will happen. Ive seen dismissive remarks on all platforms and healing forums have been no exception. I have to say that nowadays I find them unlikely to trigger me. Maybe it is all my shadow work that gave me that freedom to think in this way lol! There can be so many reasons for why people do that – like the phrase ‘hurt people hurt people’, or the remark was left by someone who had not taken the time to get their point across in the way they intended, or maybe they even wanted to make you feel bad, or they read the question incorrectly. Whatever it may be, its easy for me nowadays to move past it as they do not know me and so why should I give them the permission to affect me in that way. If its about a cause that I feel strongly about I may challenge them because perhaps they will go on to hurt someone else but theres only so much I can do about that and only so much effort that I am willing to expend on it. Id rather interact with people we can enrich me.

    Lucidity

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #445211
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hey Anita, I’m doing ok – in fact pretty good actually, thank you. This is in large part down to discussion with you over the past few weeks. It has really sped up the process of acceptance for me and it feels like I am in that place now, finally. I feel like Ive been in a semi-acceptance of this state before but this time it feels different. I feel at peace with it and much more ‘me’ as opposed to ‘me plus something’. It reminds me of how I felt when I had accepted that I was never cared for by a mother, and that my mum was never a mother to me. That took several years to accept and be at peace with. The heart ache involved in that was monumental. I feel like somehow the grief cycle happened faster this time.

    How are you?ย 

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