Hi Alessa

My younger son would only stand up to pee too. I ended up placing his potty on a large, wipeable mat for obvious reasons 😉 I also let him pee outside in the garden by a tree we had so that he could pee standing and have some independence over it because, when he used the potty, I would be quick to wipe the mat clean and I guess me reminding him to aim inside the potty would have gotten annoying for him. I also stuck stickers that would reveal cartoon characters when they got wet to the bottom of his potty to encourage him to pee in it but didn’t consider that they would invite inquisitive hands in.

I’m sorry to learn that you are not doing well right now, that you are experiencing PTSD symptoms, and are stressed. Are you referring to the stress that is currently going on because of the now weeks long discord on these forums? If so, and with no disrespect to the gravity of what is going on here in the forums, but there is only so much we can do before we have to decide what is the best way forward for us in this present moment – not forever, or for this week or month even – just whatever is better for us in that moment.  You seem like a very caring and kind person. This is obviously your choice, but if you are finding the forum too much for you right now then you should take a break from it. No matter how bad things get here, if it is interfering with your physical health then I think you should put your own wellbeing and self care first. You have a young son who relies on you as his mother and I am sure you will have other responsibilities too ❤️

Hey Alessa

It sounds like your little boy is enjoying discovering and exploring his skills, like walking, making gestures towards others and discovering that these might lead to them responding, and communicating with you in a way he has come to learn that you understand. These are all great skills. Hearing him learning how to speak and use words must be wonderful. They say such cute things in these early years, mincing words up, making words up completely, and the mannerisms that tend to accompany the words over time – ahhhh, so cute! Hey, Im really sorry to hear that he had racism directed towards him. Racism is wrong full stop but directing it at an infant is on a whole other level!

Parenting is a journey of anxieties and uncertainty. I was never sure about anything with my first but now I see that I let my worry get in the way of just enjoying him for him while he was so small and experiencing his firsts. They’re only this tiny for such a small amount of time and while you’re in it, it may feel long but looking back, it passes so quickly. Enjoy it 🙂 I wouldnt give yourself a hard time for things like genetics and inherited traits altho I can empathise with feeling bad for for things that are outside of our control. Im going to go with it being a sign that we are conscientious. Plenty of parents are not like that. One way to stop the worry is to just go to the Drs if you feel there is really something not right but my experience was that both my boys behaved very differently to each other at equivalent ages and it was external pressure from family and friends with the own kids comparing milestones, routines, sleeping habits, feeding habits and quantities, food choices – and the list went on. There is no clear right and wrong answer for most things and I believe that what matters more is the quality of your and his relationship and the reliable and consistent ways in which you would respond to him.

Are you looking for potty training tips? I found potty training my first boy was easier than my second I think primarily because of the climate we were in at the time they were potty trained. My first boy I left without a nappy for huge parts on the day so when he started peeing I’d quickly lift him onto the potty and sit with him while he used it. And Id leave the potty wherever he was. With my second boy we were in Scotland which is seriously cold (in comparison) so he was raised with a nappy on. It was much harder.

Hi Alessa, Tee

Sorry to interrupt you here but I did not know how else to reach out to you. Over the past couple of months I have been reading the posts on these forums and gaining a lot of insights and validation from them. At this point in my healing journey I feel it has lifted me up a lot in those really low and anxious ridden moments. Over this time I have gleaned that the community here is quite tight, I’d say, compared to other forums, and I’ve found the discussions you share to be tremendously validating. Validating is the word – I am thirsty for it and here I found it in bag fulls. I have had similar experiences to what you speak on with narcissistic parents and have had to learn how to reparent myself. Then there is facing doubts with my parenting abilities and finding your voices here that echo similar things. This has been a lonely journey and one, altho I have transformed for the better thro it, feels so unfair in that I had to do it in the first place. Coming across this solidarity is like walking into a goldmine. That’s what I feel is here. It’s a treasure trove of heart-felt love and support and it’s given by absolute strangers with no strings attached. It has been my solace.

Recently I have seen how things have been upended and the discord and invalidation at play is so sad to see – thro what appears like no fault of your own. I feel sad that this community is losing your voice and energy. I wish I had gotten to know you. You will be missed. I didn’t want to add to further discord in the other thread but I wanted to let you know that you have shed light upon me too. I would love to stay in contact and learn from and share. My email is chewiron@gmail.com. Apologies for being so forward and coming out of the blue like this. I wish you all the very best in finding your path forward and your peace.

Greetings!

I hope I’m not intruding here. I was trying to hunt down the post you mentioned in your reply to me where you felt your childhood self was supported and, in doing that, I came across this. I think this is your own theread, is that right? The question you opened with caught my eye so I clicked and now here I am :o)

What is a life worth living like? I’ve had versions of that question echoing in my mind for decades, and ultimately, what you say it is is where I landed too. There is one addition that may be particular to me but in response to this question when I was my teenage self, I would have said that – a life worth living is one where I know that I am cared for and am noticed for me.

This specific memory comes up for me in response to a time where I was maybe 14 or 15 and we had guests at my house. I was in the kitchen and my mum was preparing dinner with all the other mums who were there helping. My friend was asked to hand my mum a dish out of the dishwasher that had just finnished its cycle and, as her hand made contact with the dish, she must have felt the heat against her skin and she recoiled her hand exclaiming “Ouch”. I was watching her and I found the whole situation interesting (I know… It is not at all interesting in reality. It was only interesting to me because it triggered that question in my head – what must it feel like to live a life worth living. I think to most teens this is the most boring of moments and it probably wouldnt register as anything at all. So, breaking it down, I thought several things:
I knew that dishes were not that hot so as to actually burn you but I could appreciate that the shock in touching something so hot may make someone startle hence her physical reaction.
I then thought how lovely it must be to think that your experience is worth verbalising – in reference to her saying “Ouch” – personally, I didnt make involuntary exclamaitions. I guess it had been ironed out of me. I knew that no one cared. In fact, I knew that to exclaim at all would be to reveal a vulnrability that would be used against me and at once be jumped upon and made fun of either in the now, or used against me later, or ignored entirely – which in its own way was worse because I was opening myself up to the possibility that I was not worth noticing.
So how nice it must be to think that your reactions and utterances mattered to the point that you made them probably at some involuntary level which you still had access to because you had not trained yourself out of it.

As Ive grown and healed I now see that first and foremost I should focus on being my own reason for why my life is worth living. I dont need the external validation to be worthy of it. However, there is still a part of me that does want some external feedback, acknowledgement, and validation. I think that is human nature and our brains are wired for a certain level of support – particularly in childhood – but I believe that this stays true to a certain extent thro out life. When we do find that others are willing to offer that to us, as far as I am concearned, those are the relationships that I want to nurture. They are the people I would call friends. Friends like that add a dimension to life that no amount of healing can bring. I can imagine this is on a spectrum and some need it less than others, but for those who do not need it at all, coming at this from my background in attachment styles, not being able to share vulnerabilities with others, let alone such trivial noes as the dishwasher incident, I would suspect is someone who has more of a dysfunctional attachment style. Looking at the question thro the lense of attachment styles is quite fascinating now that Im thinking about it!

Anyway, what a fascinating thread you have here! Im going to look into more of it.

Hi Anita,

You crossed my mind so I thought I’d reach out. How are you? I didn’t know of another way to get in touch as it appears that the only way to do so is in response to a thread and do it publiclly. I wanted to share with you that I have started a youtube channel and am trying to go into my reflections about life and healing there. I’ve only recently started it but am planning to go into shadow work amongst some other things at some point. You might find it interesting 😄 I certainly found your insights incredibly helpful. It’s called mercurialanarchy.

Maybe catch you there, Lucidity

Dear Anita

I am delighted that you are trying out shadow work. As far as healing is concerned and the outcome on my quality of life and peace of mind, my reformed self-concept and ability to be fully present and mindful, it has been a game changer. Ive tried many different strategies and modalities, most of which focus on concepts such as mindfulness, but mindfulness and being present are in themselves complex and hard to achieve without the rudimentary clarity of mind that, for me, has only come with integration of self via shadow work. If anyone was to ask me, Shadow work should be taught at school and be at least on the yearly new years resolution list of everyone ha ha! It can have such dramatic results that endure. After coming across shadow work, I realized that there’s only so much that trying to comprehend my situation could ever bring and I feel that, while it was necessary, it has been shadow work that has achieved the vast majority of transformation in my life. I cant talk enough about it. If you would like any help or input with it then please let me know :o)

Setting boundries with people is crucial in controlling your own mental well being. I hadnt realised that you had a personal thread here. How are you finding writing about your healing journey on here?

Definitely, peoples comments can be hurtful – especially if they make them when we are feeling exposed and vulnerable. It can be detrimental. Its human nature tho. It will happen. Ive seen dismissive remarks on all platforms and healing forums have been no exception. I have to say that nowadays I find them unlikely to trigger me. Maybe it is all my shadow work that gave me that freedom to think in this way lol! There can be so many reasons for why people do that – like the phrase ‘hurt people hurt people’, or the remark was left by someone who had not taken the time to get their point across in the way they intended, or maybe they even wanted to make you feel bad, or they read the question incorrectly. Whatever it may be, its easy for me nowadays to move past it as they do not know me and so why should I give them the permission to affect me in that way. If its about a cause that I feel strongly about I may challenge them because perhaps they will go on to hurt someone else but theres only so much I can do about that and only so much effort that I am willing to expend on it. Id rather interact with people we can enrich me.

Lucidity

Dear Anita,

Your summation of my situation has given me a very real sense of relief. I feel like in one instant, I have lost half my body weight and can now move much more effortlessly. I am not sure I can convey exactly how much your reply has meant to me. You have cleared away the fog that I felt I was wandering around in over the past two months by making the words that I was trying to grasp at while I was in my home country for my mums final rights transpire right in front of me. Now that I stand in front of them and see them I no longer feel as strong a longing as I had been before. Honestly, it has bought me to tears and has given me release. Thank you so much. No one other than my Spotify algorithm has been able to read me so well and offer me something I neve knew I had to hear so much :o) I jest but I don’t lol.

“* She subconsciously associates household dysfunction with your presence, even though the true cause was your parents.  *She never questioned the family narrative that painted you as the problem. * Instead of confronting the complex reality of her childhood, she finds it easier to detach emotionally—from the past and from you.”

It had not really occurred to me that she may see me as the core problem in our household. She has told me in fitful rages that I was too hard on mum and that I clashed unnecessarily with dad. These things, I had assumed, were the barriers between us and once we put in some effort to genuinely get to know one another, these barriers could be dissolved as she came to know me and about my situation. From an outsiders perspective it sounds strange that even now she would think that I was the problem but I know well how trauma can colour the way in which we think and lead us to carry beliefs that are not rationale. Even so, how hard can it really be for her to carry two somewhat contradictory facts in her mind and be ok with them both – that of course she can have strong negative feelings towards me, and that we were both blameless children and victims in the household? What does it take to realise that second point? One could be impersonal about it. She doesnt have to care at all that I suffered by the same people that molly coddled her. I ask a lot of questions by the way but they are generally rhetorical – its just the way I think. Please dont think Im pressing you for more answers.

“You noted an incident where she deferred entirely to your father’s preferences, refusing to even state her own. That moment isn’t just awkward—it’s revealing. It reflects deep-rooted obedience, a fear of stepping outside the golden child role, and an ingrained habit of pleasing the dominant family figure. Even now, at 40, she defaults to alignment with authority rather than expressing independence.”

I wonder if at that event around the table she felt the awkwardness she was creating, and felt a sense of shame or guilt or something negative Id imagine, for being unable to voice her independence? Would I rather feel the negativity of creating awkwardness for everyone sitting around me over the negativity of not aligning with an authority figure of the past who can no longer realistically exercise authority over me, and this too over an innocuous point? I do wonder what went thro her mind.

“Your sister is the last possible link to redemption—the only person left who could finally acknowledge your suffering and free you from the scapegoat role. But instead of doing so, she remains emotionally distant, passive, and avoidant, reinforcing the same painful dynamic you were trapped in growing up. Letting go feels unbearable, because it means accepting that the last hope for recognition may never come. But waiting for her validation—hoping she will finally acknowledge your pain and challenge the family conditioning—is keeping you stuck.”

This seems to be at the heart of what I am feeling. For weeks now I have been wondering why I felt such a strong magnetism towards telling someone I knew from my childhood what my truth was while I was in India. I certainly broached the subject with a couple of relatives who knew me as a child but the feeling would not leave me and now I can see why. It is indeed because my sister is the final link to my past who has lived thro it all with me. If only I could convince her then I would get my redemption. I can feel something inside me, sitting alone in the dark, nodding away desperately at the truth in this. This is what some part of me badly wants. I will need to explore this aspect of myself that has come to light to quell her desperation and give her what she needs to be soothed. Im not sure what it could be but as you rightfully point out, a need to be loved. It seems to address so many aspects of our fragmented self. If only splashing love around was the answer. So far, for me, Ive got to seek and discover who it is within that is wanting love and why they are wanting it. But so far it is always love that they want.

Thank you dearly for the clarity you have brought to light for me.

Lucidityetisim towards telling someone I knew from my childhood what my truth was while I was in India. I certainly broached the subject with a couple of relatives who knew me as a child but the feeling would not leave me and now I can see why. It is indeed because my sister is the final link to my past who has lived thro it all with me. If only I could convince her then I would get my redemption. I can feel something inside me, sitting alone in the dark, nodding away desperately at the truth in this. This is what some part of me badly wants. I will need to explore this aspect of myself that has come to light to quell her desperation and give her what she needs to be soothed. Im not sure what it could be but as you rightfully point out, a need to be loved. It seems to address so many aspects of our fragmented self. If only splashing love around was the answer. So far, for me, Ive got to seek and discover who it is within that is wanting love and why they are wanting it. But so far it is always love that they want.

Thank you dearly for the clarity you have brought to light for me.

Lucidityisim towards telling someone I knew from my childhood what my truth was while I was in India. I certainly broached the subject with a couple of relatives who knew me as a child but the feeling would not leave me and now I can see why. It is indeed because my sister is the final link to my past who has lived thro it all with me. If only I could convince her then I would get my redemption. I can feel something inside me, sitting alone in the dark, nodding away desperately at the truth in this. This is what some part of me badly wants. I will need to explore this aspect of myself that has come to light to quell her desperation and give her what she needs to be soothed. Im not sure what it could be but as you rightfully point out, a need to be loved. It seems to address so many aspects of our fragmented self. If only splashing love around was the answer. So far, for me, Ive got to seek and discover who it is within that is wanting love and why they are wanting it. But so far it is always love that they want.

Thank you dearly for the clarity you have brought to light for me.

Lucidity

Thank you for your trust Anita. Im sorry that you felt gaslit into believing that you must have been the problem, that effectively your sister was successful in making you feel crazy. Thats heartbreaking. It must feel even more lonely than just living in family dysfunction to not trust your own judgement because of the pressures from the people around you. Emotional abuse is insidious and oftentimes seems innocuous to those outside of it. Its tremendously isolating and soul sapping. I had to have years of therapy over decades to develop and trust my own inner compass, to learn to recognise it and to put trust in it. It does seem that you have been thro a journey of self-discovery too. Id be curious to hear more about your journey.

“I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.”

Do you know what it is that you fear will happen if you talk to your sister? If you imagine that she does collapse or if she does fall apart, why do you fear this outcome? What do you think will happen?

“I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.”

Right now I feel indifferent to my dad and sister, sometimes vengeful and angry, but I can see also how it is heartbreaking to see them, particularly my little baby sister as she was when I was at home with her as a child, as someone who never gets to know and accept herself and what she went thro. I see her as a lost little kid forever looking outside for validation. You are right. It is a heartbreaking outcome. The empathy is there but then I feel a dark side too. Do you ever feel angry at the injustice of it all? If you have, would you be willing to share how you came to accept and move on from that?

I want to share an incident that occured and Id love to hear your take on it. So my dad, sister and I met up after 5 years to perform my mums last rights. Its the first time I spoke to her after 5 years. There were a few other relatives present who my sister and I didnt really know. Growing up in a narcissistic household, triangulated, we didnt know anyone in our family. On this particular occasion we were at a restaurant and my dad went to get the waiter after sharing with all of us that he wanted some tea. The waiter came to ask us for drinks in a clockwise direction around the table with my dad being the last person he asked. We all said whatever we fancied drinking – teas, coffees, cokes, waters etc. My sister requested tea and when the waiter asked her how she would like it, she responded “However Dad will have his”. The waiter asked her the same question several times and she responded the same way each time. Finally he gets to my dad and Dad tells him he wants tea and how he wants it. I found this situation awkward and weird. Why on earth respond in the way she did by giving up her choice (which I know she has) for Dads? Shes 40, has a young family of her own, her own life in a town away from Dad. What was that all about? I guess she must be conflicted. She cant even make a decision for herself. On our trip she never gave her preference on anything and when asked, she would say she was happy with whatever Dad wanted. I can understand her not wanting to interact with either of us upon her return home but the fact that she appears to be doing it from a place of a lack of self-assurance suggests theres inner turmoil.

Its ironic that my dad is a psychiatrist. He confided in me once that he thinks my mum shows traits of narcissism and histrionic personality disorders and delusions of grandeur. He also said he thinks my sister is co-dependent. Its a shame he cant reflect on himself. When I tell him how he was with me, he denies it all. He loses his temper completely, says he was an upstanding and kind father. So thats my mum, dad, and sister all completely lost. Right now Im happy to let them go. Maybe one day I may want to reconnect but I cant envision what that would consist of. Ive tried everything I can think of. Maybe Ill just wait for them to reach out? The question is whether Id want to be part of it because if its more of the old script then I am not interested. Did you go thro such stages?