From personal experience, you sound to me like you’re suffering from depression. You’re burdened by your past relationships with people who were supposed to care for you always and failed to do so. Seeking help for your mental health should be a priority. There are ways to self-help with the numbness that you can find through Google search. I highly recommend reaching out to someone you’re close to or seeking a therapist. You don’t have to torture yourself, and you’re not alone in your feelings. As for your relationship, only you know what it’s like and how you feel about it. If you don’t feel in love and leaving wasn’t as hard as you’d expect, it might just not be the right relationship for you. Just because someone treats you the way you deserve doesn’t mean it is going to work out easily. You’re still so young. It seems as if now is the time to focus on yourself. Relationships may be a great source of support, but you cannot force the connection necessary to mutually benefit both of you. There is something to be said about timing; Your boyfriend could be Mr.Right but not right for now. The journey to healing is sometimes lonely, and it is easy to withdraw yourself completely from everyone. Lean on your friends and don’t  be indicated in taking on self-care.