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June 2, 2020 at 8:41 am #357345MelParticipant
I’m realizing now at age 32 what has been depleting my energy levels for over 15 years.
I began watching porn very young (11?) because I had an older brother who apparently didn’t close all the windows on our 1998 computer.
every night I’d sneak down to watch the most horrifying things imaginable because at that time the internet was completely open. I didn’t search for the horror it was just the options we had.
the things I saw scared me but I also became addicted. I developed OCD shortly after and inferiority complex to boys. I thought men were evil from then on and that women were worthless. During this time I was attending shut her every Sunday and church school during the week and at church , women weren’t mentioned much either. “Father, son, Holy Spirit”. Ok. But where are women. Where did I fit in?
I felt so alone during this time and so guilty for watching pornography because I knew it was wrong but was also a child so I couldn’t quite comprehend it either. Anyway, every night I’d tell God I didn’t feel good and it was because I knew the porn was bad but I became addicted and kept watching. Over the weeks and months of nightly watching and sake night repenting and promising I’d never do it again I developed a few mental disorders. The guilt has been the worst part. This guilt was compounded in my emotional physical body until now. This guilt stole so much joy and life from me. I’ve calculated now that I have slept (avoidance) half half or more of my life away just to get away from the intrusive thoughts / guilt.
I now realize that despite my ability to sing in front of hundreds of people and have lead roles all through high school, my self esteem and trust and reliance on myself was nonexistent. The guilt just keeps coming too! I did this to myself!
How now do I release this new guilt of plaguing my own life?!
I despise the porn industry and will love to see the day it burns in hell. It brought me hell.
unril this day me nor my therapists , doctors could figure out WHY my health has been so awful and energy levels very low.
im depressed thinking about what I have created for myself.