July 5, 2014 at 9:14 pm #60263lucroParticipant
I’m 25 years old and have had hardly any socialization at all throughout my years of life. I’ve never had a girl friend nor have I ever had any friend that I felt I could open up to. I have difficulty with even being close with my own family — it hurts and takes great effort to say ‘I love you’ to my own family. The closest relationship I have is with my career.
Yet, inside, I know I would make a fantastic friend but I feel so lost when it comes to socializing and meeting new people. I feel like my last true social experience with other people was when I was around 9 (around when my dad left completely). After that point, my experiences with other people seem shallow and as if I’m not even there..similar to being a ghost.
I suppose I just haven’t found the right people to open up to.
Being lonely for such a long period of time is hurting me: I can feel it slowly eating away at me. I’m looking for closeness with someone & any advice regarding my issue. I’m currently living in Cincinnati.. if anyone would like to hang out with me.July 6, 2014 at 1:47 am #60275Warrior of LightParticipant
I’m curious about what you’re trying to protect (within yourself) by not opening up to others and isolating? What hurts about saying “I love you” to your family members? What about feeling vulnerable in the presence of others (open and exposed) is frightening?
When you say your experiences with other people feel shallow – “as if I’m not even there” – I suspect you are truly not there i.e. present. How does disengaging/disconnecting from other’s protect you/keeps you safe? And from what?
I implore you to explore yourself by asking these questions and answering as honestly as possible. In my experience, disengaging from others is a means to protect me from feeling vulnerable in their presence. Ultimately my underlying fear is the fear I won’t be accepted for who I am or I don’t deserve love and intimacy from another; thus the fear inhibits my willingness to socialize and connect to others. Obviously this sets me up for conflict – my desire for intimacy and connection vs. fear of vulnerability/judgment/heartbreak – which creates the “slowly eating away at me” feeling.
And since you said you’re last true social experience was around the time your dad left you completely, I’m suspecting this was a wound to your masculine heart, and a notable experience to further explore (whether personally or with professional assistance).
WestonJuly 7, 2014 at 2:49 pm #60362KippieParticipant
You are not alone. Most people, myself included feel lonely, unappreciated, ignored, unloved. Sometimes we bring this negativity into our lives by fear of our own feelings. I am 50 and I have no friends anymore, they all moved away (seriously), I lost my job, my house, my daughter and her family and my mother, all had to move away because I lost my job and home and could no longer support or help them. So I know what it is like to be alone. However you are young, I am not sure what your interest are or if you have social anxiety issues like me but you have to overcome them. Have you tried Meetup.com? Maybe you can try that, those are clubs that people have formed with people of all ages and interests. Do you have an animal? Animals especially dogs can provide that bridge if you have difficulty talking to girls. Most girls love animals and will love to great a happy dog and find out more about his or her owner. what about anime or gaming clubs? I know there are quite a few out there. Today with computers, social media, online gaming, etc. We are isolated and cut off. Unplug your computer and just get out and walk, yes it will feel very odd and weird at first but repress those paranoid feelings when you do. Take a deep breath, look at the trees, children playing, waive at the neighbors, greet anyone with a dog. I to have issues with my family. They all see me as the brat of the family and the black sheep. But know that no matter what they will always love you. You have to go against your comfort level and branch out a little bit at a time. Go to college, just take a cooking class, an art class, join a gym. Who cares if it is all old people like me. LOL ya never know, sometimes old people have daughters granddaughters they would love for you to meet. Keep your heart open, keep faith, volunteer, again, be friends with all ages and races. You never know what will come your way. It isn’t easy to put yourself out there especially if you are like me and have major social anxieties in a large group or meeting but you have to embarrass yourself sometimes and be ok with it. It makes me want to puke just thinking about going to a meeting or joining something, but I do it because I have made a challenge to myself. You can do it.July 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm #60370lucroParticipant
Thank you both for your kind words and wisdom.
Weston, I’ve been searching for the reasons why for a long time; I believe I have found the reason or at least part of the reason for hiding under my shell. The main cause of my reclusiveness is probably from the feeling of abandonment by both of my parents. It has such a strong subtle hold on my mind at this point. I would love to let it go but because of it’s subtle and chain like nature I’ve found it very difficult to overcome. It seems difficult, at least for me, to resolve something in the past that is no longer in the present.
I have meditated in the past and it has made me feel various levels of happiness and peacefulness for that moment — maybe not consistently enough though to come to terms with my issue. I deeply want to change but I’ve dug myself into a pit and feels arduous to get out of it. It feels like with every attempt I make to open up or meet someone new I’m pushed back down into my emotional pit attached to a chain and ball.
Kippie: I’m happy you are going out to meetings. I know how difficult this can be. Like you, I do have social anxiety but my job has helped me a lot with that. The funny thing is, I have been to meetup.com, applied to some of their groups and unfortunately I always look at the scheduled ‘meetups’ and always find an excuse not to go.
As far as hobbies go, my only hobby involves computers and that also happens to be what my job involves. I’ve always used computers and video games as a coping mechanism throughout my life. When I was a little one (around 6 and up?) trying to get attention from my mom she would always tell me to go away so I would just fuse my mind with the computer for hours upon hours and it has just developed into a career and a way of life for me.
I LOVE animals but at the moment I don’t have any and won’t be able to get a pet for some time due to living circumstances. your advice is really good here: Keep your heart open, keep faith, volunteer, again, be friends with all ages and races. As closed up as I have been, I should be keeping my heart open to all kind of people.
I simply need to force myself, somehow, to go to these meetups or go outside on a regular basis. The excuses I must overcome are “going out is a waste of time” and “I am a lesser person and people don’t actually want to interact with me”. Perhaps, that and meditating to a point where I can heal my own past will help me open and become a whole person.
Anyone, please feel free to expound on this. I need all the help I can get.