Hi Anita,

Once again, I like the practical approach you suggest at the end. Be an observer and listen (engaged), notice what the “automatic” reaction is with certain types of emotional triggers (e.g. – anger),  and stay grounded in my values (e.g. responding with compassion, but rejecting the silent treatment). This cascaded a lot of thoughts in me, re: how to go about creating that “safe” environment to work on issues in the relationship. I think it takes honesty, listening skills and emotional awareness on both partners to really achieve that. It seems to me in a healthy relationship we should be able to both work on the issues and work on “being better at working on issues”.

I can give you an update on communication with my ex. She eventually reached out to let me know she was going on a trip with a friend, and hoping to use the time for reflection and to “reset”; she mentioned thinking of me/us and that she considered my offer to meet in Europe but tickets were too expensive. That was 3 days ago; since then we’ve been connecting/exchanging daily by text message, and I can sense a change of “tone”/more openness on her part. (there was no apology though for the silent treatment).

I know this doesn’t mean that we will get back together (we need to have an in person discussion when we are both back in a couple of weeks about how things would need to evolve), but I’m glad that lines of communication are open again. My perspective is that I should not focus on whether we will get back together, but rather on continuing to heal and maintaining such a mindset that, if the right conditions for us to get back together show up again, then I will be able to identify and seize the opportunity as a better partner myself.

ME

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind words at the end. Slowly but steadily the narrative in my mind is changing from “I can’t believe I scr***d this up” to “I did everything I could with what I had in the end” and “there were toxic patterns on both sides and what we need is not to pick up the relationship  where we left it but instead to see if there is a way to evolve it into something healthier”;.

You’re right about the passive-aggressive behavior preceding me; that’s actually something I remember telling her multiple times during the course of our relationship (“You can’t be upset because of me not reading your mind”… ” You say something is ok but you act like you’re not ok”). She did acknowledge that trait in herself and was making efforts to be more straightforward when something bothered her (although sometimes that meant straight up “aggressive”).

She did apologize to me for certain reactions/behaviors through the course of our relationship (and so did I before). I really believes she is a good, honest, decent, thoughtful woman. This doesn’t make her current approach less frustrating/hurtful to me, but perhaps her withdrawing has something to do with how she deals with upsetting experiences based on her childhood trauma (without getting into details, she was physically abused as a child), trauma that perhaps have shaped some of her “withdrawal” instincts which are still unresolved today and which were triggered by the situation (she mentioned a few weeks ago she felt “empty inside when it came to thinking of me or responding to my messages, like her brain was “Shutting down”).

I have accepted that if there is ever a path forward for her and I, it will mean we have both worked on/are both working on our unresolved insecurities and issues. Yet I still cannot harbor any resentment or feeling that she “does not deserve me” – how could I blame her for unhealthy reactions coming from unresolved issues, when my anxiety stemmed from my own unresolved issues?

The hopeless romantic in me is having a hard time not seeing the “tragedy” of the situation (perhaps that in itself is part of my unresolved issues – the idea that with love and passion and willingness to make things work together we can overcome any relationship difficulty). Perhaps this is how we learn that a relationship also has pre-requisites on timing, external factors, and emotional health of both partners. I feel like I have / am definitely learning a lot of from this experience – I will approach my future relationships with a more balanced and mature perspective. I just hope the feeling of “disillusionment” about the nature of love and relationship will subside.

ME

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Me2445.

Dear Anita,

You’re right about HCM – any strenuous or competitive physical activity is dangerous, and while I can’t resign myself to just golf (like my cardiologists joke), I have had to give up things like martial arts and soccer that I used to love. And indeed, stress is not good for the heart, especially the broken ones (literally and figuratively) 🙂

I thought about your point about not taking all the blame in the relationship and not accepting the “silent treatment”. You’re right that a relationship on the whole is a shared responsibility, and that not recognizing that (i.e. thinking that the relationship can work again if only make efforts to learn from my mistakes) in a sense goes against rebuilding my self-worth which has been affected by the recent life events.

That being said, in spite of my frustration with her silence I felt like I owed it to her to allow her space to think things through and get some clarity, if that’s what she was trying to tell me but is not able to communicate; I know this situation has affected her deeply too (I notice she lost much weight) and that in the end we are all trying our best, if we assume people are not looking to hurt other intentionally (and I don’t believe she is).  I do want to be with someone who is consistent, and honest/straightforward; and so I thought I should continue to act as such myself, like I have been doing in the past 4 weeks, and not deviate from that – playing mindgames with “no contact” and waiting strategies is not who I want to be, and that I should show her that.

So I decided to follow your advice and send her a response now, taking responsibility again for my share of the issues, and letting her know i hope that when and if she will be able to communicate her thoughts she will feel comfortable coming to me, however conflicted she may be about our relationship; that I was available always if she wanted to talk and that I wished for her to be well either way.  Crafting what I felt was a stable/resolute yet compassionate message was the way to be true to myself. I reminded myself I may not get a response for a few days or at all, and if that’s the case it will be ok – I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I do, and at least I will have no regrets because I will not have let my ego stand in the way of doing what I felt was right, I will have done what takes more courage for me even if she didn’t.  That feeling in turn will help me focus on my own wellbeing in the meantime – something that will be good for me regardless of the outcome.

I thought about the notion of “shared responsibility”, and realized it also means that the relationship doesn’t “belong” to either person. So if she doesn’t want to engage anymore, I should not feel regret about being left “holding” something broken by myself, because that would mean there is nothing left to “hold” anymore.

I will keep you updated on her response, if and when it comes (and even if it doesn’t…). I would love to hear your thoughts on the above in the meantime. Thank you again for taking the time to listen and share your perspective.

ME