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  • March 3, 2017 at 7:43 pm #135541
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    Hello again, Anita:

    Thank you for your words, they do mean a great deal. He did in fact say, “I can see us getting Married.” I have been thinking all day about what you said, in terms of the time he was with her. That is practically his whole adult life, and keeping that in mind has helped me.

    She was quite abusive, and he was very unhappy for a very long time. He now has an image of Marriage and Commitment as being nothing but hard work that “inevitably will end in flames.”

    The whole situation is difficult as we care(d) for eachother very deeply. Having that connection, I can still feel what he is feeling, see what he is doing, and touch in on him energetically if I am not careful. I try to do this as little as possible, as it becomes an exercise in detaching and cutting bonds. Sometimes, particularly when I am overcome with grief, I can feel that it is actually him feeling this, and that is when it becomes a struggle.

    I am learning how to let go and trust that he is OK, that above all of this he is held in peace and love. And that I am going to feel better soon, I need to feel better soon, and somehow still be able to Love him wholly, but release this attachment.

    Thank You again for your feedback, and any other thoughts you may have are welcomed.

    March 3, 2017 at 1:29 pm #135367
    A
    Participant

    Thank you Peter, and Anita for your feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

    Anita,

    A few months ago when this originally came up, he opted to work (remotely) with my Therapist. This was a huge step, and we were all confident of a positive outcome. My expectations for him were only that one day, we would be together… that we would not put any labels or pressure on ourselves. That because this was real love, we would let it grow organically, and in time, when it was right, we would take the next step.

    I told him I was falling in love with him, and that I wanted no other man in my life, or bed. That I would take each day as it came, and that eventually, even if it took years, that I was ok with that. He told me how he felt about me, and because of his genuine caring and love, I was able to transcend needing a label, time frame, or anything of that nature.

    He was good with that, but one day he became distant again. We talked it through and he realized it was his fear, and we moved forward as normal. A few more weeks went by, and he became distant and not-reciprocating of my gentle affections. I asked him what was going on and his reply was that he loved talking to me, doing things with me, and that I was an amazing woman, one unlike any other he had ever known…but that he “didn’t necessarily want a partner right now, and he didn’t know what to do.”

    I was of course hurt, because after 8 months of this, it was beginning to become a source of great pain for me. We agreed he would talk to our mutual Therapist (with who, I have trust) before we made any final decision or talk again.

    They had a long session, and then he and I talked. He was very clear that he was not ready. He stated that he could see us getting Married, and did not want to uproot his life, and have his kids think he was trying to replace their Mother. He said over and over, “I know this doesn’t make sense, I know it doesn’t but it is how I feel”

    It was very painful. He was in tears and professing his feelings for me, but that he just could not do it.

    That was one month ago, tonight.

    Thank you for listening.

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