December 11, 2016 at 10:43 am #122446
Her expressions are congruent with an adult who has been out and about in the world, as an adult, for many years:
“Change is scary, though well-needed. .. As far as childhood goes – to me, it ended very long ago. The magical, innocent feeling we all know is not something I’ve felt for quite some time… Oh dear, I rambled a bit.. Writing bland prompt after bland prompt for years has made it more of a chore… I don’t want him (her bio father) to witness me in my jaded and somber state…I really want a little handy dandy notebook, just so all of the information wouldn’t be lost in the gaping black hole of technology…I’m a bit discouraged by the thought of meeting new people, just because I find myself too busy reflecting on my plethora of past crash-and-burn friendships, and how I really don’t want to add another hollow shell of a friendship to the pile…”
“I was looking back on some of my favorite pieces, and apparently the piece I thought was from a “few months ago” was actually done in October, last year…(It is older people imagining last year as only a few months ago, isn’t it?)” – yes, I believe so.
“Everything passes by so fast, (for a teenager in her room 23/24 hours per day?)…” The sense of time for a child, and especially a child/ teenager in her room so long, is that time is endless, not-moving. This is why enduring an abusive situation while seeing it as hopeless as it is- is not an option for a child. Enduring it for what seems forever is impossible. This is why the child makes-believe the adults in her life are changeable, and there is hope, if only she was a.. good enough girl.
anitaDecember 11, 2016 at 11:17 am #122447
The OP's many graceful replies to members replying to her thread indicate sophistication characteristic of an adult. A teenage can be graceful as well, but the character in this Fiction could not have observed this at home:
“Thank you for taking the time to read and respond thoughtfully! .. Thank you (me) for your sympathy and support, I truly appreciate it… Thank you for the suggestions. I really do appreciate any opinions on the situation… Thank you… You made some very great points, that I haven’t even considered before…it’s still kind of you to go through all of the trouble to give me hearty advice…Kindness like that is rare, these days…”
For the greatest duration of this thread, I didn't pay attention to details and attended to parts of the threads in isolation. What alarmed me first was when the character wrote that she communicated to an ex boyfriend online that she found “someone better”. When I commented to her that it was rude to tell him so, she retroactively deleted the word “better”. The retroactive deleting (adding to and/or re-arranging) a previous account continued when she wrote to me that she finds hugs a good medicine to shame. When I asked her about the shame, she retroactively deleted it by writing: “as for the hug part, I didn’t mean to actually refer to the emotion of shame, but just to simply state that hugs are a lot more powerful than medicine.”
I am familiar with such retroactive re-arranging of accounts. It is a dishonest practice.
I posted 7 posts today, and didn't check if anyone else, perhaps the OP, posted in between my posts. I am expecting, if the OP does respond, that she (or he) will retroactively re-arrange accounts previously written. I will not reply to such re-arrangements.
Summary: the photo, the girl in the photo and in the video… it greatly saddens me. I would have wanted to hear her voice, to read her words; to help her. Unfortunately I have no access to her.
anitaDecember 11, 2016 at 10:37 pm #122490
@Driftwood: I hope your weekend went well, hearing that you were pretty occupied.
Raaah, I'm tired. Not much of a response is coming to mind, currently. I really shouldn't be trying to form replies when I'm completely emotionally drained, but I like to respond as often as possible, for the simple sake of politeness. Why ignore someone if they're only trying to help?
Ah – eggshells. During this weekend, my friend's grandma (she temporarily lives with her grandparents, due to a divorce) kept insisting I eat constantly, and with their household, around the TV. It felt painfully uncomfortable for multiple reasons. For one, I never eat other people's cooking besides my mothers. Secondly, I never eat in the same room as anyone else, unless it's something quick at the mall. To be so welcomed into a household was completely strange to me. I actually ate 3 meals, in one day. Granted, I felt like garbage afterwards. But it was strange to have someone always in the kitchen, preparing the next meal. (I'm used to fending for myself until when mom makes dinner, so that ends up being the only meal I eat, because it's the only thing I'm forced to eat. Maybe “forced” is too harsh of a word.)
But the entire time, I felt like nothing but a waste of time, effort and food. They didn't make me feel like such, but I felt it anyways. It's an unshakable feeling. I couldn't help but do an awkward bow, synced with a quiet “thaaanks..”, after every meal. Also, thanks for pointing out the lack of self worth as fallout, because I have a decently difficult time identifying what is, and what isn't.
(And as much as I wish I was a 65 year old male taxi driver, though that'd probably equally or more miserable, or in any other life than my own, I am not. Sorry, if I seem to have come off as such. Actually, I still don't fully know how to drive a car.)
I've filmed a video, in response to most everything you've said. Only in hopes that repeating myself for 30 minutes on camera would make me seem a little more believable. I didn't edit out the parts of me reading your later posts, but that's because I didn't want it to seem fake. (Also, the watermark at the beginning and end are from converting the video file to a lower quality type of file, because my PC likes to film in the .mp4 format, which made the file 1.8GB, which made it exceed the SendVid limit.)
As for the notable difference in speech – in my typing compared to my talking – I don't really think of things before I say them, whereas I can think before I type. It makes for a difference, because I can make alterations to my vocabulary before I post. (I mention that briefly in the video). It should also be apparent that I'm a total introvert, and so it's harder for me to successfully get my point across offline, rather than online. I'm really not quite used to talking alone in my room, unless it's during a Skype call.
The more I think about it, the more guilty I feel, though I have no reason to feel as such. It's like when a cop drives by, you're wearing your seat belt, but feel on edge anyways?
A little more to mention to post #5 – my mother is constantly complaining to me about her adult problems, so then her adult problems become my adult problems. Well, I don't actively worry about them, but that doesn't mean they aren't in the back of my head. So I constantly get to hear about her late paychecks, the utility bills rising, the rent rising and the garbage apartment managers.
I should also mention, in addition to being homeschooled, I've always been friends with the older crowds. And even when I went to public school, I always befriended the teachers, more than most of the students. Or freakishly mature people my age, mostly online. (And I always know they're my age, thanks to Skype. I don't have a problem talking to older people, at all, until they hide their age.) I don't wanna whine on about “wah, wah, I'm truly mature for my age!!”, but I am.
Lastly, around the end of the video, I beg you for more ways to prove it, but in the 4 hours it's taken to film, convert that video, and type this up, I've come to a conclusion. A conclusion I've mentioned before, but didn't quite settle on, mentally.
Believe what you want. I'm tired. I really don't feel like bending over backwards just over the fight of my existence, so I'm not going to. Take this, or leave it. I know who I am, my friends/s.o. know who I am, and that's all that should matter to me. This was stressing me out all day whilst shopping, even though it shouldn't.
But, I'm impressed by your creativity. Have you witnessed something similar on here before?
My apologies for handling this so immaturely, recently. Again, I'm just in a little bit of shock.
I'm gonna go edit the new canon pics now, finally. Goodnight.December 11, 2016 at 11:32 pm #122493
I haven't really gone through all the posts or videos in details, analyzed that much but I can say one thing for sure – you are in difficult situation at home and you are doing your best to handle it.
You write well and I understand what you mean by editing. That is something we can't do in live interactions and being verbose happens with lot of practise.
So please don't feel too bad about what happened here. You are who you are and need to take all the help, positive insight you can get.
Do write more – perhaps on a creative basis. These skills will help in further studies too.
Two movies that really inspired me – one was Homeless to Harvard and of course The Dark Knight Rises (well mainly the scene of the climb).
I hope you find the courage to keep going – you are a bright and talented girl. You can go places if you believe in your abilities more, face your fears. Your whole life isn't this room and this house you live in – it will change within a few years only. I hope you are able to see that and work towards it.
NinaDecember 12, 2016 at 11:15 am #122523
I have read everything up to this point, and want to weigh in on a few things. Writing to Sammi has been important to me because as I have already explained, I have felt that I could help the situation. Anita has also offered her excellent insights. It takes effort, good will and a bit of investment to reach out to someone in this way so of course the idea that it could be a ‘hoax’ would be very violating.
So here are a few of my insights into this situation:
Linguistics – or perhaps we should call it cultural linguistics:
I too had noticed and unusual usage of language on the part of Sammi. In addition to just having naturally excellent communication skills beyond her years, and now (since the video) I further understand that Sammi also has language coming from a few different sources/influences – online communication, gaming, british youtube, older people she corresponds with and such. So a slightly eclectic use of language or embellishment in her language is understandable to me- especially since online there is a lot more exposure to different cultures. Yes, I’ve seen some inconsistencies in the correspondence here and there, a few things I wondered about, but I had put that in the context of writing in quantity, being 15-16, and not always keeping track of what was said.
I have known several people in this age group with slightly similar situations – one in an emotionally/psychologically unhealthy but intellectually brilliant household, one with a mother with a violent boyfriend, one who had to come to this country and support his family back home at the age of 16. All three of them had language usage above and beyond their years. Two of them were ‘parenticized’ because of the family dysfunction meaning they took on emotional responsibilities beyond their years.
One of them had to be the emotional head of the household charging herself at an early age with getting rid of her mother’s bad boyfriends because her own mother was unable to defend herself. One of them went on to be an artist on NYC’s lower east side, but was unable to resolve the early family issues. One of them has resolved things and has become one of my close friends.
So none of this either situationally or linguistically is unfamiliar to me, unconventional though it may be.
There have been one or two times I have noticed a ‘disconnect’ in the communication between Sammi and Anita, mainly the the ‘hug vs shame’ correspondence which was a big question mark for me. I have to say I did not understand what was going on there. If there was a retroactive correction and I read it after this, then that makes sense. Either way I was mystified. Also, I did notice some inconsistency in story, but again I chalked that up to being human.
I am wondering if the disconnect could partially be a question of linguistics and culture – especially since Sammi’s ‘culture’ is also taking place online and so the few british-isms do seem out of place..
Anita – you mentioned you have been here 30 years. I’m not sure where you’re from originally but is it possible there is a slight disconnect simply on a more subtle language usage level??
That said, Anita's reaction is understandable to me.
I will say this – as a freelance video producer who sees people on camera all the time – the girl we know as Sammi and the one on camera seem to be one and the same!!
I do have a few questions:
Sammi – why does your name appear as Sammi Sakura? Who is Nina Sakura?
Relation between the two?
Is there someone else involved in this correspondence?
Bottom line is we are all humans with feelings here, and it would be good to resolve this.
I'm concerned for all.
-MitchellDecember 12, 2016 at 11:34 am #122525
* Dear Mitchell: your post above is very helpful to me, thank you. I will be hearing the video next but having watched parts of it already (not having audio), I agree with your assessment that ” the girl we know as Sammi and the one on camera seem to be one and the same!!” I was wrong concluding that the OP and the girl in the photo and video are not the same. I will be studying the videos, going over all I can, including re-reading and considering points in your post above, and come back with new learning, I hope to suggest. Obviously, I've been missing something/s significant here.
anitaDecember 12, 2016 at 12:54 pm #122537
Good to read. First let me say that it lightens my heart since I have been very much enjoying the correspondence with Sammi and the dynamic of your presence and exceptional insights.
Secondly, I’m just delighted to be directly in touch with you!
Thirdly, in case it wasn’t clear above, let me reiterate that it’s completely understandable why you might have thought the things you did; one of the reasons I wrote to Sammi in the first place is that I heard a ‘familiar’ voice in her writing and vocabulary, coming from having the friends I mentioned in my previous post. I knew that as a primarily grown-up site this would not be apparent to everyone. I also felt that her situation could be dire. That and as mentioned I have a 16 year old so I’m in touch with a lot of this age group – problems and all. And so I decided to post.
I am seeing great movement in Sammi’s dealings with what was once a terrifying situation for a young kid and am now hearing some of her strong intellect applied to the emotional ‘issues’ caused by her situation.
This has been a learning experience for me as well. More about that later perhaps..
So let’s all take a deep breath!!!
-MitchellDecember 12, 2016 at 1:52 pm #122539
I am indeed another user who regularly posts here on few topics here and there. Usually I read through such posts and remain silent as I have no experience or insight in these kind of cases. However, I felt that Sammis case was authentic though i was rather baffled by the quality of her writing.
Anita and I have interacted here before. I respect her opinion and contribution here immensely though our views can be divergent once in a while. I hope that clears up any confusion 🙂
PS – Nina Sakura is the name of an anime charecter from “Ultra Maniac”.December 12, 2016 at 4:51 pm #122546
Cool. Thanks. I had seen your name before and also have seen the character, and just wondered if there was a Sakura connection in light of Anita's questions.
-MitchellDecember 12, 2016 at 5:30 pm #122547
Oh gosh, a lotta posting has been going on since I last checked here..
@nina: Hi! I completely understand, I really don't expect you to read through 120+ posts.
And thank you – maybe I'll get back into creative writing. And I'll be sure to check out the movies you've mentioned. (Though I have seen Dark Knight Rises, I don't remember anything that happened in it, besides batman being cool for a few hours.)
I know something else lies past my room, and I really can't wait to find it. Only a bit longer, now.
@Driftwood: Thank you for doing all the helpful explaining that I always have trouble with.
I've had no communications with Nina outside of this forum, (but she sounds like a cool lady). I chose Sammi Sakura as my username because it's been my online alias for a while, now. (Yes, that means that Sammi isn't my real name. This doesn't change who I am, of course.) Sammi is just a name I grew fondly to within the past 5ish years (it started off as Sam, due to the tomboy phase..), and started introducing myself as such. Even my close friends call me Sammi.
As for the Sakura part, this comes from when I started my unhealthy obsession with Japan. I submerged myself into the culture for 2-3 years. And there's quite a few cherry blossoms here in Portland, and I always thought those were pretty. So, y'know Sakura. Plus I really like alliteration. So I couldn't resist giving myself an alliterative alias.
Hopefully that clears it up?
(Apologies that I don't actually use my real name, but it's just a small safety measure that I've always used. Especially when I'm revealing so much, personally.)
@anita: Thank you.
I'm glad that you've come to that conclusion, as I do truly look up to you and your work on here. No bad blood, alright?
I do see my inconsistencies, but I can only explain it as writing from both of my extremes. Obviously, I have anxiety (as most people nowadays), and so there's times when I go through worst case scenarios in my head. Those are the times I find myself scared to be around him. But as of lately, I've been mentally debunking the worst case scenarios, and peeking behind the stage curtains. I can see past his tricks. “Good person, bad situation”. And as Driftwood has verified, I am, in fact, only human. (A human that has a very hard time explaining themselves.)
And for my corrections, I understand. I don't remember exactly what I told my ex boyfriend when we broke up. I truly don't. I wish I did. I might've said I found someone better, I might have not. I understand how hurtful that comes across, though. I'm still paying the price of getting his hopes up. Guilt still consumes me daily, but I still feel like I made the right choice.
And as for the “hugs put medicine to shame”, I don't know what's happening there. I'm not sure if the context is coming off right. But I don't think it's worth really looking into too deep, because all I mean is that I prefer hugs over medicine. A hug is more likely to cheer me up over antidepressants (not that I've ever tried any, because I don't have any interest in relying on medication like that).
I don't have much to say here, besides the fact that I'm still very tired. I accidentally deleted one entire set of photos before I could import any of them to my computer. If only kicking yourself was actually possible.December 12, 2016 at 7:18 pm #122560
Dear Sammi/ Driftwood, and Nina:
I was able to watch the video without volume for a while. When I had speakers connected so that I could hear, what followed was a “critical alert” regarding my computer having been infected with a virus. When I called the number provided, what followed was an internet scam- I was to pay $349 or else my computer will infect many other computers and I will not be able to go online again because my personal internet ID was compromised. This was my first internet scam! Following the hours it took to get my computer to function again, I am very wary of clicking the link again, or any links. I am so NOT going to open links again.
And so, I was not able to hear a single word Sammi said in the video.
At the end of Post #7 I expressed concern for the girl in the photo, imagining she didn't know someone was posting in her name. I was wrong: the girl (Sammi) is not a victim of a twisted wanna-be best seller author. What a relief!
Thank you Mitchell for your kind words. I appreciate your notes to me. Thank you Nina for your note. I wish you the best, Sammi.
What a thread this has been! I am exhausted. Best to all of you. I am so, so very tired.
December 12, 2016 at 10:30 pm #122578
- This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by anita.
@anita: Oh lord, I'm very sorry to hear that you had to go through that virus fiasco. I've ruined many laptops due to such, so props to you for getting your computer back up and running.
Best to you too, Anita.
(God, I accidentally mentioned the wrong Nina in the in my last post. My bad.)December 13, 2016 at 8:18 am #122597
Ugh, this sounds like such a hard situation. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I grew up with an abusive dad myself and it's completely negatively affected my life, my relationships, my self-esteem, etc. I was not nearly as insightful as you seem to be at your age. And I could at least get out of the house to go to school and go to friends' houses, etc.
I'm worried that you're cooped up with this person for so much of your life. I'm worried that his abuse will rub off on you and damage you in the long run.
You speak of being scared a lot when people suggest things you can do to get you of the house or get more effective help. I'd like to encourage you to do some of those things even though they are scary. Life is really all about doing scary things, and the more you face your fears, the less scared you'll be. I think it would help you in the long run to take a deep breath and get out of the house more, even if just to take a walk in nature or something. I know it's hard when you're a teen to make certain decisions (like finding another therapist) because you're not financially independent, but getting out into the world and at least exploring different ways of being could be helpful to you for your whole life, not just in your current situation.
I hope you have friends you can have fun with, so at least your whole life isn't taken up by fear.
Good luck and stay safe!December 13, 2016 at 7:08 pm #122652
@rose-tattoo: Thank you for taking the time to post!
I'm sorry to hear that you've had to go through something similar. It's definitely not any fun.
I'll try to be a little more open with the idea of going out more. There's a mall across the street from the apartments, so maybe I'll go over there, with a sketchbook, sometime. Well, if I can get up before 4pm. Hopefully next year is a little brighter, when I can spend 7 hours a day outside of the apartment, at school.
Usually, I say my worst bouts of depression are in summer, but the recent drops in temperature have been freakishly debilitating. I've been oversleeping like crazy. It's too cold to get out of bed, but every time I turn my electric blanket back on, (it turns back off every 8 hrs) I get sleepy again. Not to mention, I have nowhere important to be.
I never really get out of bed and take photos anymore, cause I feel like there's no point. It's not worth the discomfort of freezing my bum off. But on the other side, I'm seeing both my quality in both art and photography going down the toilet.
Can't use my room heater; it's placed in the worst place, to where however I can place my mattress, it's up against the heater. Catching on fire doesn't sound like fun. Can't buy a space heater, either.
Winter'll pass sooner or later.December 15, 2016 at 2:33 am #122761
I've spent more than an hour out of my room today. This was not purposeful, though. While we were out at my old Jr. high, walking our dogs, there was a snow storm just picking up. The school is about 10 minutes away from where we live now. We hit the freeway, and got stuck there for 3 entire hours. I was forced to listen to nothing but the repeating local news stories on the radio, and my mother humming the same Christmas song for the entirety of the 3 hours, while slowly starting to become more and more hungry from (accidentally) not eating for 24 hours. Her phone died, so she also played on her noisy gps, and changed the house address on there, for the first time in 6 years. (We've moved 4 times since then, actually.)
I'm home now, though. We got one of the furthest parking spots at the parking lot, so it was a lengthy walk in the snow to our apartment. Just as we're coming up to our apartment, I can make out a familiar, irritating silhouette, through my fogged-up glasses.
He's standing there, in shorts. He set himself up for failure, much like how he insist that mother has done to me. I can feel myself grumbling every swear word in the book as I have no other option but to walk towards him, with my mom just behind me. He states that he came out to find her. How sweet.
For the rest of the way, I walk as far ahead from them as my dog allows me to. It's uncomfortable, because he, her boyfriend, purposely slows down behind me. At one point, I tug the dogs leash too hard, and it slides off his neck. I grit my teeth, storm to the door (no pun intended), and fight with the door knob.
He locked the door, before taking his heroic two steps outside. This meant I had to stare at my phone for a few minutes, while waiting for them to catch up, so he could unlock the door. He finally does, and I wait for mother to go inside first, so I can have that little extra bit of space away from him.
Later, in my room, I hear him telling his absolutely heart-warming story. It basically went something like “well, I wasn't getting any response from you, and I didn't know if she had my number, so I figure I would go out and look for you“.
I just feel like he's acting all high and mighty about nothing. Even if he did manage to get to his car, he wouldn't have had a clue where we were located, and would've gotten stuck in traffic. Then, after two minutes of waiting and swearing, he'd drive back home.
Also, my friend's single dad has been freakishly nice to mother and I. Like, he's given me $200 USD within the past month, and he comments on everything her and I post on facebook. I've asked mom on her thoughts, and she said he's “too nice“. It's repulsive to think she actively searches for someone who treats us both like garbage.
Anyways, that was my little ramble on today. Nothing special happened, but I just felt like venting.