So things have been going ok recently. My bf has been ok with spending time with me and doing things together. I’ve had to be brave enough to continue visiting him and staying over at his parents house but I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotions and stress related to our situation.

I have been struggling with feelings of guilt and shame. Even though I know I made the right decision it feels like my bf is still ‘holding it against me’. He has made a few comments that have cut a bit deep. For example we were shopping for food for dinner and I suddenly had a massive feeling of indecision and anxiety because I couldn’t decide what to buy. This happens to me a lot anyway because (even before the recent ‘disagreement’) I always want to make others happy and want them to decide so I can be sure they are going to be pleased. Anyway I asked my bf what he would like for food and he kept saying it was up to me. I said I wanted his input but he said ‘it’s easier for you to make the decision, that way you won’t change your mind and pull out so easily’ This really upset me and I asked him not to be mean.

I do understand that he is depressed. That recent events have hurt him etc. So I can understand why he would say something like that. I don’t like feeling that I have disappointed him. That he is disappointed in me. Even though I am comfortable with the logical decision I made the consequences hurt me emotionally. I also understand that healing this will take time. I just want things to go back to the way they were so badly.

We were having a nice weekend. It was just the two of us as his parents had gone away. Everything seemed to be going ok and enjoying each other’s company like we used to. But then his parents came home earlier than expected and it felt like that changed things again. we retreated to his room and haven’t really done anything else for the rest of the day. I know he is frustrated because of this. Then I guess it reminds both of us of the difficulties of living with parents and not living our lives how we want to.

Before his parents came home early I had been thinking how nice it was when it’s just the two of us. That living together would be lovely and I felt a little bit of hope again.

I guess I just need to be more patient. I do see a therapist on a regular basis which helps me keep things in perspective.