February 13, 2017 at 2:31 am #127303
@Driftwood: Pardon my late reply, again. Had a friend over. And I ran all across town with another friend, yesterday. More on that later.
With the future visit/vacation, I already feel like I'm going to go into it negatively. What goes up, must come down. The vacation will start, but it will also end. I also feel like I'll be too deep into my self-conscious thoughts to actually enjoy the experience. If I smile, I'll be worried about how yellow my teeth are. If we converse, I'll be worried about how much eye contact is too much eye contact (and which eye I should look at). I'm also worrying that my anxiety is going to go overboard, and I'll be a shaky mess for the entire trip. But I still anticipate it, because I know there's memories to be made. Plus, it'll be something out of the norm. A little reminder that I'm not just stuck in a perpetual loop of misery.
How would I see myself living without anxiety? Fearless. (Was that a pun? That felt like a pun.) I want to be able to keep a conversation going, instead of being a brick wall. And I want to be able to hold confidence in myself, along with my artwork. Really, I just want to be able to value myself as a human being, instead of a waste of space. Instead of “how can I make [task] more convenient for [someone else]?”, I want to be thinking “how can I make [task] more convenient for me?”. I don't want to spend my entire life putting off my rights as a human for the satisfaction of others. (But I don't think any teenager, even I, has any right to talk about “the rest of their life”, since they usually make it over-dramatic; only basing it off of the short amount of living experience they've had.)
Time ticks, and the seemingly regrettable choice of the charter school looms over me. But I'm hoping it'll do as much good as you say it will. It's become obvious to me now that online school does a lot more harm than good for me. (And that I never actually care for doing artwork during school hours, anyways, which was my initial reasoning for switching to online school.)
Baby steps in counseling. I'm having a hard time mentioning anything serious, because it makes me feel degraded, somehow. Maybe degraded is the wrong word, but it makes me feel more like a patient. Less like her and I are on the same level, and more like she has to poke me with a stick from a 20 foot distance, whilst in a biohazard suit. But there is progress.
I never realized I haven't mentioned the repetitive sleepover tremors to her. It never dawned on me because most everyone I know usually gets to hear my nagging about it. Her and I tried to do some troubleshooting on the subject, with no results. She only suggested doing what I've been doing, which is loading up on sleeping/allergy pills. Whatever works, I suppose. I'm hoping that next time, I'll jump into the subject of compulsive picking, in hopes that we can look for a solution together.
Finally finished that commission painting. (Did I mention my friend commissioned me? He did. Here it is. https://s22.postimg.org/s0cda22tr/17_02_11_12_20_39_082_deco.jpg ) We were planning to go out to a café, only to realize that my mom dropped me off at 3:59pm, and the place closed at 4. He brought his cousin, and I brought along my friend who decided to come over the night before. His cousin is a careless, stoned bastard, but also the only one who kind of knows his way around the town. Long story short, (I'm on hour 3 of writing this post) we get stuck outside of his cousin's dealer's apartment, then in a foresty area (where he takes a leak), and then at a store (where he loads up on energy drinks), and then a viewpoint (where he smokes cigarette after cigarette). Phone says we walked 8 miles in total, but my legs are short, so it was probably 6. And I'm certain that 4 miles of it was uphill. Anyways, at least I got out. And I got 10 extra dollars, to add to my savings. Plus, my friend's father now wants me to paint something simple, for $40.
(Here's a random bonus doodle. Hopefully you're alright with suicide jokes. https://s21.postimg.org/dnn8liio7/17_01_31_22_05_18_358_deco.jpg )February 20, 2017 at 9:56 pm #128607
Hey there Sammi-
I’ve been thinking about your last post but unable to reply because I’m crazy busy prepping and traveling for an upcoming job.
My overall comment about all that you just said, is, very cool.
Why cool, of all things, you might ask? Because I think you are really starting to get to the root of things, and you’re expressing them very simply and clearly. You are frustrated with things the way they are and confronting them head-on. Becoming not only aware of them (which you were before) but also looking for ways to bust through some of these blockages.
Nervous about the upcoming visit? Worried you’ll look at the wrong eye and turn yourself, or him into a frog? Very normal. You should hear my 40+ year old female friends talk about online dating. Sounds similar. There was an older man who lived around the block from me. I remember him from childhood. Never really knew him, just would see him walking his dog and he would say hello, starting when I was a very little kid. Was the 'round the block' and Halloween kind of acquaintance of childhood. When his wife died, he eventually started dating. One day I heard him talking to someone about it and guess what? I remember being so surprised that this figure from my early childhood sounded like a teenage girl. So you see, that stuff might seem really acute because you’re a teenager, but it never really goes away (just becomes less seemingly a matter of life and death). In short, don’t worry about worrying about it. It’s normal.
You liken the upcoming to the experience you had in Hawaii where you were too caught up in your own internal world to enjoy the outside world. You are acutely aware of this, and don’t want to repeat that experience. So don’t . If you were to work on figuring out the ways of not letting that happen this time.. what would some of those ways be? You have already gotten to the first step- which is awareness.
Charter school seems scary right now. Change is scary. But what’s the alternative? I do think you’ll benefit from the challenge and the external stimulation. Otherwise you’ll continue to be in the same loop, internalizing things. Not saying it will be super easy but at least there will be some outside stimulation going on.
Building your personal confidence is a slow and steady type process. And ongoing. All of these things are ongoing. Believe it or not, sometimes I still have to remind myself that I’m extremely competent and valued at what I do. You have to remember to be nice to yourself in the process. Accept yourself for who you are and start thinking about how to change things you think need improvement.
To start on this road, I do feel like you need to add some discipline into your daily routine. Do some small things regularly. These could be things that have to do with your own well-being or just things that need to happen. Whether it’s washing and folding your laundry, vacuuming under the bed (yikes!), dealing with the dogs, learning photoshop, adding consistency to your homework/study schedule An ongoing list of small things will build toward something over time. And most importantly – make this an exercise to begin the habit of giving yourself credit whether it’s for cleaning the hair out of the drain or folding socks, give yourself the credit for having done the consistent thing you didn’t really feel like doing but did.. Yes, it feels stupid at first. Start now and get used to it. Make it a habit.
I’m not necessarily talking about the art /creative side of things, but the day to day small things , and remembering to give yourself some credit. Sounds lame, perhaps, but tell yourself that you did a good job on whatever it is you did.
Combining this with little jaunts out of your ‘comfort zone’ and into the world of cafes, bookstores or whatever is also important. Start weaning yourself from the comfort zone/trap, and get slightly uncomfortable. And you’ll see you will start to get more comfortable in the discomfort zone. We are very adaptable creatures.
Finding small seemingly insignificant ways to build something up for yourself will do a lo more than you might think. Trust me on this deal. (The head of the lifeguards in my town who deals with 17y/o – college age kids has a tee shirt that says ‘I’m old and grey, just do what I say’. So yeah…)
All of the above are really good things, Sammi.
As for the counseling, what you say is ironic because if you really were a peer of the counselor, you would probably want to ‘get your money’s worth’ and tell her all your problems and have her help you. Baby steps are fine, but the sooner you start confronting these things and bringing them out into the open, the less imposing they will start to become.
The commissioned piece is cool. The suicide joke…hmm… Oh yeah- and why does the counselor recommend sleeping pills? Sounds iffy to me… Why not a natural sleep remedy like melatonin?
Will read your response from the road…February 22, 2017 at 2:56 am #128805
@Driftwood: Hey again. Glad you're keeping busy.
I've been doing much of the opposite. “Busy” is a word I only ever use as a lie, anymore. My schedule has been getting up at 10am, watching youtube from then until 4pm, skyping the s.o., more youtube, and then sleeping. I really need to be a bit more disciplined, as you state, but I just have certain habits that help me arrange my “schedule” around the household a bit better. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have an extremely hard time dealing with school before/when her boyfriend comes home. It fills me with self-doubt, and makes me lose my focus. I don't do school work in the evening, because of the routine skype call my s.o. and I are used to. It's usually 10pm after that, and by then I don't want to do anything but either draw, or sleep. So, this leaves no time for anything remotely productive. But I'm usually pretty optimistic in the mornings, which could make it easy to get some cleaning in. (Random side note, but my “bed” consists of a mattress on the floor. It's a long story.) And for school, I'll probably catch up on at one point, when I get the time. I hope.
As far as trying to make the most of the visit; I don't know. The only thing I can think of is to make the most out of the time I'll have away from everything (as vague and obvious as that is). For example, sure, maybe I'll embarass myself by trembling like a small dog, but at least it isn't a household-drama-induced tremor. I'm also planning to log all of our activities in my journal, so I can always look back on it when I'm back home. I might even bring the Canon, to have more visual memories of it. It'd especially help because taking photos always boosts my mood, since I never really get to be behind my own camera. I'm sure more ideas will come up, since it's gonna be a while until then.
Not sure – she asked what I'm doing currently to help with the tremors, and I told her about my hoard of sleeping/allergy pills (more or less), and she deemed that as fine. I've always wanted to get into aromatherapy/tea, though. I saw a youtuber review these drug-free aromatherapy vape things, and they were pretty cool. They had a mix/blend of certain aromas for every mood. Of course it's 18+, though (for the simple reason that youngins shouldn't be smoking anything, which is fair). Doesn't mean I can't go out and load up on more incense, though. And tea. The only problem is that going to the local herbal/health store thing is a bit of a pain in the bum because everything is a bit expensive, and trying to get my mother to go is inconvenient. Plus, vermilion tea (which someone told me helps with sleep) is hard to find. The closest thing I've found has vermillion in it, amongst other things. It's a sleep-themed mix, but it tastes like some awful perfume. I would just get lavender incense again, but the smell grosses me out. It's always something.
Sudden realization. I don't think I like using the term “boyfriend”, because it makes me think of my mother's poor choices in partners. Wish I made that connection sooner.
I set out to write this post within 30 minutes, but it's taken me nearly 2 hours instead. I'm very bad at time management, by the way. (Also, there's, presumably drunk, people yelling outside. It's nearly 3am. Wish me luck sleeping.)February 22, 2017 at 7:31 pm #128913
Very quick thoughts from the road because I’ll be tied up after that for several days:
The reason for the discipline I”m talking about is so that you are building something for yourself with consistency.
The ‘routine’ you describe needs to be broken up or rather rearranged somehow so that you can get something done. I understand that the reflex of self protection (in the household) has made you do some ‘workarounds’ in terms of when you do certain things, but in the end it’s doing you a disservice and perpetuating the state of nothingness/depression.
So how/what can you introduce that will change things up a bit using discipline? You have this schoolwork that you have to get to so maybe that’s what you should do in the early ‘optimistic’ hours when your positive energy is good- that would be a good time to start this ‘building’, which in turn will perpetuate the positivity. I know you don't have the habit, and I know schoolwork is a drag, but ditch one of your youtube sessions and let yourself do something constructive. You need some kind of feeling of movement and success, even on a tiny scale. Why not move your skyping to later in the day or better yet the evening when there’s nothing else that needs to be done and make it more of a personal reward rather than part of procrastinating?
All these little things make up the bigger picture (school, accomplishment) and that’s the only thing that’s truly going to bust you out of there. Schoolwork is sometimes just a means to an end, but it’s important and you certainly have the brainpower to do this..
As for the possible trip – no need to over analyze it. It should just be fun. Don’t worry too much. And getting away is very important for you to start feeling ‘yourself’. Definitely bring the Canon – trust me, I know what you mean about feeling better behind the camera, it keeps me going at times.
I think you are striving for natural ‘holistic’ answers to some of your problems, and that is good. All of that stuff is very important. Aromatherapy, mindfulness/meditation, teas, all things I do to keep it together sometimes too. Do you mean valerian root tea? Also Vervaine, or just plain camomile, or Sleepy Time tea that’s easy to find in the supermarket.
You are lining up the problems, and lining up the solutions, and this is an important step in becoming active about these things… so give yourself some credit, and try and think what solutions might be doable.February 25, 2017 at 1:20 am #129299
@Driftwood: Hey. Hope work goes smoothly for you. I'm falling asleep while typing, but I'm gonna try and tape my lids open for long enough to write back.
I'll try to take care of schoolwork when I get up. I just feel so extremely discouraged for these last few months, since next school year will be something completely new, and fresh. It's like wanting to skip finishing dinner, to jump to the dessert.
I definitely want to live an overall healthier life when I can move out. It's one of the few things I watch on youtube, ironically; how people change their diet and lifestyle for the better. I think a lot of both my physical and mental health has to do with my diet of only fast food and candy, and my exercise, which consists of sitting up in bed every now and then. And yes, I meant valerian root tea. Meant to do some spellcheck, but I was sleepy, and sleepy Sammi forgets easily.
I had something strange happen to me today. Something that only seems to happen every 8/9 years, actually. I met up with my father. He said he had stuff to give me, and I felt bad that I couldn't make plans for tomorrow. So, I had to let him come over for a bit, just to break the ice.
You don't understand how scared I was. I was trembling so bad that I nearly fell down our stairs, outside, infront of everyone. He told me he'd take a while, but didn't give me an exact time, which gave me 4 hours to rock back and forth, in my room.
Thank the good lord, my mother arrived home as I went outside to find my father. Apparently, he walked here. And he brought my 9 year old half brother. I don't remember him saying a word, but he gave me cute doodles of a couple of pokémon. My mother made small talk with him, as my father handed me two pairs of air jordans. He's an oddly kind guy, and suddenly I feel my inner conflict rise. It only gets worse when he hugs me, and tells me not to be a stranger.
I feel lied to. Like I've been hiding myself from nothing, this entire time. A part of me doesn't want any of this to be true, but another part of me says it isn't to late to keep in touch with him regularly. Also, I really wish everyone would stop trying to buy my affection.
(Irrelevant, but I also had some spare money yesterday, and so I walked to the mall by myself. Despite my heart being at a steady 90bpm, I found me a pink, iridescent backpack for next year. I think it was a responsible purchase, if you ask me.)March 27, 2017 at 8:15 pm #142477
Can't believe it's been a month! I was traveling for work and then had a lot of catching up to do.
So in the end, your visit with your father wasn't the worst thing in the world. When you say lied to, by whom? Do you want to share some of the history of this?
I am a BIG believer that diet and exercise play a major role in mental health and clarity. You're pointed in the right direction on that one.
How goes the pursuit of ‘discipline' we posted about oh-so long ago?
-MMarch 28, 2017 at 7:46 am #142547
@driftwood: Hey. Long time, no see. Hopefully you've been putting bread on the table, though. Also, just a disclaimer, it's 7am, and I'm on my bathroom floor, sick (my friend with a “slightly scratchy throat” came over), typing this up on my old, cracked phone. So, excuse any errors.
When I said lied to, it really spans from my mother, to everyone else. I'm sure you know how everyone makes out absent father figures to be terrible people.
I've visited him twice, since then. He'll message me nearly every night at roughly 10pm, til when I go to sleep. With further evaluation, I really don't want to be around him. He's an awful pity party, and nothing is ever his fault. He even went out of his way to blame him leaving on my mother, saying it was her idea to move states, and things got wonky from there. He says that he only stayed here so long cause he couldn't leave without finding me, and hopefully taking me with him to somewhere east. I am, of course, a doormat, but I have my limits.
Also, this entire thing feels like it's out of pity. He treats me like a cancer patient, or an intimidating date (gross, I know), more than anything. To him, I'm this wilting flower to be kept alive, and I obviously suddenly need his help, after 16 years.
Whenever I'm with him, my anxiety goes haywire. I'm usually lost in derealization until I can leave. I just don't feel comfortable around him, because he's so uncomfortable. Last time, I told him I don't eat in the afternoon, and then he insisted I eat repeatedly the entire drive home. (Yes, I actually let him drive me home. He insisted, and prolly wouldn't wait long enough for my mother to pick me up. Also, he chugged an entire glass of beer before this, so I knew I was in safe hands.)
I don't know. He's nice, but it's a uncomfortably fake “how can I win you over?” nice. He bought me an entire outfit to wear to the last time we hung out. I hate when people buy me things, I'm sure we've been over this. He's especially not the richest person in the world (at all, was homeless some few times) .
As for the discipline thing, I really haven't been able to start. This father stuff is only more baggage, which is making me just want to hide under my covers for forever. Though, I did log into school, at one point. Only to really talk to my teacher about our common tastes in music, though. I know, I need to be the one to make the first step towards treating myself better, but it's so hard. Don't think I'm not blaming anyone but myself.
And counseling appointments haven't been about anything but my relationship with my father. And my inability to stand up for myself, for the fear of it backfiring. She even asked me last time how exactly do I stay sane with everything going on. I couldn't form a response.
Alright, my throat's on fire, and my legs are pressing into this plasticy hardwood floor quite hard. Also, would it be more convenient to email you? I dunno. Happy Easter, if you poof for another month. Kidding, of course.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Also, I wanted to treat my scratchy throat friend to a dinner at a mutual favorite restaurant of ours, and then mother brought her waste of space along. He demanded we get two seperate tables, and the restaurant was packed. It made me feel awful, and guilty of not being able to cooperate with someone I live with. He would purposely lag behind me when walking to/fro the car, as if I was an infectious plague. Went out of his way to make indirect jokes about me. While in the car, he said the dogs need to get a job in a year, in this sarcastic tone, which I knew was aimed at me. It killed my appetite at the restaurant. I ended up dry heaving for 30 minutes the next day.</p>April 5, 2017 at 10:51 am #143733
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Greetings-</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Found some cafe time to write. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Well it’s good that you are talking to your counselor about the Dad stuff. I know it’s complicated. I do however think you really need to start some kind of discipline thing happening for yourself, even if it’s just walking the dogs around the block or some other thing that you might not even like to do that will then lead to another thing. Action/movement helps deal with issues, breaks up the solid blocks into smaller more dealable chunks. You are already reading/watching about alternative food choices, so why not take the very very daring step of walking into a health food store somewhere near you.. and just looking around. I remember doing this when I was a teenager and feeling completely isolated in the suburbs and it was kind of a window into my future. And don’t forget your trip to Powell’s books. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Rather than judging the situation with your father, I thought I would describe some things about being the father of a 16 year old girl, which you can take however it does or doesn’t apply.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>While my daughter and I are and always have been very close (I was the primary parent most of the time in the early years) it is still very hard to know where someone who is 16 is at and how to ‘be'. Why? Because you are at once independent in thinking, and also dependent in other ways, at different stages of development in various areas – emotional, intellectual, etc.. and it’s almost impossible for a parent to figure out what position to take on things. Where to impose some discipline, where to step back. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Obviously the situation is different with you, and your father was not much of a presence in your life. So I can see how you would resent the reappearance. And it sounds like his life hasn’t been easy for a variety of reasons. But I am sure that in the mix, he has some regret and is grappling some guilt and trying to figure out how to make things better. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>This is a bumpy process because at once he is trying to understand you and at the same time is intimidated and doesn’t want to say something or make a wrong move that would offend you. Which could be why you get these ‘awkward date’<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>or fake nice feelings as well. He’s trying to grapple with things, and doesn’t want to impose.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I’m not disputing anything you said about him, nor is this a judgement or advice on how you should react – whether the feeling of wanting to get away from him wins out or you have some kind of relationship will be largely your decision, and I can understand it going either way. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>On another note, how do you think your half-brother felt about meeting you? He gave you a drawing. What do you think it might have meant to him, at 9 years old to meet his sister? </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>-M</span></p>April 9, 2017 at 8:33 pm #144333
@Driftwood: Howdy. Quite some weird errors going on with the text coding. This probably isn't the best time to be replying as I'm still teary-eyed and scattered-brained from a recent, irrelevant event. Maybe I'll explain at the end of the post.
One day, I'll discipline myself. Today was another visit to the mall alone, if that counts. Two of them, actually. More on that later. I might stop by the local health store soon. I go in there regularly, after sushi with a friend. I never really have the spare money to buy anything, though. I'm currently having a problem with being dissatisfied with my cheap tea selection at home, but I'm also not willing to pay 10 dollars for a little thing of matcha powder. I'll probably give in eventually, though. I have a hard time spending my spare money on consumables, but it's nearly impossible to get my mother in there more than once a year.
As for my father – rah. We're going through that phase after an awkward date, where you talk to one another less and less. It doesn't help that I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, so it sounds like I'm lying when I have to reject plans. The last I heard from him is he's trying to move up to seattle, and get me to do the “back and forth” custody thing. But not only is Seattle a 3 hour drive from here, but it's pricy. I have no idea what he's thinking. He desperately wants to move out of state, and he wants to take me with. I don't know how to say “no” nicely.
As for my half brother, I don't know if he's comprehending everything. I feel like he's more so of an excuse for my father to guilt me into hanging out with him. He, my half brother, is mostly the decision maker, taking the fact that my father doesn't want to make any decisions, and I'm always too scared of the potential outcomes to. So whenever it's “what should we do now?”, I usually let my half brother choose. He knows I'm his sister, but he seems like he couldn't care less. Whenever I have to say no to hanging out, he, my father, guilts me with “your half brother misses you”. I'm not even sure if he's spoken a word to me, and I don't know what I'd say to start conversation with him.
Thanks for all your insight, by the way. I know that's kind of random, but I really do appreciate getting another view on things.
It's been nearly an hour and a half, and I've only just now been able to dry my eyes. My favorite store clerk at the nearby mall leaves for a city 3 hours away tomorrow. I know, I'm ridiculous for being so weepy over such a thing.
But it's been a blessing to be able to absorb his positive energy nearly every weekend, for the past year or so. I became excited to enter the store, because I usually knew he'd be there, and he'd make my day. It's also safe to say that he's been a huge encouragement to my pretty eccentric and “out there” style. To suddenly not have that guaranteed backing, it kinda sucks.
He told me yesterday that he'd be at the mall today, so I ran over at 1pm, only to learn that his shift was some hours later. So I splurged to make myself feel better, and I went back home. Then, I went back a bit later.
I got his instagram username, and I got to hug him for the last time. He said he'll miss my friends and I. I walked out, sat on a local bench, and before I knew it, I was sniffling.
The walk home was rainy. Earlier, whilst leaving the house, I panicked and grabbed my froggy umbrella, fit for a 5 year old. So there I was, holding back my tears in the rain, under a small green umbrella, with pop-up eyes. I basically completely lost it when I passed my mother's boyfriend's stupidly massive truck in the parking lot. I feel completely surrounded by negativity now, and like I won't have that pick-me-up feeling for a while.April 10, 2017 at 7:28 pm #144493
Normal that you would feel sentimental about the person at the mall. It was a contact you made, it was YOUR contact and because it was kind of a regular relationship in a certain setting on your terms, you were able to feel some closeness. I have had similar feelings that seem out of proportion to the actual relationship. It happens a lot on crews when you've just spent 3 weeks working really closely on a project together and you're all ‘breaking up'.
I had the impression that the last time you saw your father was the first time in a long time and that you had just met your 9 year old brother… I remember you writing about how you didn't want to see your dad, and that last time you finally did because he just showed and bro gave you that doodle. So have you seen him more regularly over the years? Would moving to Seattle be the worst thing for you? It would get you out of your current situation, or is that a toss-up? Is your little brother's mother on the scene?
As for the ‘discipline' thing, if you're not going to do it until ‘one day' start asking yourself EVERY MORNING “Is THIS the day?”. The answer may be no, but asking the question at least is a form of discipline. And one day the answer will be yes. You need to do this if you're going to really change things up for yourself and not just be ‘reactive' but proactive to the ‘series of unfortunate events' that make up your current situation. Sometimes we have to get out of our own way in these situations.
Check if there is a Chinese grocery somewhere near you – that's the kind of place to get green tea on the cheap.
No, I am not a robot. Hopefully fewer astral hitchhikers on this post.
-MApril 12, 2017 at 8:37 pm #144809
I might've forgotten to mention that I hung out twice with my father and little brother since I saw them that first time. To clarify a bit, the time that they visited my apartment was my first time meeting my brother, and the first time seeing my father in several years. Don't know what the situation is with his mother, but I think it's a back-and-forth situation.
Doing the Seattle thing would be pontentially awful for several reasons. The first being my mother fighting it tooth and nail. The divorce and custody battle, some years ago, was extremely harsh. I don't imagine her letting go easily. Transportation is also worth mentioning. I really have my heart set on the charter school, and I'm not gonna endure a 3 hour commute, to and fro, daily. Also, I have an inkling that my father wouldn't give me any privacy, in hopes to make up for the past 16 years. That's quite a problem, taking the fact I've grown to appreciate isolation.
The actually “is this the day?” thing seems doable. Baby steps are my favorite kind of steps.
The closest asian grocer is 10 minutes by car. Though, I could probably pester my mother into taking me, since it's been a couple of years. I've actually been meaning to go for green tea ice cream. It's the only place you can get it in tubs around here.April 29, 2017 at 6:14 am #147261
Well, from your last post, it seems you know what you DON'T want to do, namely to move to your father's. I know it's all imperfect, and no one can make up for lost time, but I do sense that they care about you and are trying to find some solutions, even though they are not the ones you want. This probably gets you thinking more about the Charter school, since you've had that in mind for a while and have been moving toward that goal.
Which brings me back to the discipline thing – hoping that all this time you've been asking yourself the ‘is this the day' question every day. I found this post which I find interesting for my own reasons along these lines, and thought you'd be interested.
Interested to hear your latest and I'll try to reply soon – there have been a lot of really challenging things going on making it hard to find the cafe time/mental space to reply..
MApril 30, 2017 at 12:51 am #147349
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Howdy, howdy, howdy. My Driftwood Reply Senses (TM) were tingling, so I figured I should check the forum.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I've been hearing more high school horror stories from my friends, and now this charter school thing is really hanging over my head. The realization that I'll be stuck outside of the house for 7 hours a day is kicking in. I don't think I'm mentally prepared in the slightest, though I know things will probably only change for the better.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Of my biggest concerns, I worry a lot about who I'll meet. I, obviously, like to keep to myself, but I know making a friend or two is inevitable. I mostly fear the darn dreaded drama. My friend, whose house I'm staying at currently, just told me that every time she hangs out with her male friends, everyone thinks she's flirting with them, behind the backs of their rather insecure female companions. Eugh. This was a real eye-opener to the level of maturity that I'm gonna be surrounded by. But no one can predict the future (no matter how much glittery eyeshadow and sheer, baggy clothing they put on), so it's rather useless to be stressing about any of this.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I'll go through the article you sent tomorrow. I'm quite winded from running around today. Hopefully that's alright. I really appreciate you finding me resources to help me get out of this rut. Don't stress too much about replying, but I do always look forward to your posts.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>–</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Little over a week ago, Mother and I stopped by the local acoustic instrument store. I left with a ukulele. I quite like my ukulele.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>The only upsetting thing is that I get maybe 2 hours each weekday to myself to practice. It sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. The little thing is loud, and I feel uncomfortable having the household hear me practice. I don't know what kind of mocking that would lead to, and I don't wanna find out.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>These weekends have become slow without being able to practice playing; though it gives me a reason to look forward to waking up on the weekdays. I think I might've found something I actually get excitement from doing. It's too early to tell how long this'll last, though.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Art has become more of a chore, with all of the commissions and gifts. Fun fact, 8 of my paintings currently reside in someone else's house. I was thinking about it some more, and my mother's boyfriend's daughter presumably doesn't get paid for her dancing, so I must be doing something right. Right? Then again, she has a leader's permit, and social life, which both rank pretty high on the “proud parent” meter.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>On a different note, I'm completely failing school. Pray for me.</p>May 28, 2017 at 7:36 am #150956
Ughhh. I just replied and it didn't send and everything disappeared. This anti robot thing is getting to be over the top. Plus I didn't copy/save what I wrote first, which I usually do just in case..
Dang- what happened to the tiny buddhas next to our names.. Drama in high school, you say? Yes, but there's also drama in the office, drama in traffic, drama always ready to raise its overly dramatic head. High school is just the testing ground for the rest of life. Fortunately drama is easily recognizable an (usually) easy to avoid.
Uke – very cool. Hope that is still bringing you pleasure.
How goes your artwork? How goes the ‘is this the day' discipline question. How go things with your Dad, the Seattle question and all the rest?
Did you ever read the zen habit post I sent?
A month of work and other major things going on in my life so its been a while – send news!
-MJune 2, 2017 at 9:03 pm #151706
@Driftwood: I'm just gonna dig for your email address from a few pages ago, and continue conversation from there. We're both having trouble with the forums, and I think I've dragged on this thread for way too long. See you there.