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Dear Anita,
Before I forget… there’s another thing about that therapy that probably lead to it being a failure.
One thing I’ve always longed for in life is to be deeply known. For someone to get how I feel, what my experience has been. I went into that therapy with that desire, although I didn’t articulate it. I didn’t even think to articulate it. But I somehow assumed it would be part of the process. And come before the therapist tried to get me to think differently or teach me skills or whatever. So I was always telling the therapist more… more anecdotes and stories about my family and how they treated me and I think he was really tired of hearing them and wanted me to move on and get over it already.
Lost Soul
Dear Anita,
Shutting one’s eyes as an instinctive act makes sense. Yes, I agree that while abuse maybe be ‘normal’ it’s never okay.
As for examples of the questions, it’s been too long to remember them or exact wording, but many things like:
- “I wonder why you think ________.”
- “I wonder why you feel _________.”
- “It seems you think _________. I wonder why you think that.”
And I would often have no direct or immediate answer for these questions. I felt literally pelted with his questions, like I was being interrogated. It might have helped if he had drawn me out a bit and said something like:
“It seems to me you think ______. In your daily life, when do you feel this way? What’s happening? Who else is present?” Or,
“What’s the first time you can recall thinking/feeling _______? What was happening? Who was there? Is this something you felt often as a child/teen/with your parents/with your siblings/at school?”
It’s a cliché that therapists always ask the question, “And how did that make you feel?” but he never did. I wish he had. Often, I would tell him about something that happened in my daily life and that I had felt, say, stupid/embarrassed/one-down, and he would scoff when I told him that. In the moment, it felt like a scoff of disgust or annoyance that I would be so weak as to think that–and that’s probably a projection on my part based on how my father and sister treated me. After the session, I came to think it may have been a scoff of disbelief that I felt that way. He sometimes gave off the impression that he saw me as a more together person than I ever felt myself to be.
What this therapy felt like was that he was waiting for me to make some logical connections and come to some big, obvious conclusion but I just wasn’t getting there. Whatever logical connection he saw, I just wasn’t seeing. I needed more help. I needed a flashlight in the darkness, but he was saying, “No, no. There’s enough light to see. Figure it out already.” And that’s where I think the failure of therapy was. I didn’t know enough about how I should be treated, what is not just ‘normal’ or ‘typical’ behavior, but healthy behavior and attitudes. And you can’t know that if you haven’t experienced it. I think a therapist, dealing with a client from a dysfunctional background, needs to educate the client on what is healthy/productive/effective behavior and treat the client that way. You have to experience it first, and on a consistent basis, not just a one-off exposure, to know it and then make logical connections and conclusions, spot red flags and make better choices. I got some of this with the therapist I said would tell me over and over, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” One time, I came and told her about something that had happened in the previous session that had rubbed me the wrong way, and she thanked me for bringing it up with her. Sadly, my therapy with this therapist was short-lived because her husband needed to move across the country for a job change. I would have continued seeing her if that hadn’t happened because I felt like I was making some progress in therapy for the first time.
Lost Soul
Dear Anita,
I agree that as a person raised in a dysfunctional family I might not see red flags unless they top what someone in my family did, however, I wouldn’t say I ‘shut my eyes.’ That implies I took an active step, but I didn’t. In my opinion, the situation a child grows up in is their ‘normal’, especially if the child grows up geographically and socially isolated. They don’t question it. So of course, later on, they won’t detect as alarming something they experienced on a day-to-day basis.
In my opinion, all of this is one of the biggest failures of the therapy I received and therapists I saw. So many therapists use a sort of detached, analytical Socratic method of questioning with their clients in order to draw out the client’s incorrect core beliefs. I experienced this with the first therapist I went to on a regular basis (before this I had a few sessions with counselors at a school counseling center). Somehow, he expected that through this questioning I would immediately come to see the error of my parents’ ways and the subsequent errors in my thinking. But this didn’t happen and both of us were frustrated by the process. Afterward, I could look back and see this [method of questioning and the goal of it] was the governing assumption on his part, but he never explained to me what the point of his process was. Because the things that happened to me in my family—even though I hated them–were my normal, they were my normal. I had no other experience to draw on to compare them with, and that was the problem. What, in my opinion, the therapist should have been doing was treating me—in the behavior, not medical sense—differently; that is in a healthy manner. Then, having the experience of being treated decently, kindly, compassionately, warmly, I would be able to compare and contrast the treatment I received from my family, from bad bosses, etc. and see that it was toxic, dysfunctional, what have you. (You may recall I asked if you felt the quality and strength of the relationship between the you and your therapist was an important factor in your healing. This experience is why I asked.) I’m sure this therapist had good intentions but being pounded with endless Socratic questions didn’t help me feel understood or treated well; it made me feel hounded and badgered, just as in my family.
Lost Soul
Dear Sheshe,
I also have an anxious attachment style and have been in relationships with partners who have avoidant attachment styles. Here’s my thoughts…
Read what you have written above as if it was written to you by a dear friend. What would you tell that dear friend? Would you tell her, “Keep waiting for this guy to turn around and figure out he loves you. Wait forever.”? Or would you tell her, “There’s lots of other men out there. Forget him, and find other people to date.”
I highly recommend you learn more about attachment style theory. There’s a mass market book on the subject called “Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine. It’s a fairly easy and quick read. You can also google ‘adult attachment styles’ and find a lot information as well.
Take what you have learned so far and look at his behavior as a sort of gift from the universe. This is the universe’s way of letting you know this person is not for you.
An attachment style can be difficult, although not impossible, to change. But your boyfriend has to be willing to try to change. You would also have work to do on your side, as well. That is, learn how a person with a secure attachment style thinks and behaves like and strive to think and behave that way. A secure person, wanting a relationship to become closer, to deepen, might gently probe the person they are dating… “You know, I’m really enjoying dating you, and I’d like to see you more often. I’d also like to meet your friends. How do you feel about that?” Then sit back and see what the other person’s response is.
It’d be good if you can find a therapist to work with on these issues. (From personal experience, I know good therapists can be hard to find and expensive, depending on where you live and other factors.) If it’s not possible right now, keep reading and learning more about attachment styles.
I wish you well.
Lost Soul
Dear Anita,
Thank you for replying. Your therapist sounds like a very honorable human being. You were fortunate to find him.
When I went to therapy when I was young, I wasn’t a great judge of people, let alone therapists. Over time, I’ve gotten better, but even now, unless there are glaring red flags, it takes me at least a few sessions to figure out if a therapist will work for me. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially since I’m an introvert and like many introverts, my personality unfolds slowly over time. I guess I unconsciously assume other people are similar, although many people are very much “what you see is what you get” and no more. In hindsight, I can see some early warning signs that hinted at what these therapists would be like, especially the worst one. But I was depressed and sluggish, and just happy with myself that I had even made the call and started going.
Lost Soul
Dear Anita,
Thank you for replying to me. You are undoubtedly a real person behind the typed words; I would never think otherwise. To explain my comment: for the past couple days, I have been stuck inside alone, with my dog but no face-to-face contact with people, both because of the heat here as well my health issue…
If you don’t mind sharing, I am curious about something you said above:
“It is evident that you had therapy in the past, that you read plenty self help books… I did too, before I started what I refer to as my healing process, or the healing path, March 2011. I read plenty, I knew terms, I had a bit of therapy (months, put together). But I was not on the healing path yet.”
May I ask what ‘moved the needle’ for you in terms of healing? What put you on the healing path? Please feel free to speak in general terms–please don’t feel obligated to reveal any personal information. I’m deeply curious what, in general, worked when the things you tried before either didn’t help or didn’t help completely. (Or help enough?) Feel free to respond when you have time; I realize you are very busy helping many people on this forum.
Lost Soul
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