Dear Anita,

I don’t know about my parents having been bullied, but I know that they have always been the kind of people who never hit back, no matter what. So, as you had said, they couldn’t teach me that.

The factors that you wrote that my troubles stem from and their results are all very well outlined. I couldn’t have written it better myself, and I really appreciate your detailed insight. It means a lot that I can feel that you care.

I am aware of the fact that money and success don’t necessarily bring happiness, but I still feel they would help me feel independent socially, because I wouldn’t be afraid of saying no or standing up for myself to people who don’t treat me right, as I would feel that I don’t need anything from them. But, while I am not a financially and professionally successful person, I do depend on them, because people are the ones who can offer me opportunities. I’ve looked back on chat that I’ve had 7 years ago with a friend of mine and it made me sad because I noticed that I told her my problems back them and they were exactly the same as now: I’ve always tried to impress people in order to be accepted (without any results), I haven’t had any confidence in myself, I had no idea how to approach girls, and I kept facing rejection.

I’m trying to be the friend I wish I had, but for others, not for myself. I’m trying to behave and talk to people the way I wish my best friend would do to me, but they don’t seem to need that from me. Everybody seems well off without me, and this doesn’t encourage me in my pursuit of finding new friends, because it all makes me feel like I’m forcing things, and a real friendship cannot be forced; it must work naturally. I recently tried becoming friends with a girl I’ve known for a long time. Our families are very good friends, and we are almost the same age. We’ve talked sometimes but we were never friends. I visited her a few times, I gave her a gift on her birthday and I invited her over to watch a movie or out in the city to just talk (I am sure she didn’t see my invitations as dates because I didn’t behave that way with her). I’ve never said anything stupid or offensive to her, and I actually always tried to have interesting conversations with her, and I even opened up to her about myself a few times, but not too much, because I tried to make the conversations about her, not about me. She never really wanted to visit or never initiated any meeting, and whenever she said that she was busy and she would call me the next day, she never did. After a while I heard that she temporarily moved to her parents’ home because she felt very lonely in her apartment and wanted to be around people. This came down as something very odd to me because I’ve always tried to be her friend and for her it seems like it nothing. So I eventually gave up on her too, because at that point I really began feeling like I was forcing it, which I didn’t want. We still talk when we see each other and we chat, but I’m always the first; if I don’t do it, she never does it either.

Being my own best friend is something that I agree with, and I consider it a major part of loving myself. Jumping over cracks, not being afraid of the unknown, trying again and again until I make it, these all sound great, they really do, but I still don’t understand what they imply practically.
I am not as thin or as weak as I used to be when I was little. My former girlfriend (2 years ago) actually said that she really liked the way I looked, which was a very pleasant surprise to me. And I still exercise frequently. But I think that all these things that happened early in my school years have stayed with me, and the added more recent experiences have made me lose faith in the world. The proved me that the way I see the world is not right, and this only leaves me clueless because I don’t know how to see the world the way it really is.

I’ve heard a lot of stories about people who have showed their talents and willingness and they were therefore noticed and appreciated, which lead them to advance, and I thought that would happen to me too. But no. From almost all my experiences (with only a few exceptions), people who were clearly less qualified, willing or caring got to advance while I stayed in the same place, watching them, unnoticed.

To be honest, I often feel the need to just hug somebody, apart from my parents. That’s a different kind of hug. And the thought that there isn’t anybody who would hug me (I’m not even imagining more) makes me feel very sad, because it only strengthens the feeling that I’m not wanted or needed. I’ve actually realized at some point these days that I forgot how it feels to be kissed or touched by a girl in a romantic way (something that so many people talk about being so simple and normal to get), and I almost cried. I think that deep down I can feel that I deserve it, and that’s why I feel this way, but if I look at things logically, the only conclusion that I get to is that it’s my fault, and I don’t deserve it, because if I did, I would have it.

In the last 2 paragraphs I just poured my heart out, and wrote what I feel at this moment. I don’t always feel this way, but this is something recurrent, so I think that these are the thoughts and feelings that lie deep inside me.

Thank you for your reply, Anita, and thank you for taking the time to help me. I’m not planning on giving up, even when I am in my lowest moments, because the only logical step is still to move forward, because it’s my only chance.

Hello Anita,

I’m aware of the fact that my parents are not perfect, of course. I may tend to bring out only their good side, but whenever something comes to my mind that is bad or less good I promise I will mention it.

I’ve been thinking more after re-reading what I wrote to you and I have to add something else: my parents have jobs that are valued by society. They are very nice and helpful people and many people like and respect them, but I think it’s very possible that all those people would not have the same respect for them if they didn’t have these jobs. So the fact that they are valued for the way they are and not for their achievements is actually not true. They are valued for who they are by close friends and family, just like I am.

And now my answer to your request for the to elaborate on “my family has always valued high jobs and they’ve always talked highly about people who had important positions”: I meant that if the subject of our dinner chat was a friend of theirs or a son/daughter of somebody we know, who has gotten a high status job they would have talked about them with words of praise, saying how smart and diligent they were for getting there, talking about how good a life they must have in the future, and honestly I think the same way. I respect people who have managed to find their way in life righteously and are happy, but it also makes me feel very sad and empty because I haven’t, and I feel like a failure for not having been able to achieve things that other people who are even younger than me have easily achieved. I consider myself smart, but whenever I hear about or see these people I feel stupid for not finding a way like they had. I feel inferior to them and this makes me talk to them like they were some kind of chosen ones who know the secrets of the world.

I am very aware of the fact that what I talk about is pure envy, because ever since I remember, I’ve always had in mind the image that I will become a successful person, I will find my way, I will move away to a great place, I will achieve high things, I will be an example for others, I will be respected and wanted (meaning that people will want to hang out with me), and the reality is that after I graduated from college none of these have become true and I became very disappointed, asking myself when or where I have made the mistakes that caused me to leave that path. And this resulted in me becoming full of sadness and envy when I hear about people my age or younger being successful and advancing. I know that being envious is not healthy, but it has become my natural reaction to these things, and I would very much like to get rid of it. I’m actually very happy for those who did it without cheating or doing anything illegal because they really deserve it, but then I remind myself that I deserve it too.

And secondly: No. My parents never talked highly about nor they respected people who achieved things illegally or immorally. This is how I was also raised, but it’s been happening more and more often that I regret being so moral and righteous. I know I shouldn’t, but it stops me from imposing myself and from standing up for myself in different situations. My parents have never raised their voice against somebody except for situations when their reasons were very strong. And I am just like that. I’ve never shouted at anybody, I’ve never faced or took revenge on anybody who had hurt me in any way, and I’ve made my first official complaint to a company against an employee who didn’t treat my right for the first time when I was 25, and I actually thought about it a lot before sending the e-mail (I was too afraid to afraid and anxious to call because I thought I would not be able to think clearly when I tell them my reasons). I regret the fact that I’m not more “manly” because it would help me in my every day life. So here it is, one bad side of my parents, not raising me to be a tougher person But I also need to add something else here: It’s not only my parents who raised me like that. In the country I live in customer service is not something that people care about much, so even if the driver of a bus is rude to the customer without any reason, the customer will be afraid to say anything, they will just bow their heads and stay silent because if they raise their voice, if they are not a really smart and tough person, the driver will win the conflict and will kick them out of the bus.  The complaint I had made was against such a bus driver because he was very rude to me for telling him that he had made a mistake with my reservation, and I made the complaint only after I got off the bus at the destination because if I did it earlier he would have not taken me anywhere and the people from the company would have stuck with him. So growing up in a place where I didn’t feel entitled to be treated nicely by people was also a very strong factor which added up to my sensitiveness, my anxiety and my fears.

Dear Anita,

First of all, Happy Easter!

And now my new reply:

Yes. The “all or nothing”/”black and white” thinking apply to me in many situations.

“That bitterness blinds you to positive experiences, causing you to minimize and even forget those positive experiences.” – Yes, I can recognize this happening to me a lot of times. Often, when something bad happens I forget about all the good. But I’m always trying to change this pattern and to appreciate everything I have and have had, which is actually a lot.

I’ve been often thinking that maybe the problem lies within me and I’m just trying to blame things on everybody and everything else, and I am only lazy and afraid, but if I dig deeper I still get to the conclusion that, of course, I have my own part of the problem, but not all of it. And even if I feel sometimes lazy and afraid, if I look back at my past years I have proven that I’m not. I have done things and have achieved goals that many other people would be afraid to pursue, and I’m proud of it.

But I’ve also noticed that I see myself through my achievements, meaning that I value myself by what I have done (or not), and not by who I am. Whenever I feel that I’ve had a productive day I feel I deserve happiness, but when I feel I haven’t done anything “useful” I immediately feel that I don’t. My self-worth comes from my achievements and not from my self. And thinking about it more has also made me realize that this is how I look at and value many other people, which I believe is wrong and I’m trying to change. I’ve also asked myself whether this comes form my parents, but I don’t think so. They always encouraged me to try to achieve high goals and get far in life, but it was never an obligation or a condition. I just have a constant feeling that I need to achieve very high things in order to be content with myself, to feel that I’ve done things right.

In the next reply I will continue with my story, with the high-school and college years.

And if you remember, I wrote that I stopped writing my “story” when I got to the age of 14. After that, in high school and university I managed to meet some people that I got on well with and whom I felt respected by, but they are only a few and they all live in different parts of the world now, on different continents, far from me, so I am not able to meet them in person.

Christyne:

I’m sorry but not having been through anything like this I don’t feel I am the right person to answer your question. The only thing I can advise you to do is to talk about it with your fiance honestly as it should happen in any loving family.

In order to answer the question properly, I have to clarify something. The person who poured a drink on me was not a bully from school. He was one of the many people (he was 4 years older than me, I think) who live in a “ghetto” part of the town. They haven’t gone to school, they don’t work, they live on welfare, they behave like the world is theirs, and the police doesn’t do anything to them because even they are afraid of them. There is a high risk that if anybody tries to confront them they will take their revenge because they are simply not afraid of anybody, having almost nothing to lose. I don’t think it would have been wise for my parents to tell me to fight back if this were to happen again, because it was obvious that I would have ended up beaten up. Other people my age weren’t so afraid of them because they weren’t “targets” for the bullies, as they were stronger physically and implicitly they felt strong enough to fight back if needed.

Therefore, what my parents did was tell my teacher, thinking that the bully might have been a student, but he wasn’t. Some of my classmates though of somebody in the school who could have been the bully from my description and they told me to go with them to see if it was him (I remember feeling so good that they for them trying to help me). We went to see, but it wasn’t that person. When I left school 2 of my classmates also came with me (if I remember well) thinking that the bully might be there again, but he wasn’t. But the thought of him (or anybody else whom he represented) has always been there with me. Given the fact that nobody even knows where he lives, because they are always on the street, my parents couldn’t do more about it. I remember that all the time they kept encouraging me to do anything I wanted to, and the have been always trying to make me feel that I am a worthy and lovable person. But I never got to pass a certain line on that “path”, because of all these experiences that I’ve had with my peers. I didn’t feel safe on the street because of that experience (and some other similar ones), and I didn’t feel quite well at school either because I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others. Whenever there was a choice they would always leave me. I’ve always wished I had that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down. I’ve been helped or defended a few times but as far as I remember I feel that It happened because they had a personal interest in it, they didn’t do it for me.

Same goes for parties. I hated going to any birthday party or similar events because I just didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t like dancing and I didn’t drink or smoke. Everybody else seemed to be just fine without me so I had absolutely no interest in being there because I didn’t like anything going on there, not even the music. I rarely found a person whom I could have a genuine conversation with but it didn’t last long.

And something else I remembered: I always tried to change myself in order to fit in with my peers. I wanted to impress them, but of course it never worked. And I feel that this has stayed with me even today. I still feel that I’m trying to impress every person I meet in order to be accepted by them, and it’s more like a reflex now, not a decision. The only place where I feel accepted for who and what I am is with my family.

I remember something very strange from when I was around 10 years old. I don’t remember when it began or when it ended, but I know that every morning before going to school I woke up feeling sick because of nervousness and a few times I even threw up. It went on like this for weeks. It was a fear mixed with anxiety, not for going on the street alone, but more for going to school. My parents took me to the doctor but I was perfectly healthy. They also talked to my teacher and she gathered the whole class and said that one of us was dealing with some difficulties (she didn’t say it was me) and if anybody knows why this happened they are asked to say it, but nobody said anything. They didn’t have anything to say because it wasn’t anybody or anything in particular. I still have the exact same feeling whenever I have an exam, or anything important on a given day.

If I think back now, I would say that anybody could have told me absolutely anything about how worthy I was, or how I should accept and love myself the way I am, because if I hadn’t seen it happening practically, I wouldn’t have believed it. If you keep telling me that I am a great comedian but almost nobody laughs at my jokes (except for my family) for years, I will gradually stop believing I am funny.

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Matthew.

Thank you, Anita.

Honestly I have no idea where to start. Maybe it would be best if you asked me something.