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Mary899

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 43 total)
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  • in reply to: I feel like choking #170703
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your advice. The second day went on much better, especially when a couple of friends told me regardless of what’s been going around, they are going to have my back no matter what.

    I was surprised when the ex-narcissistic friend acted friendly towards me at the end of the first day. I tried to show that although there were no hard feelings, I was no longer interested in being in her circle of friends.

    There remains one problem though. Remember the girl that I said I did not feel comfortable around from day one, but somehow forced myself to stay in a friendship with her? The one who was turned against me by the other friend? It’s just that I feel extremely uncomfortable around her. I remember back in the days I was always the first one to say hi, always the first one to ask her how she was doing. I can no longer bring myself to do that. As a result, we no longer talk, and I find this to be extremely awkward since I have never had the experience of “ignoring”  a previous friend. I know that she doesn’t care that much. She is happy as ever, and seems to be enjoying spending time with her new social circle. It’s somehow amusing to see that people who used to brutally complain and gossip about one another in my presence have now formed their own circle. I don’t believe such a friendship has got much depth to it, and therefore I’m glad that I’m no longer a part of it.

    Still, thinking about that doesn’t help me with the sense of awkwardness. A part of me is glad that I’m finally free from her, that I no longer have to put up with the jokes that she made at my expense, or hear her criticising and making fun of my goals, dreams and interests. Another part of me, however, blames me for caring too much, especially when it is obvious that she doesn’t. I know that, if the situation were reversed, if I was being told that someone has been talking behind my back, the first thing I would do was to question the motive of the person who had brought me this piece of news. Are they trying to make themselves look good by destroying sb else’s reputation? Is it that they get a thrill out of turning people against each other? In either case, the intention behind such an act is highly questionable. The second thing I would do is to evaluate my own behavior. Had I done sth that caused a friend of mine to be upset? If so, I would have reached out to the friend, trying to solve the matter as calmly as possible as I valued their friendship above any sort of resentment or conflict.

    I know I can’t blame her for doing none of this….I can’t force people to “care” about sth as much as I do. However, I find it easy to blame myself for taking her and her friendship too seriously, and as I said, I feel a sense of great discomfort around her. The thing is, I’ve decided not to put other people’s needs and feelings above my own. However, now that I no longer do it, I’m still stressed out. It appears to be lose-lose situation.

    Mary

     

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #167088
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    That is exactly how it feels like…stuck in captivity. Soon I’ll move to the city in which my college is located, however, that will be a temporary solution. I’ve been asking others to help me with the situation by asking her to go to therapy, but it seems as if they’re too busy themselves. Mostly they tell me I could use more patience as she’s my mother after all and has to be respected.

    My mental health…I’ve been used to living in a state of fear and anxiety. As I was craving for love, support and approval I got myself into some toxic friendships, which only resulted in more chaos. Trouble at home, trouble at school, the difficulty of living alone in anther city…it seems as if all the doors are closed at the moment. However, I’ve never liked sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and am looking for ways which help me cope in the best way possible. Mostly I care a lot about my studies and I’m afraid all that is going around has had a negative impact on them. What do you think I can do to stay motivated and focused?

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #167040
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your comprehensive reply.

    As for our college professors the dean of our faculty has proven to be not as “mature” as one would expect on a number of occasions, and it seems as if she actually takes pleasure in listening to nonsensical complaints. Also, she doesn’t try to hide the fact that the charismatic woman I’m talking about is the “apple of her eye”.

    I guess my only option would be to take your advice on preparing short, sensible responses. I also have to work on myself to avoid getting caught up in emotions.

    I very much agree with you on abusive behavior being about hidden fears and insecurities. However, I have witnessed that sometimes being assertive results in the abuser’s projecting their misbehavior on me, using “You didn’t do as you were supposed to therefore now I’ve got the right to punish you and any form of protesting is out of the question.” as a mentality.

    With regards to my mom… when she’s upset, most of the times she forces me to leave the house even if I don’t want to. Sometimes I resist, but she gets more and more abusive until I’ve got no other choice. This is extremely distressing especially when I have exams to study for or am simply trying to rest in my own room. Other people tell me I have to try to keep her calm by submitting to all her requests and wishes…that’s just not possible. Sometimes I lose track of what the best thing is to do.

    Mary

     

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #167012
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear Eliana,

    As always, thank you for your supporting words…I’ll do my best to apply your advice on “silencing” any thoughts and worries with regards to these women. My entire summer holidays was wasted upon worrying and fearing what might happen next…I guess it’s time to let go. I will also remember your advice on starting each day with the thought of all the things I have to be grateful for.

    Have a great time (:

    Mary

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166772
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    You are right…this was indeed a learning experience. Most importantly I’ve learned that I shouldn’t get too close to people who I don’t feel comfortable sharing the truth with.

    There are some worries that remain…as I said to Eliana,  this person seems unbearably relentless in “getting revenge”. She gets hold of other people cellphones sending sarcastic abusive words…mostly I’m afraid she may get me into trouble with the college professors as she’s very charismatic and persuasive. I wouldn’t be surprised if I hear she’s gone to a certain professor telling them how much I’ve hurt her (as well as other things), making the deal much bigger than it really was. What do you think I should do if such a thing happens?

    Thank you for your advice with regards to my mom. I’ll do my best to apply it.

    You said “Unless in the midst of a psychotic episode, a mentally ill person is aware-enough and are able, if motivated, to stop abusive behavior.”  What is the best way to cause this motivation without causing them to get even more infuriated and abusive?

    Mary

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166766
    Mary899
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thank you for all your support and encouraging words!

    It’s great that you, too, are also looking for a new start. I wish you all the success on your path of making friends with people who truly deserve your love and your generosity.

    I can relate to your fear of rejection and need for approval…I’ve realized that these two were the underlying causes of me getting into friendships with not only one, but three toxic women at the same time. I used to think that no matter how much of a bully a person is, they can never bring themselves to be cruel towards sb who’s been kind and empathic towards them. I was wrong. Hopefully I will never make the same mistake.

    It’s amazing how relentless a bully can be. As soon as I block a way for her to contact me, she finds another one. I’m worried about the fact that she may even go as far as trying to get me into trouble with the professors…she’s so charismatic and popular.

    You’re right…it’s time I insisted that my mom got professional help. This can’t go on like this.

    I hope the problem with your thyroid is nothing serious…please take good care of you. You’ll be in my prayers (:

    Looking forward to hearing from you.

    Love,

    Mary

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mary899.
    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166654
    Mary899
    Participant

    As for my mom, I’ve reached out to a therapist, explained her situation and asked him to give her a call. He made several attempts…she never responded.

    I’ll definitely let you know about the progress I’m going to make on the path of making more stable friendships, Eliana. Thank you again!

    Love,

    Mary

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mary899.
    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166644
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear Eliana,

    Omg, I absolutely love your challenge, and I’m more than willing to take it on!☺

    I’ll be back to college (which is located in a different city) in about three weeks or so…until then, I’ll be searching and learning about the places that I can visit and the groups which I can join. Finally I’ve got sth to look forward to, thank you

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166560
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I agree. There’s no need to apologize for asserting your own ideas and opinions in a civilized manner…and those who manage to get offfened and “hurt”, well, I guess it’s their problem, not mine.

     

    However, there are scenarios in which the thing I have done has been offensive based on my own evaluation. On a particular occasion, I remember telling someone a lie about sth personal. At the time I did it because I knew telling her the truth would mean she’d immediately start rumors circulating around, causing unnecessary drama. Time passed, she learned the truth through sb I had confinded in earlier, and so it happened. Rumors, drama, insults…plus being called a liar.

    I know that there are lessons to be learned from this…learning to set stronger boundaries to avoid such problems is one of them. I’m still confused, though. I know that lying is a sign of being immature. I admit to the fact that I made a mistake. The person that I’m talking about, however, did not accept a simple apology. She continued with her insulting and talking behind my back, demanding me to actually “show”  how sorry I was rather than just saying it, constantly reminding me of how hurt she was. This got me into thinking that maybe I shouldn’t haveven admitted having done sth wrong in the first place as it only seemed to have had worsen the situation.

    With regards to my mom…do you have any advice on what I can do to minimize the tension and anxiety while living in the same house with her?

     

    Mary

     

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166434
    Mary899
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I can understand your point on letting sb have power over you by accepting the blame without first examining and evaluating the situation. There are times however, that I hear how I’ve hurt sb’s feelings by saying or doing sth. At such times I don’t know what to do. If I do say that I’m sorry, as you said, they’re going to take control over me and misuse it. If I don’t, I’ll be accused of not being able to own up to my mistakes.

     

    Also, at least for the few years to come, having no contact with my mom is not possible as we live in the same house. Moving out is still not an option. All I can do is to go from one relative’s home to the other, which causes a great deal of anxiety.

     

    Mary

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166430
    Mary899
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    I can understand the pain that you went through…trying to stay sane in a chaotic, toxic environment is never easy, especially during the formative years of childhood and adolescence. You strike me as  a wise, caring and loving lady…I wish you happiness and fulfillment in all your relationships.

    “Cliques”…what is exactly up with them? Come to think of it, when I was friends with each of these girls individually everything was going fine. However, suddenly these girls decided to make friends with one another, forming a sort of clique, and there came a day that they felt this need to, as you said, gang up on me.
    I agree that having no family member around results in you feeling alone, which then results in you lowering your standards when it comes to picking friends.

    Having moved to a big city from a relatively small one, I had to leave all my family members as well as my old, “healthy” friends behind, which caused an extreme sense of loneliness. However, I have come to realize it’s much better to be alone than with a wrong, abusive group.

     

    Thank you for the book recommendations! I especially like the title of the first one. I’ll go search for them.

     

    Mary

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mary899.
    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166336
    Mary899
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thank you for your reply.

    Unfortunately I’ve come to notice that this is a somewhat recurrent pattern in my life. I was raised by a mentally ill mother, who still treats me much in the same manner that the narcissist did. “You’re too sensitive.” I can’t remember the number of times that I heard this as a child after being mistreated. Come to think of it, I still hear it on a daily basis. That caused me to lose trust in my intuition whenever sth struck me as not being quite right, which I believe is the reason why I ended up in more than two abusive friendships with backstabbing people.

    Classmates I can have (almost) no contact with. But what about my mother? I love her, but she cannot function as a normal person due to her illness. Being around her, so much like being around the narcissists, is like walking on eggshells. When she becomes verbally/emotionally abusive I do my best to stay calm and collected…however, there have been times that I’ve totally lost it as I was deeply hurt by sth that she had said and have said things which I’m not proud of. Other family members have scolded me for not being understanding enough towards her illness. Whenever I’m back home for holidays I’m thrown from one place to another, as, apparently, me and mom cannot live under the same roof for more than a few days.

     

    Sometimes I can’t help but feel I’m stuck in a mess with no way out.  College used to be the joy of my life… it’s the number 1 university of  our country, I had worked hard to get accepted, I was passionate about my field of study, I’ve been at the top of my class with the maximum GPA, I had dreams of becoming a professor…I also “thought” I had made some friends who I could count on for the rest of my life.

    However, now it seems as if everything has been collapsed and shattered to pieces. It seems as if I’m neither welcome to my hometown, nor to my college city. I’m don’t feel as passionate as before about my studies as they remind me of my failed relationships with my college friends. Sometimes I can’t help thinking I’ve brought this all upon myself, and now I have to pay for it.

    Do you have any advice on how I’m supposed to deal with my mother?

    Thank you again, Eliana.

     

    Mary

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166332
    Mary899
    Participant

    Thank you for your book recommendation, Peter.

    in reply to: Apologizing: When is the right time? #166328
    Mary899
    Participant

    Hi Inky:

    Thank you for your advice! I very much like the statement “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Unfortunately,  some of these people cannot be removed from my life as they are family members.

    in reply to: How can I let go without feeling guilty? #164620
    Mary899
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s a good idea to put things into perspective by making a list of what I have learned and what I’d like to change in my future behavior.

    1. I have learned there is nothing shameful about feeling uncomfortable around a certain person. Instead of beating myself up for being too sensitive, I need to respect my emotions and take the message behind them seriously.

    2. Just because somebody keeps saying how much they love you it doesn’t mean that they actually mean it. Chances are, if they are disrespectful towards others, always gossiping and always passing the blame, soon there will come a time that you, too, will be disrespected, gossiped about and be used as a scapegoat, no matter how much you were “loved” at the beginning of the friendship.

     

    3. Just because someone says I have done something wrong doesn’t make it necessarily true. I have to use my own reasoning to evaluate the situation and come to a logical conclusion. Also, I certainly need to stop apologizing for the  things that I haven’t done.

     

    4. To have peace of mind, I need to let go of other people’s opinion about me. Instead, I have to focus on what “I” think of me.

     

    5. Although it is good to be helpful and generous, my level of worth is not measured based on how many sacrifices I make for other people on a daily basis.

     

    6. I need to let go of my constant fear of what other people can do to punish and reject me. (I still have to work on this.)

     

    7. Although I’m generally very quiet and reserved, I still have to control my tongue,  especially in the presence of someone who has shown a deep interest in gossiping.

     

    8. I need to stop trying to fix and control every situation in order to feel secure.

     

    9. I need to learn that it is very common for certain people to mistreat someone who’s been kind and giving to them. People are what they are and do what they do…you can not fix them or their beliefs.

     

    With regards to the sense of guilt…yes. As a child I was always emotionally punished for being anything less than perfect in all areas of life. I was also punished for things that I hadn’t done or were not responsible for, such as my mother’s mental illness.

     

    Again, thank you Anita for spreading your wisdom and for helping me to see the situation more clearly (:

    Mary

     

     

     

     

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 43 total)