Hi Sammi-

Hope the thrifting went well and that all your fluorescent dreams came true. Here are a few of my thoughts for the new year, a kind of summation of the things that we’ve posted, and the reason I was asking about your therapist and art stuff.

When I refer to this being year of big changes for you, I don’t mean the chronological 2017 but the fact that before the age of 16 you’re more or less ‘acted upon’ or told what to do and now it’s pretty much time to start making some decisions about whether you will stay in the same place or put in effort towards moving on from some of the things (anxieties, phobias etc..) that you describe and that hold you back. How do you want your life to be, and what can you do to help yourself prepare for the time that you’re actually able to start getting out in the world more independently?

It seems to me that you’ve been able to separate the home situation from ‘you’ meaning it’s not your fault ‘good person bad situation’ and all we’ve posted about. The abuse you’ve had to withstand has nothing to do with the true ‘you’ but has come from other/s.

While art stands on it it’s own it can also be ‘therapeutic’ to different degrees. A way of surfacing or working through things that are not easily said. It doesn’t have to be one way or another (therapeutic or not therapeutic) and sometimes the distinction is not that clear, but I have wondered about the degree to which your work has autobiographical elements that tie in with the self harm/the way you see yourself and how much of it stems from some of the abuse you’ve referred to. The feeling of disjointedness (pretty sure you linked it to mental illness/physical disjointedness in your last post).

Perhaps it’s a mix, and it doesn’t really matter to what degree. But what I’m really wondering is if these things get addressed with your therapist. Of course this is private – it’s your business and you don’t by any means need feel obliged to answer any of these questions here – but my hope is that you’re proactive with your therapist or at least are starting to be. Becoming more proactive is one of the differences between 15 and 16. If not maybe it’s time to become a bit more proactive about wanting to move through these things so you don’t feel like you’re ‘playing the mental illness card’ as you’ve described it. There’s NO REASON for you to feel guilty about what you are and aren’t capable of at the moment, or feel like you’re ‘playing a mental illness card’ . But the fact that you used this term makes me think that maybe you feel you are.. and maybe you’re ready to move through that.

Self harm/phobias etc.. – it’s really useful to sort through them, to try to get a bit of distance on them and see them as not your fault or not part of you, per se. Perhaps a few moments of meditation where you can separate yourself from them and see them at least for a few seconds from a distance the way you do now with the home ‘situation’.

I’ve seen all of the above go both ways. I’ve had people close to me indulge in and use therapy so they can use their mental issues as a sort of ‘currency’ to dominate situations or get enabled by friends, spouses and family. I’ve also seen people (a friend’s daughter your age, in fact and another friend’s son) work through things and really start to make progress.

My feeling is that you can make terrific progress on all these fronts. Your intelligence can win out, Sammi – once you start adding a heavier dose of discipline/determination to wanting to move through it. 16 is the perfect age to start doing this! So there you go. Yes, I’m putting a lot on your plate in terms of addressing a lot of stuff. I know none of it is easy. It’s an ongoing process. But I really think you can do it.

Hoping you’ll really think about the above.

Ciao for now..

Hi Sammi–

Wanted to get back to you quickly since this weekend might be a busy one..

The New Year’s onesie debacle sounds like a comic/tragic short film or a bad dream. Ah well, hope you had fun anyway. Didn’t mean for you to watch the whole show on Netflix, just thought you’d be interested in the opening sequence. Indeed, it’s dark and the show is even darker for the most part (corrupt pope murdering everyone and anyone who gets in his way and marrying his daughter off for the money – just like it was during the renaissance). Fascinating and beautiful show, but often quite wicked.

A style the eternal search for many artists. It’s too soon in your development to develop ‘a style’. If you were to get locked in to one ‘style’ now, it would be premature, and become ‘dead’. So now is a time to keep exploring and not worry about that. Expressing what you want to express, and keeping exploring is what it’s about. Looking back on all of Picasso’s ‘styles’ you can see that there was a thread throughout all his different periods that lead him to where he ended up. His early stuff from the 20’s was about copying very classical stuff. Things just develop naturally. Nothing wrong with also copying manga while doing other types of stuff as well. So it’s more about the evolution that happens naturally while you’re trying to express yourself, continuing to develop technique and resisting the temptation to feel like whatever style you happen to be working in at the moment ‘defines’ you forever.

Submit some of your stuff, to stickerbento. And make the deal with yourself that possible rejection won’t rule your attitude towards future submissions – there’s a ton of rejections. My mother used to get rejected from one show only to take a prize at another with the same painting. So don’t take it personally, also see it as part of your progress.

And yes, wah-wah-wah look at the sacrifice I’ve had to make because of the carpet and all you can do is complain about being away for 8 hours??? All your fault because you didn’t take the dogs out? Don’t think so.

I want to address some of the other things you talk about, namely oversleeping, mental health, what does or doesn’t constitute the ‘mental illness card’ (another pet topic of mine having to do with some family members). Remember that you are reaching out in some very healthy ways… More about all that in another note.

I do have a couple of questions: Do you homeschool through your school? When you mention your counselor, do you mean therapist? Or is that someone who’s associated with school and is more of that kind of counselor? Anyone to talk to about the fact that you’re behind on those classes?

More soon.

Well Howdy-

Sorry it’s been a bit. I’ve been navigating New Year’s and also trying to line up work. I do have many ideas regarding the coming year, but have’t had time to put them together.

Addressing a few things where we left off:

Wondering how your New Year’s/the cos-con thing went. All good for New Year’s? Ready for some changes? I’m trying my best to get at least a few things on my terms despite what the universe seems to have in store for me (like as soon as I book on a job I get a jury duty notice around the same dates). Although you feel somewhat world-weary at the ripe old age of 16, now is the time to work on some changes, or at least to LEARN to work on some changes – since the work you do on yourself now (before you’re ‘great escape’ at 18) will serve you well. More on that in another post.

As for the photoshop question, I was asking since I know you’re pretty computer literate and the whole cc suite is really useful both personally and (eventually) professionally. I do appreciate what you say about the directness of sai since it stays out of your way in terms of creativity. It takes a while to get what they call in the industry ‘transparency’ with a program, meaning it’s as natural to you as picking up a pencil and you’re not grappling with the technical learning curve. As for the creative cloud and your ‘severance’ theme, do you have access to netflix? The opening to the Borgia’s has an incredible title sequence done in after effects that to me represents both mastery of the technical side while also not letting the technical side get in the way of the ‘creative’ side. Especially in this case since they’re dealing with renaissance artwork. I mention this because there’s a picture of a painting of St. Jerome, which is a common renaissance theme ..you’ll see if if you watch. Great job incorporating renaissance works into a new form. Actually just found the title sequence on youtube–

All that said, I’m still thinking you should place great stock in your writing and also building your art skills. Like I said, the the song cover design brought you to a slightly different place since it was a request and not completely generated in your head, and was actually really good. And in its own small way is something to build on. Take your skills seriously. More to say about this stuff in another post…

Fully understand the embarrassment of the doc’s office flirtation. This was kind of ‘your time’ and then here’s this other thing going on in the wings. And a friend there. Meh Not the best, but at least your mother has her ‘eyes open’ as they say in terms of other possibilities (though you weren’t exactly impressed with the douchey model type). So maybe that’s a good thing, or at least on the way to a good thing for her? Or maybe it’s completely meaningless.

More soon…

Hey Sammi—

These are some of the subjects that have been banging around in my head since I’ve had a chance to sit down and write.

I’ve heard a theory that dogs think that their ferocious barking is what makes the mailman leave so quickly so they have successfully protected the household. I think it’s partially that and also the fact that they are natural born hooligans looking for a little action to break up the monotony of doggy life.

As I recall, Powell’s manga section kicks Barnes and Nobles’ ass. What I love about Powell’s books is that it’s a great place to wander through the different ‘sections’ of your life and think things/gather inspiration. I have close family friends in Portland and went there during a serious down point in my life and found it inspiring and, at that point therapeutic – sections on writing, film, art, meditation, self help, getting over failed relationships and all that.. Good place to take a break from everyday life and free your mind even if it’s just to wander/browse and not ‘read’ per se.

The reason I asked about the ‘addiction’ thing is that the outbursts are so unrelated/out of proportion to what’s actually going on and seem like more a response to internal body-chemistry issues, which can be alcohol, drugs, etc.. One of the known side effects of testosterone shots, being a hormone, can be an increase in aggressive behavior. That and too much protein combined with weightlifting perhaps… can make you mean… Is he into body building?

My challenge/suggestion is about how your inner strength can extend into the rest of your life, and in this case the added undeserved hurdle (we all have hurdles btw) being you-know-who. I’m just sayin’ because you do have a lot of inner ‘lion’ in terms of your writing and insights and also just ‘strength’ that I have sensed coming from you . And like I said this is a year of big changes and evolution for you. The shyness or awkwardness you describe sometimes going to the mall etc.. is totally normal. Let’s remember you’re 16. Some other things are due to the abusive crap you’ve had to endure. But I can already sense things evolving in you. Cool that you made a new friend. Hope your livestream makeup session went well.

Merry Christmas. I hope it’s a good one. I know it can be in the same category as Thanksgiving in terms of family dynamics.. Let me know how that goes.. You do have a great ability to navigate life things.

-Mitchell

Hi Sammi,
I was busy with work for a couple of days and just tuned in again. I wrote the note below before reading the above- well written! Circling back to past events..

I want you to know that nothing that happened with Anita just now is your fault, just in case it feels that way. I could tell in your video that this situation is painful for you, understandably so since as you said, you look up to Anita and had been keeping a diary of sorts of the things she said. Sometimes things just happen and its hard to (or we may never) know why. A series of unfortunate events or whatever, but so be it. We are all complex beings trying our best.

I know this is all deeply personal for you, and as such it could have felt like an attack on your identity – even though you know that could never be her intention. That said, I will say that again you handled yourself well, explained and advocated for yourself diplomatically through a stressful situation.

I sense things evolving for you since when we first started communicating, and again I see your core of inner strength coming through. Despite your home situation, having a hard time getting up and out and all the rest, do you sense things evolving a bit since you first began the thread?

Will respond more to your last post soon.

-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Driftwood.

Dear Anita–
Good to read. First let me say that it lightens my heart since I have been very much enjoying the correspondence with Sammi and the dynamic of your presence and exceptional insights.

Secondly, I’m just delighted to be directly in touch with you!

Thirdly, in case it wasn’t clear above, let me reiterate that it’s completely understandable why you might have thought the things you did; one of the reasons I wrote to Sammi in the first place is that I heard a ‘familiar’ voice in her writing and vocabulary, coming from having the friends I mentioned in my previous post. I knew that as a primarily grown-up site this would not be apparent to everyone. I also felt that her situation could be dire. That and as mentioned I have a 16 year old so I’m in touch with a lot of this age group – problems and all. And so I decided to post.

I am seeing great movement in Sammi’s dealings with what was once a terrifying situation for a young kid and am now hearing some of her strong intellect applied to the emotional ‘issues’ caused by her situation.

This has been a learning experience for me as well. More about that later perhaps..

So let’s all take a deep breath!!!

-Mitchell

Hi Sammi-

Just a quick note since I also have a full weekend.

I’ve re-read the post a few times also and I can only think that she has her own valid reasons. Some or many of them may not be related to you or your situation at all. Makes me a little sad, but so be it.

The ‘voice’ that shines through all your write is strictly your own, and yes, that of a 15-16 year old (unless you are the world’s greatest transformative, chameleon-like imitative performance artist and are actually a 65 year old taxi driver wearing a latex teenage girl suit in which case – bravo!)

Seriously though, like I said one of the reasons I wrote in the very beginning is that you were a young person on a grown-uppy site and I happen to be tuned in to your age group. You’re a kid who has had to deal with too many grown up issues before your time.

Your communications skills are exceptional for any age (more on that later) as are your insights. That is not where the fallout has been from the abuse. From what you’ve described the fallout has been in your inner feelings of self worth or whether you ‘belong’ here (eggshells). And those are some of the things we’ve been talking about (and will continue to talk about if you want).

Completely understandable why you would feel like painting when you’re away from home since you are out of your ‘rut’ or toxic environment. I always get creative when I’m traveling and far away from all my worries.

Have fun with your hair pix.

-Mitchell

Hi Sammi-

Very cool about all the hair aesthetics and antics – like waking art. Going natural instead of going bald is a good idea, though.

Skipping back to our last posts, what I had wanted to add about the painting was that I liked the composition and saw the middle as an energy field between the two figures. Also the eye is constantly searching, going back and forth between the two figures through and around the energy field. It never really rests, on a visual search for meaning. This is an accomplishment compositionally, since keeping the eye engaged is what it’s all about.

In some spiritual books I have heard the transformation of a person’s energy fields just after death described as looking something like a ball of steel wool.

Okay, so this kind of relates to something I wrote on nov. 16th when I asked if you felt like you absorbed people’s energy in a shopping mall. I’ve always been extremely sensitive and as a kid I remember getting bad stomach aches in malls and feeling the energy of the crowds kind of infiltrating me after a while. This still happens sometimes in a minor way. I then read years later that this was a natural thing for a certain kind of sensitive person, and that this was why kids got stomach aches and cranky in malls. That being naturally empathetic you tend to take in the energy of others.. You kind of absorb all this static and it has nowhere to go.

Relating this to meditation, but more specifically to some yoga breathing exercises, there is a practice called circulating energy, a way to simply circulate your energy during breathing exercises that releases that static energy you might have ‘absorbed’ at the mall or wherever. I have used this technique for that and also for really hard emotional times, of which I’ve had many. Often during relationship problems or times where I’ve experienced abuse. It’s simply a release, a place for the bad energy to go before it starts to get more internalized.

Very simply (and badly described here) as you breathe in you visualize light/energy coming in through the top of your head (crown chakra) and as you exhale you feel it going out through the base of your belly. Not as touchy-feely as it sounds, it actually works. I have done this in crowds and high pressure situations. It takes a little while to get in touch with the concept of ‘energy’ but it does work.

This is usually a part of meditation that I do sometimes, but not enough. None of the above is nearly as complicated as it sounds, and nothing in it is ever done to perfection anyway.. It’s just a process. You can google circulating energy and start the eternal search of separating the nonsense from the meaningful stuff. A basic yoga book would also have it.

Now back to the ‘ape’ energy you have to deal with at home, with a small story first. Some years ago I decided to learn to dance the argentine tango. I had never danced before, but it literally called to me, and I got very into it. My first teacher, Rosa was small and cute but actually very strict and a powerhouse of a dancer. As she taught me the first steps she got pissed (Rosa often got pissed and expressed herself with great passion) and said to me ‘You’re walking on eggshells!!!’ I was like ‘What?” ‘You’re walking on eggshells like you don’t even have the right to be there.’

The old argentine tango that I was learning isn’t like that creepy puppet on a stick stuff you see on dance shows, but is really about ‘walking’ a certain way. It was what the working classes in Argentina did on Saturday nights.

It was true that I was being very tentative the way I put my foot down. I thought I was just doing it out of respect for the dance, but on further observation, I realized that I was really doing it in life as well. Like I didn’t have the right to be there, to take up space in the universe. Rosa observed something I was doing in the dance that was related to the way I was in life.

As you can see I’m relating this to your sense of wanting to sink into the floor or disappear in the presence of the ape energy you’ve been forced to live with. So I think it would be an interesting exercise to compare how you feel as you walk through the house when he’s not there, to how you walk through when he’s there. Compare the two feelings… knowing that you have the right to be there, more right than he does, in fact. See what it feels like to take a few steps into the room with that knowledge/confidence that you have when you’re out and about with friends. Do you have any less right to feel that way inside yourself with him there? Does he have any right to take that away from you? To be continued..

Have a creative day!

-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Driftwood.