Thank you both for your kind words and wisdom.

Weston, I’ve been searching for the reasons why for a long time; I believe I have found the reason or at least part of the reason for hiding under my shell. The main cause of my reclusiveness is probably from the feeling of abandonment by both of my parents. It has such a strong subtle hold on my mind at this point. I would love to let it go but because of it’s subtle and chain like nature I’ve found it very difficult to overcome. It seems difficult, at least for me, to resolve something in the past that is no longer in the present.

I have meditated in the past and it has made me feel various levels of happiness and peacefulness for that moment — maybe not consistently enough though to come to terms with my issue. I deeply want to change but I’ve dug myself into a pit and feels arduous to get out of it. It feels like with every attempt I make to open up or meet someone new I’m pushed back down into my emotional pit attached to a chain and ball.

Kippie: I’m happy you are going out to meetings. I know how difficult this can be. Like you, I do have social anxiety but my job has helped me a lot with that. The funny thing is, I have been to meetup.com, applied to some of their groups and unfortunately I always look at the scheduled ‘meetups’ and always find an excuse not to go.

As far as hobbies go, my only hobby involves computers and that also happens to be what my job involves. I’ve always used computers and video games as a coping mechanism throughout my life. When I was a little one (around 6 and up?) trying to get attention from my mom she would always tell me to go away so I would just fuse my mind with the computer for hours upon hours and it has just developed into a career and a way of life for me.

I LOVE animals but at the moment I don’t have any and won’t be able to get a pet for some time due to living circumstances. your advice is really good here: Keep your heart open, keep faith, volunteer, again, be friends with all ages and races. As closed up as I have been, I should be keeping my heart open to all kind of people.

I simply need to force myself, somehow, to go to these meetups or go outside on a regular basis. The excuses I must overcome are “going out is a waste of time” and “I am a lesser person and people don’t actually want to interact with me”. Perhaps, that and meditating to a point where I can heal my own past will help me open and become a whole person.

Anyone, please feel free to expound on this. I need all the help I can get.