And right now I think things are messy, I’m having a hard time committing to a no contact rule and every bit of me is fighting to ask how she’s doing and ask her about her day. But I know it’s out of bounds. She’s going to be leaving the country before returning in a few months and we’ve sort of made unofficial plans to reconnect in the future. And this is the hope that is making me cling on to the “relationship”. Every rational advice online says to cut the hope. I think the best move forward is very likely to be working on myself and probably going no contact for a while before I make progress on improving myself.

And I strongly feel, for us to get back together, we need to be 2 very different people and we need to start on a clean slate. And from what I understand, that means no contact is necessary for the above conditions to materialize.

Yea i’m in a continuous battle with my emotions, sometimes i tell myself it’s okay to say some things as long as it’s authentic and genuine, the vulnerability is respectable. But following that logic can be quite dangerous because it enables me to make excuses for contacting her. And I’m only human, I’m gonna slip up some day.

Hey Anita,

Your kind words mean a lot to me. I spent some time rereading everything you wrote so I could internalize it. Thank you for taking the time to write. After some thought, I think during hard times, I crave a lot of affection for reassurance but that is probably the last thing my partner is thinking about. And it can come off a bit obtuse. I recognise that and I’ll be thinking of what you suggested. I’ll look inwards for reassurance and focus on other things that provide me value when I need it.

Thank you!
Q