Hi Anita,

I guess by threatening I am meaning threatening to my self-esteem. I constantly feel this despair and jealously when I think about him and her, because I’m still very much attached. I feel like it’s a rejection, and it reflects on me. I feel angry that he’s doing all these things with another woman when he hurt me and treated me so badly.

Anita,

Yes, I know you are right but it’s very helpful hearing it. There are few times I feel like my pain stems from really missing him – of course I miss the companionship and affection, but usually I am thinking about myself, and how I feel rejection, jealously, fear, or vulnerability from the situation. The obsession and total shut down of rationality rarely thinks about how much I miss him as a person but instead exaggerates insecurities and a lack of control I feel over my own thoughts. I did start therapy a few weeks ago, but I’m not totally sure if it is actually a form of psychotherapy. I kbnow it is based on gestalt and mindfulness practice. The overwhelming sensation that I feel is this need to have his love, to know he still loves me, to feel like I always did with him. After seeing him again I feel like that had changed, that he’s more at peace with not being together than I am. That’s where this cloud of sadness comes from and I don’t know how to escape that.

Billy,

For some reason I am just seeing your post, so I apologize I didn’t respond sooner. I will say I am very grateful for this forum and for (mostly) Anita’s insight. It has really helped in these times of utter despair. I am so sorry to hear about your situation; I’ve never been in a relationship nearly that long and I’ve only lived with someone once before. I do understand the gut-wrenching turmoil break-ups cause, especially when you feel like you’re the one being rejected. I think in our cases, we feel and process the pain much differently than those that might not have the insecurity issues and history of past abuse/dysfunctional relationships with family. I’m just now realizing that, because in every break-up, I initially feel strong and capable of handling it, knowing that it’s for the best, or in several situations that I needed to walk away because I was dealing with an alcoholic, a liar, or someone that I didn’t really see a future with. But after several weeks something seems to get triggered in me, some kind of fear, need, emotional or sexual attachment that drives me back, and I’m willing to give up or look past SO MUCH to have it again. I feel like it’s actually the textbook definition of being insane – doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. I’ve done this in every single serious relationship I’ve been in and there’s never, ever been a clean break. I’m always going back.

In your situation, I can’t imagine splitting with someone after that long. That’s why so many people go through such hell during divorces. I’m no expert on giving relationship advice, but I think one thing that always helps to remember is the reason or reasons why you have arrived at this point of turmoil or break-up. It is true people like to romanticize things and like to cling to the good things, forgetting all the bad or the pain or the hurt someone caused you. Perhaps it would be helpful to make a list or write out all the reasons why you two have not been able to successfully sustain your relationship? I have done this in the past and it does help, at least for the time being when I’m feeling super vulnerable. I also think that you are feeling more torn up about your relationship because of your surrounding circumstances, i.e. no steady work and having to rely on this person for income. No one wants to be in that situation. Have you thought about taking any free online courses to further develop the skills that you have? Or perhaps enrolling in professional development program of some sort for adults? Being stuck career-wise is really brutal. I finished a master’s degree in June and have been interviewing for potential dream jobs seemingly non-stop since then with nothing but rejections and it’s really weighing on me. I am trying to stay motivated and grateful for the full-time job I do currently have, but I can’t seem to stop slipping into negative thoughts that nothing good will work out.

I was coming on here today to write about how vulnerable and desperate to talk to my ex I have been feeling the past few days. Anita has been great at bringing me back to reality usually, but my mind has been spinning out of control with thoughts of my ex and his new girlfriend. I’ve been obsessing over it and this in turn makes me want to see him or talk to him, just to get something from him, although it won’t be what I want. In times like this I just feel like I want to be back together with him, because of how much jealously and misery I feel. But I know it’s the wrong emotions coming to play, not the rational ones that made me walk away in the first place, or the ones that know he hasn’t changed at all and is still drinking regularly. I just so desperately want to know he still loves me the way I love him, but I’m saddened to think he doesn’t. He does care for me very very much, and I guess that’s a form of love, but I still desire him and miss him. I’m not sure he feels that way for me and that’s been the worst part about seeing him again.

The stress was very, very apparent. There were times when she would totally meltdown – literally throwing things, yelling, crying. She got very emotional during the holidays and one time she basically turned everything in the house over, throwing everything on the floor, knocking over furniture, just totally unhinged. These episodes happened throughout my life, even recently as she suffers from bad depression and other issues I don’t really have a clinical definition for. I can rely on her and we have a good relationship now, but I guess there was still always that feeling that I needed to be self-sufficient.

Do you have suggestions for how to change those neuropathways? Perhaps my therapist can speak to this, but I’ve never gotten any kind of solid advice. I read often on meditation and trying to be present and accepting of current situations. But these methods seem to fail in the face of such sorrow.

Thank you again, truly.

Anita,

In different posts I made months ago, I had mentioned that I experienced some molestation from my father when I was pretty young. The relationship was always dysfunction: he was also an alcoholic and drug user, he was a womanizer, and I think always made me feel like my looks mattered most more than anything (which I can see come through in my insecurities and self esteem). My mother was always there and always providing, but was stressed out to the limit and I had to support myself and help her from my early teenage years. The financial burden has and is still stressful, because there’s not much of any safety net. I know these issues have manifested in my romantic relationships when things start to go bad, and I do feel overly needy but usually only when I start to feel that the other is pulling away ( and I think this has been in my head more than happening in reality.) Sex has always been confused with love and attraction, with self worth for me. I reconogze that now. I’m just not sure how to move from just recognizing these things to healing and actually changing my thoughts/behaviors.

Anita,

Thank you for this response. It is true, I have certainly lost my rational side. I feel so much jealousy and pain that I can barely see through it. I can barely acknowledge the facts – the facts being that I did make the right decision to leave him, that he is still drinking, that he hurt me over and over because of his erratic and selfish behavior. But it still feels so unfair that he is able to move on so quickly, to be able to invest in someone else. It feels like I’m the only one suffering, that his pain only stems from hurting me and not missing me or not being able to be with me. I feel a dark cloud over me every morning, and wake up with anxiety in the middle of the night.

I so badly want to feel center again. I want to make a plan for how to deal with it, and stick to it, but every day my emotions change so rapidly. The only major step I’ve taken is blocking him from my phone. But I feel like I have so much to say to him still, mostly because I want some kind of explanation, I want him to say things to make me feel better. I know that isn’t going to happen though, yet I cling to it. I know people handle things differently, but I was the first woman he has loved and I know he loved me deeply. We talked about marriage, we were moving in together. It baffles me how he could be so able to give that to someone else this quick. Thoughts of him moving on make me nauseous. No matter how much I try and control my thoughts, they seem to spiral into sadness and despair.