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Midnight

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 69 total)
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  • #116785
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    This is my view of the matter as well. You have been most helpful.
    Thanks again, and all the best to you too.

    Midnight

    #116781
    Midnight
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your input and advice.

    Your intention was very clear in speaking about your therapist, rest assured:) I was just thinking out loud, on the off chance that I could see him. Because as you obviously know, it is very hard to find a good, committed therapist. I thought mine was, but now I am not so sure anymore.

    I agree with you, I always wanted to have a diagnosis because I believe it does help, especially with an issue such as ROCD which is by nature very misleading and tricky – you’re not always sure if you actually have a problem or not. But it seems that Freudian therapists are not too keen on diagnoses, or at least not too keen on sharing them with their patients. They seem to think it is bad and limiting to “label”. And it probably is for some people, but not for me.

    You sharing your experience with me is very valuable to me and I really appreciate it, thanks again. I will try to manage the new “spike” as well as I can for now, and give a serious thought to how I want to proceed with my therapist. I will probably start by confronting him about the present state of the therapy, and try to look into other options in parallel.
    Will update here if there’s anything new.

    Midnight

    #116774
    Midnight
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    Unfortunately I do not live in the US at all, I just wanted to confirm that he was as I wasn’t sure. If however you think he might be willing to treat me by email considering that I don’t live in the states, I would love to try.

    I understand what you are saying about leaving the therapy. I guess I could look into other options, it’s definitely something I need to think about.

    I understand what you are saying about Nature and Nurture as well, that’s a good point. And an optimistic one:) Especially considering your success in treating similar issues. I was wondering about the ROCD diagnosis as it is still not recognized widely, and also because my therapist never put any label on what I am suffering from. He did imply it was a form of OCD after I have mentioned it. He too thinks, like you wrote in your previous post, that this is a distraction, something which is there to avoid dealing with other, deeper issues. But he never openly said it was OCD or ROCD.

    Thank you.

    #116760
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time and the effort to writing back to me in such detail.

    I am very glad to hear that you have managed to heal from your ROCD and have had such a good experience with your therapist. It is very encouraging for me to hear that. From what you told, it seems it might have been this specific person, rather than a specific method, which helped you so much. I believe it is quite rare for a therapist to put in extra time or allow communication in between sessions in this way, he must have been very committed to your process and maybe a bit more flexible about the “rules”. All in all, he sounds like a rare find.

    My goal is obviously to heal completely from this, not just vent, because it is making my life miserable. And the venting itself does not bring much relief at all. But thinking back, I guess I have always had some level of anxiety at times in my life, maybe not as a very young child but I believe it started around age 9-10. So this makes me wonder – maybe I’m just “like that”. Maybe this is my character, my physiology even, and there’s nothing to be done. Although I would have much preferred having anxiety about any other issue, or just general anxiety, instead of having it evolve around the one person I am closest to. I saw you wrote on another thread that you are still dealing with anxiety. From what you told here, you have managed to break the link between your anxiety and your partner, and this is a goal I would give anything to achieve. So to answer what you were saying – my goal IS to heal from this completely, I’m just not sure that this is possible anymore.

    I do wonder as well about leaving my therapist – will that not be similar to finding him inadequate and “breaking up”, like I oftendid with my relationships? I had intended to remain with him and try to trust him, also as a way to break this pattern of leaving relationships.

    I have two questions for you about your therapist if you don’t mind – did he diagnose you with ROCD? Or did he prefer not to label you or your feelings? And also – I suppose you live in the US? Because reading about him made me wonder if I could not see him myself:) I hope these questions were not too impertinent…

    I really don’t know how to thank you for being here, it’s such a big help, you have no idea.

    #116739
    Midnight
    Participant

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond so late.

    I look forward to reading anything you would like to add, when you have a moment.

    #116708
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your detailed reply. A lot to think about there.

    I guess for some reason it’s still hard for me to believe that these issues stem from my childhood experiences. Maybe because I am under the influence of these thoughts at the moment and so I tend to think that these are all “excuses”, and the issue is much simpler – that the relationship is not right.

    I understand what you are saying about the child’s perspective and the adult perspective though. This rings very true. But I wonder how do you go back to things that you experienced as a child and use them to feel better in the present, do you just try to remember more about these experiences somehow? I really don’t know how to approach this, how to go from here and explore this further. Do you try to get in touch with more memories, that you have forgotten about? And if so, how?

    Please don’t feel obliged to answer my questions about this, I realize this is probably stuff that cannot really be addressed so much in this format. I was just wondering if you had some general idea of how these things are accessed or processed in a therapy such as the one you underwent.

    I do take into consideration your thoughts about my current therapist. You might very well be right. I think I will gave him a few more chances, in the hope that my sharing my experiences with my brother did open up some new path. Also, I will try to speak to him about my need of clarity and direction from him, I have not really spoken to him about this but accepted this as being his style, as this was also the way it was with other therapists I have been to. Maybe he will adapt his style a bit if I bring it up in a more outspoken way.

    I do believe that the therapist you have been to used a different method to Freudian ones though, so maybe it’s more a question of trying something else if this doesn’t work out. I have been wary of CBT because from reading about it it felt to me a bit simplistic, like training your mind to ignore or control specific thoughts. Not an in-depth approach, but more like a training of sorts. I was afraid that if I try that it will only help for a while, and then my issues might evolve into a new form because they would not have been addressed under the surface.

    I admit that lately I have started viewing therapy as a place for me to share thoughts and ideas that I can’t share with my partner for obvious reasons (because it’s mostly regarding my feelings for him), and to vent off my feelings without hurting him. I have pretty much accepted the idea that I would just need to see a therapist forever (not necessarily this one, but someone). Because I’m just an anxious person and I need this support.

    Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to respond. It really is a big help.

    #116695
    Midnight
    Participant

    Another thing that came up with my therapist: he was trying to help me look into the possibility that there have been sexual experiences, real or imagined by me, in my childhood that might be the origin of some of my anxieties today. He seemed to suggest that I might present some symptoms, but I don’t really agree. I have not been sexually active at an early age, or had extensive knowledge of sex as a child, or presented other kinds of symptoms (I do have an issue with pain during intercourse but I have reasons to believe is a physical issue in my case. He seems to think it is more of a psychological one).

    So I believe he does try to subtly point me in the direction of exploring my sexual experiences or imaginations as a child, but I have my own view about that and don’t really think it’s the source of my anxiety. It sounds a bit too Freudian for my taste but he is a Freudian therapist so I guess it’s not his fault:-)

    #116693
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reassuring response. It does help to know that you believe that my core issues are not related to my husband.

    Because sometimes it feels as though if only I hadn’t been in this relationship things would be better, more peaceful. But when I do get some perspective back on it, I don’t really believe it’s true. Because I have always had this feeling of dread, stress and distance from my partner in any long relationship (by long I mean, more than 2-3 dates). Sometimes even very early on.

    I will consider sharing more about my family but I am not sure how comfortable I would feel about that, even if I omit some details as you suggested. It just feels too public for me, when I have no idea who might be reading and how many people will see this.

    I understand what you are saying about the therapy. Maybe it is because I have been too defensive with my therapist, or because I do not know how to access these more ancient layers of my psyche. Or maybe because there are no deep, dark secrets there to be revealed? I really don’t know. He responds to what I bring to the sessions but does not suggest methods, or asks questions, usually.

    #116685
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response and for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

    Your post left me a bit perplexed. At first I felt a surge of anxiety when I read it, because it seemed to me that you were implying that I was compromising, that I was closing my eyes to the reality in which I am living – meaning, that my relationship cannot be truly satisfying.

    I am not sure if you meant that and would much appreciate it if you could clarify a little, as it seems that you have something specific in mind.

    I would especially like to know what you meant by the following: “And so, as intelligent, reasonable and wider- perspective as you are, you cannot integrate some crucial information so to heal, because it involves feeling that distress that was once too much to bear.”

    I have spoken to my therapist about my brother. He seems to think that there are indeed some subconscious issues involving my family which are haunting me. I didn’t know how to develop this further, because I don’t remember anything which seems relevant other than what I already told him (some dreams, a few old memories, too personal to share here). I guess I just don’t really understand how any of that could relate to what seems to me (right now at least) a very concrete issue with the person I am with and the gap that there might be between us? Yes I have anxiety, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be something that’s actually wrong in my relationship. Maybe I have always compromised somewhere in my relationships and deep down I know it and am anxious about it? Is this what you meant? At any rate I have not always had the anxiety and stress over this specific point, with other partners it was about attraction or not feeling “in love”, or about other things, sometimes I didn’t even know what bothered me. Which I guess could mean that the issue always repeats itself, but I think it latches itself to stuff that really bother me in reality, it’s not just made-up stuff. That’s what’s troubling me.

    Sorry if my message is confused, I am quite anxious right now and trying to express my thoughts as they come.

    I would have like to share further about my family but I’m afraid this feels too exposed for me, I already feel that I gave out too much information on this forum, I am usually a very discreet person.

    Again thank you for being there.

    #116675
    Midnight
    Participant

    So I’ve been feeling better since I last wrote here and now I’m pretty much back to square one again.
    Feeling worried that I might have settled and compromised, and my partner is not a good enough match for me on an intellectual level. A week ago I was very happy to be with him but now the doubts again. All because I read something silly online about people who feel that they have an intellectual gap with their partner. And because we had a somewhat philosophical discussion lately and I felt that he wasn’t very advanced/deep in his thinking. I’m so scared now that maybe all of this is true and I’m in the wrong relationship for me and could’ve been happier and more fulfilled with someone else.

    Please help:/

    #116467
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear allicia,

    I understand. I believe that you should make the choice that creates less stress and anxiety for you, and not think so much about the possible consequences. If you feel equally anxious about both options, then it’s probably best to take some time off as Anita suggested to get some distance from it. And try to see a therapist either way.

    #116454
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear allicia,

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling bad. But I am not surprised, like Anita I think this is normal. You are going through something at the moment and it’s not easy for you.

    I know this movement of back and forth with anxiety, sometimes you manage to calm down and then the scary thoughts come back again, because you feel like you don’t deserve to be calm and happy. Is this how you feel now? I am wondering if the anxiety is not some kind of punishment you are giving yourself, not consciously of course. But I know how it works sometimes, you relax and then all of a sudden a voice inside of you says – how can you just relax there when this and that are wrong! When you are dropping out! How dare you be relaxed and happy when you are doing something you shouldn’t be and it’s all your fault! Does this sound like the kind of thoughts you are having? Let me know if I’m wrong, it’s just a thought I had.

    I do think it would help you to see a therapist, can you make an appointment anytime soon? Sometimes when you make an appointment and know that you will see someone soon, the anxiety calms down a bit already.

    #116362
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear allicia,

    Your plan sounds good. Please don’t hesitate to post again if you need to, whatever is on your mind.

    #116352
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear allicia,

    You are right, whatever you choose you’re going to be fine. It is important that you remember that because it can help to take some of the fear and stress away.

    A few posts back you said you have a plan for after you drop out in case you decided to do that, do you want to share it here maybe?

    #116333
    Midnight
    Participant

    Hi Laura,

    I was happy to hear that you are starting a new job and that you have activities that interest you, this is a great start. I agree with what you said about lowering expectations and about small talk, and I think that it’s great that you’re going out by yourself. I also agree with Nina, being alone is not necessarily a bad thing altogether. But I’m sure it’s only a temporary stage until you settle into your new place and job.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 69 total)