Hello JayJay, and Hello to you Anita

I read your reply yesterday and need to think it through. It is confusing but I can understand it so thank You, Anita. I made my peace with it. I will go on with my life without this person. Also I will remember this valuable advice for the future.

Jay, I am really glad you shared this with me. Only one thing, how would you feel about quitting contact with them instead of listening to their “remarks” sometimes? How about not listening to them ever again? I think that would be a really pleasant shift in your life. I’m just saying, I do not know your situation so please forgive me.

My mother is indeed on this mission to please her. Couple of days ago (or two weeks perhaps) when I told her about my dream (that grandma was dead and I didn’t read the text on my phone), my mom told me that “perhaps we should call her or something.. she is getting old and in case something happens ..” She meant in case “something” happens we will have this guilt forever, and we will have to live with this feeling of guilt that we didn’t call grandma and she died. And we will be to blame for this situation. I now can see how stupid it sounds, I already know what would be the reaction of my aunt and uncle (my mom’s siblings) when they would find out we haven’t spoken to her till her death. I am aware of this situation, it is disturbing. But it’s not my fault so I am not responsible for it right? My mother doesn’t understand it. We once haven’t spoken to her for a year and after a year we met at the cemetery. Grandma almost had tears in her eyes when she saw us. You could ask why, it’s her who didn’t want to speak to us for a year (which happened also not the first time but second, third maybe, not sure. it happened often in the past). So I can imagine when she would see my at the wedding she would have tears in her eyes because she finally sees me. My cousin told me that last time when grandma didn’t speak to her for 2-3 months (I don’t remember specifically) when she finally came to their house for christmas, first she didn’t hang out in the kitchen where my cousin cooked, and then at the dinner, she had tears in her eyes when she finally spoke to my cousin. Is it just me or does it sound extremely manipulative and fake?

Thanks for the reply Anita. Yes you are probably right, as shocking as it sounds.. I have no reason to deny your theory, it’s probably true. You said it’s difficult to imagine that she has no interest, let me tell you, I was 8 or 10 years old and I was sitting and being bored at my grandma’s , listening to her talking about things, and my explanation was (I remember it clearly) : “it’s probably because I’m a child and they’re adults so no one talks to me ” , and then I was 15 , and I was in high school and then college and still I was sitting there being silent, then I started to look at the clock in the kitchen, counting how many hours of sitting left.. it was very.. .. how to put it.. disturbing..it bothered me, I was impatient. How many times can you sit like this. I remember I once took a book with me so I could read, instead of sitting doing nothing. My mom told me after this “you were reading all the time, you didn’t have any input to conversation” and I told her everything, and she said sorry, etc. She had no idea, BUT she did told me she felt the same way that grandma always talks about herself and other people and never asks us about our lives. Anita, do you think it’s okay if I leave it the way it is? There’s a wedding soon , of my cousin (the better granddaughter) I don’t have any contact with her, barely know her, she lives in another country, we spoke maybe 4 times. I’m thinking of not going to this wedding, I don’t have money to buy a present, a dress, and all this. I think it’s not worth it, not only the money but fixing this family situation and going there because I should. I know grandma will be outraged and unhappy when I don’t go. because what would people say etc. But I don’t want to fix it, I want this “situation” to be the way she wanted it to be : not talking.

Anita and Mark you both have no idea how much you made me feel a whole lot better today and in general. I’ve been living in a feeling of guilt, I’m not even sure how to name this feeling it’s really weird and unusual and very upsetting. It’s like you would walk down the street and someone punched you and yelled at you and then said it’s you who have hurt him and you’re to blame forever. That’s how it feel, and now it certainly feels like forever because it’s been a very long time.Thank you both so much, I felt bad because it’s family. When it’s a stranger you can move on and get over. When it’s family, and it’s a grandma and an old person, you know.. you feel guilty because she is offended. It doesn’t feel right. I keep telling my mother she has to accept it because she can’t change it. Stop fighting it, just accept it for what it is. Grandma is not a good person, she didn’t even respond when we tried to make it right, because she doesn’t value us in her life, for some reason. It’s really disturbing and upsetting. Well yeah I won’t do her hair again for sure, but you know what, I did her hair more less once in a month for past few years including buying hair dye and coloring her hair so.. And many other things, I always helped, sometimes bought groceries, ordered food online for her cat and dog. She once complained to someone about me that I didn’t call her for her birthday. It was mean, because I always tried to be nice, and she said this about this birthday, I must have forgotten about her birthday.. But she got offended and complained about me to some people. it was couple of years ago. Maybe she has already given me silent treatment before and I didn’t notice it? Doesn’t matter.

Anita you’re right that I can’t „make” her into something she’s not, or something I need. Or maybe I don’t „need” but it would be nice to have a nice grandma, but I „kind of” don’t have one so there. I can live with that. Very thankful for what you replied, I really am. Also, Mark thanks for congratulations, I am indeed very happy, my cousin and my aunt  are also looking forward to me moving and living in my own place. Thanks for making me feel „sane” because lately I’ve been having really weird thoughts and dreams. Yesterday I had this dream (that’s why I posted here, I felt the need to talk to someone) : in this dream I was at some party, and I got a text message and I „knew” there was something wrong with grandma and that the text was regarding her health. But I didn’t tell anyone. And then someone told me that grandma was dead. And then I thought: yes I already knew it, because I know it was in the text message but I was too lazy to read this text and tell anyone, and just later pretended to be as surprised as anyone else. What was so unusual in this dream? The feeling of guilt, being a bad person for doing this to grandma. I felt I was this sneaky, evil, shady person who committed such a disgusting „crime” of knowing she was dead and pretending I didn’t know. That’s why I decided to post here because it really freaks me out, what’s been happening.