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    Dear Anita,

    I appear to have relapsed into severe depression again. Last night I experienced debilitating depression while Vyvanse was still in my system. I have not smoked Marijuana in 3 days. The Vyvanse is not helping with adhd symptoms anymore. I only exercised once this week, and had to stop after 20 minutes because of chest pains, and my heart rate did not go down after 10 minutes of light walking and rest. I was consistently exercising 3-4 times a week for the past 4 weeks.

    I feel abandoned spiritually too. I can’t hear or sense my higher self. I feel old symptoms re-emerging again. I was feeling suicidal last night, and the thoughts were not even mine.

    It feels as though all of my hard work and progress has been undone in a single moment. As if these past 4 months were just a glimpse of light, before entering another long and dark tunnel. I don’t know if I have the energy to go into another tunnel like this again. If this is an actual depressive relapse, it would be my 4th one.

    I’ve been experiencing anhedonia for the past 4 days, something that I was dealing with chronically for the past 3 years. I feel defeated that this has come back.

    I feel powerless in my adhd and inability to keep any routine or habit. I still struggle with brushing my teeth and taking regular showers. My temporary exercise routine is going down the gutter again.

    I feel chronic joint pain in my hands and feet. Typing at work hurts. Laying down hurts. Playing games or doing the things I used to do hurt.

    This sudden struggle with cardio is scaring me.

    What was the point of all this work? Why shouldn’t I just relapse and start smoking again? It seems that what I do doesn’t matter in the end anyway. If nature is intent on me suffering with chronic illness, why should I try to fight that?



    If you were referring to me in your last sentence, thank you.

    Yes, it’s amazing what you are doing.

    Thank you for responding. I think part of the conflict in #2 is me getting emotional over my own healing and acting before thinking at times. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how my trauma is trans-generational, and the connections I am making between how I used to think and behave with how I see things playing out in society. In a way, it feels as though I’m in this process of reframing my past traumas from specifically targeting me (why me?) to understanding that I am just a node in a complex causal web of traumas being spread from individual to individual. Talking about these things online and with others has also helped lessen the hold these memories have on me. Yet I still get scared putting this information out there every time. It feels both stressful and relieving at the same time.

    For #3, I should have clarified – I have only taken psilocybin once, and that was 3 months ago before I got on Vyvanse. It was a small dosage (1g) that I did with my ex-girlfriend. I think that experienced has rewired parts of my brain because I was never making such connections between disparate ideas as I am now. I think prior to that experience I was still hopelessly lost trying to come to terms with my traumas.

    The marijuana was also a core part of the healing process too, as strange as that sounds. It felt as if getting high would activate an old bridge between the left and right hemispheres of my brain, as I was suddenly experiencing a flood of different emotions that I never noticed while sober. Even simple things like worrying about my job, feeling accomplished, worried about what I said to someone, or my unhappiness with my then girlfriend – all of that was revealed to me while high. I suddenly had to acknowledge long held emotions that I was never consciously aware of sober. My emotional flashbacks only ever occurred while high. Crying and reconnecting with my inner-self happened while high. I was able to process a lot of painful memories and realizations while high. None of this would have been possible without Marijuana. I only started smoking it this year more regularly. I was in therapy for many years with many different therapists, and never experienced such breakthroughs.

    However that’s not to say it’s all been good and well. I think I have developed a habit with it and sometimes use it as a means to escape my boredom. Now that I am on Vyvanse I am not taking it until late in the evening, long after the effects of the medication have worn off. My doctor is aware of my drug intake, and I’ve mentioned that I will not be combining both.

    For #4, yes this is my current strategy

    For #5, I am focusing on regular cardio exercise and a somewhat regular routine to counteract the chaos that I was living in before. I think the frustrations with slowing down are the tremendous burdens I seem to keep hold of. I’m constantly reminding myself that I ‘didn’t practice writing music this week’ or ‘I didn’t read this book that week’ or ‘I need to eventually go back to playing piano again’ or ‘I didn’t practice X for these past 2 weeks’ or ‘I didn’t finish project X or Y’. I know I’m overloaded with too many personal obligations, but I can’t cut myself off from them. I can’t just do one thing semi regularly for a long time. My focus and concentration seems to last a month at most before I have to drop everything and switch my focus on something else. I really cannot comprehend how someone can just do the same thing for the rest of their lives, even if they enjoy it.

    I have tried meditations in the past, and the thoughts that come up, combined with the constant need to micromanage my breathing and focus tire me out. I tried a different method where I would just write the same sentence over and over again. I had to stop after the 5th repetition as my entire body and mind was frazzled with stress. There’s something about repetition that causes me great discomfort and stress. It almost feels OCD like where I feel a compulsion to stop repeating.

    Thank you for hearing me out and your advice & suggestions. I’ll try to find a time to invest in Tai Chi, as I’ve always had an interest in trying it.

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