October 21, 2016 at 1:22 pm #118651
So she pays you- when she does- for putting up with abuse. I don’t think she has enough money though, to pay you. And I don’t believe there is enough money to make up for abuse-as-it-continues.
anitaOctober 21, 2016 at 6:57 pm #118662
@anita: Yeah, I know. I really don’t like accepting things from people, and she only makes it harder. The simple solution is right in front of her face, but she’ll never care to see it. It’s such an unfortunate situation. 2 more years.October 21, 2016 at 7:54 pm #118664
True, the solution is right in front of her face, get him out so that you, her daughter, can be safe in her own home. Safety is your right, what you deserve, what you are owed.
It isn’t fair, is it…
anitaOctober 21, 2016 at 11:25 pm #118679
Your mother’s first responsibly is to her child until that child is an adult. Period. It’s not about her love life or having a man (especially abusive ones) in her life. It’s not about her. Her primary job is to take care of and protect YOU.
Her boyfriend sounds like a bully and a coward. Real men don’t feel the need to belittle other people to the point of tears. I’m sure that if he spoke to another grown man the way he does to you, that he would find himself waking up on the floor.
You sound like the only truly mature person in your home. It troubles me to read that you don’t eat much or that you don’t feel like you can go to the bathroom, when you need to, because of him. I want to make sure that you realize your rights as a person. Avoid having direct conversation with him, yes..smart plan, but don’t let him stand in your way of caring for yourself. YOU are the only you that there is; be kind to yourself and do what you have to in order to take care of yourself in the day to day, small ways (things that you can control).
Keep posting and sharing what you feel like sharing. On your bad days, vent or blow off things that are pent up. On good days, feel free to share your hopes for your future. People here are supportive and WILL LISTEN to what you have to say. We all have either been there, are there or will be there at so point too.
~ShippOctober 22, 2016 at 8:35 am #118694
I’m also from an artistic family. My mother was a painter, and my father sculpted. One of the few things I would do with my father as a kid was walk on the beach and collect driftwood. Found objects that would make their way into his sculptures. A good analogy for doing something creative with what you are given.
I reread your original post, and it was even more apparent to me just how abusive this person is and I wanted to add a few more insights – correct me where I’m wrong. (BTW on rereading I realized I spazzed and flagged my own post as inappropriate by mistake while having an IT problem.)
Abusive people try to exert control both overtly and passive- aggressively. Why? As a misguided way of trying to control their own fears and anxieties and past traumas. What he says when not just randomly lashing out are his own projections on you and others.
This kind of abuse is a confused mess of past abuse, of fear/anger/failure/love/hate which are all mixed into one mishmash in his misfiring brain. The reason I bring this up is that it is a screwed up, un-evolved Fred Flintstone (no, Fred was too nice) let’s say Cave Man language. How screwed up must a person be to have this be the way he communicates his buried fears traumas and rejections? And to project them on a kid? “No dreams or aspirations? Crying when the boss yells? “ Major projections of his own failures having nothing to do with you. I could imagine it started at a young age with him and effected the way his brain developed (purely speculation on my part).
So this is his ‘language’, which is both consciously and unconsciously malicious. But guess what.. Without really knowing it you (out of necessity of survival) have had to become an expert in this language – in the same way that you might read faces when returning home when you walk through the door to see what the emotional climate is, you understand intuitively what is going on. I realize that you don’t necessarily ‘internalize’ all of his abuse, but I just want to reiterate how important it is not to because it does have a way of seeping in and effecting your feelings and actions.
So just because we understand this kind of person’s screwed up language does that mean we should internalize/have any understanding or even sympathy for them? There are two answers:
2) NO for even more reasons you might not have thought of having to do with the future.
No number 1: You owe this person nothing. While you have to be civil just to get through, your main job is to protect yourself. Sympathy for your mother? Of course. She is also a victim in this. – and she’s your mom.
No number 2: You understand this ‘language’ of abuse better than you think. So down the line, when someone comes into your life who speaks this language, it can be a natural inclination to (semi-conciously or unconsciously) say to yourself ‘Oh.. I know this language… I can handle this…” We are creatures of habit, and this is exactly how abusive relationships repeat themselves. (I realize I touched on this before).
There can be a very seductive side to a lot of abusive people because deep down they see themselves as victims or misunderstood. This justifies their actions (and sometimes addictions) to them. This seductive side is what they present when we first meet, or date or live with them. Then come what they think are pleas to be understood (usually not clearly expressed to us or even cryptic so we don’t ‘get’ them), then comes their victimization of themselves, then comes the abuse. Repetition of their same old patterns which have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THEM. From what you say, you have seen this pattern repeatedly in some of the men from your mom’s past. I am putting this in a future context for you because this is exactly how this shit rolls into relationships that we form that we SWORE looked healthy at the outset. I have had to deal with some of this in my own life and the stuff I’m writing is what someone passed on to me which I had a hard time believing at first but which helped a lot.
The above might seem obvious to you because you know it all pretty well. But there might be few things you hadn’t thought of in the mix. Let me clarify one thing: By sympathy, I don’t mean feeling sorry for someone, but I mean letting it hit our sympathetic/empathetic nerve, whereby we, as fairly normal humans start taking on some of this person’s burden into ourselves.
There is nothing that justifies his words and actions towards you, and there is nothing that should justify you feeling like an expense, or not doing things for yourself. Though it is completely understandable that anyone would feel this way, this is fallout from the abuse – so maybe try to look at it that way and see if that shifts a few emotional things for you.
I realize this is a lot of heavy stuff to lay on someone your age but you are dealing with a lot of things you shouldn’t have to and I hope some of this might be useful in your tool kit.
I have a few more things to say about the creative side of things, but this post got longer than I thought it would!
October 23, 2016 at 12:56 am #118734
- This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Driftwood.
@anita: I don’t think she’ll ever understand, which sucks. I’ve had people ask me if I’d still consider keeping her in my life and in the life of my (theoretical) future children, and I hesitated. It’s an ever-changing answer, to me. I don’t know. She’s still my mother, but I could only tolerate her from a distance, when I go on my own way. She’s a nice lady, just a nice lady from a distance, when you don’t have to endure the shenanigans that she puts herself through. It’s really depressing that this is show she chooses to spend her adulthood. I can only learn from her mistakes.
@shipp: Thank you for your reply.
I don’t know. I think I would rather ease a rusty knife into my throat than leave my room while it’s just him and I alone; or starve to death. It’s just something I can’t get myself to ever do. At this point, “rights” are a thing of make-believe, to me. Even though I know they’re not, they just feel selfish to me. I understand that they’re really not, because it’s a matter of staying alive, but I just don’t see myself worthy of rights, I suppose. It’s hard to explain, but I would rather be deprived than sit through more mistreatment – it’s more difficult to remember later on. As where any look, word, or gesture would repeat continuously in my head for the next month, at least.
Also, thank you for the encouragement to keep posting. It’s very welcoming. I’ll be sure to keep updating, for as long as people are interested.
@Driftwood: Hey, again.
Ah, your username makes sense to me now. What a cute lil’ backstory.
Thank you for all of the advice, and fresh outlook on the situation. I’m going to save that reply to my notes(/diary), so I can review it again later, for a better grip of the situation. I love collecting little things on the internet that give better perspective to things, or just helpful advice. I’ve been thinking about starting a physical diary, but filling it mostly with valuable lessons I learn throughout life.
As far as his victimizing goes, you hit it right on the nail. He’s always asking my mother about why her and I are so sensitive, and whining on about how he never did anything wrong, and him agressively making uncomfortable jokes at me is his attempt of “getting along” with me. He’s genuinely made me feel oversensitive, and nearly insane. The other day, on the drive to my birthday dinner, he called my mother (she had her phone on speaker) and said to have a good dinner. I can’t help but take it as another passive agressive attack. I told my friend this, but he says it’s reasonable, since I’ve never had any trust in him. And why should I?
I’m just tired of his bullshivic. There’s been days where I really wish he’d just do something physical, so I’d have a ticket out. As dreary and overdramatic as it is, I’ve even contemplated suicide a small handful of times. But the subsequent disappointment of my loved ones eats away at me. I hate bringing people, anyone, any sort of discomfort or distress. So if staying alive means keeping a handful of 4 or 5 people decently content, so be it.
Something that has been really eating away at me lately, is the heavy burden of potentially hanging out with my father. (I only bring it up because the last time I seriously contemplated chugging nail polish remover was on my birthday, when reflecting back on the 40 unread messages from him.) I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t check the date without having my stomach flip. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t want to talk, or have much of any contact with him. I tried to tell him I’m just not ready right now, and he texted back “I’ll just send a late birthday card, I guess”, and continued to plea for me to hang out with him soon. He’s stubborn and manipulative, and it’s just too much right now. Not only that, but I don’t want him to witness me in my jaded and somber state. I wouldn’t be able to tell him what’s wrong, because he wouldn’t do anything but make the problem a million times worse. I don’t know what to do. This month has been absolute hell.
You said you had some other things to go on about, so don’t hesitate to do so! I love listening to what everyone has to say. This is the most reading I’ve done since public school. I wish that was a joke.
Sorry everyone for the really half-assed replies. It’s been a long day. I went out computer shopping with mother dearest, for a late birthday present. I’m currently sleeping at a friend’s place, since I’ve been begging her to let me escape from my house for just one weekend. The car ride here was painful, because she, my mother, decided to bring him along, for whatever reason. It was the first time all three of us were in the car together for at least a year. They kept small talk going the entire time, but I felt extremely obligated to keep silent and limit my eye contact to only my phone; that’s the only way I could feel even slightly invisible. It killed my phone battery, but it was better than any sort of uncomfortable situation I could’ve ended up in.
Anyways, I’m laying next to my friend’s sleeping body, and I should probably try to sleep soon, too. I dread tomorrow, because that means going back home.
Also, I’m super appreciative and honored that so many people take time out of their busy days to write me paragraph after paragraph of nothing but support and advice. Thank you. It all really makes me feel a little more sane, even manages to boost my self-respect, even in the tiniest bit.
I’ll probably have more time and energy to write tomorrow, so expect better replies that aren’t so sloppy and irrelevant. I’ve spent 3 hours looking at electronics, and the next 6 hours socializing nonstop. Sigh.October 23, 2016 at 7:30 am #118743
A few quick words, more – i.e. some creative feedback/ideas to follow.
The reason you are getting such a great outpouring from people is that it’s obvious to everyone looking in objectively that you are a Good Person in a Bad Situation. Keep that line in your mind when the wheels come off. Make it your mantra.
Yes, the self victimization/abuser cycle goes something like this:
“WAH WAH WAH… My boss/mother/brother/sister/girlfriend doesn’t understand me. They exclude me from everything. They didn’t let me pitch my handcrafted tee-pee replica in the middle of the golf course and I worked so long researching it to make it a historically exact replica … I poured my heart into that project and I’m misunderstood and taken for granted. (Knowing full well from the get-go that no one was going to let them pitch a tee-pee in the middle of a frickin’ golf course-duh..) You’ve shown me no respect or love. Respect and love I’m entitled to!!! I’ve tried so hard, but now you’re forcing me to take out my Cave Man Club and hit you over the head with it so I can knock you out and drag you back to my cave. This way YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME!! I just want you to know you’ve forced me to do this for your own good and the good of the relationship.”
This is a main ingredient in the domestic abuse/dispute/violence cocktail.
Those ‘little’ snipes he takes at you, which he positions as ‘just joking’ are abusive – make no mistake. It has taken me a long time (years!) to figure that out as I endured it from a family member my whole life. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he is incapable of saying something nice without what I call the ‘disclaimer’ coming down the line at you. Why? Because somewhere deep inside he is too vulnerable to express real affection without the backhanded bitchslap follow-up as a ‘preemptive attack’, his personal guarantee just to make sure ‘he’ won’t get hurt by YOUR rejection because YOU are so mean and abusive. That’s how it was in my case – to the point of being accused of being abusive. So here was my point about sympathy: Now that you are getting a foothold on understanding something of the motivation behind it/him, should you feel sorry somewhere deep down for him? Compensate even subconsciously with ‘self limiting/self-loathing behavior for his terrible (wah..wah..wah) deep wounds that he is too weak to express normally but blames on everyone around him? F—K NO!!!!
Now look at it this way – easier for you to say F-K NO to it, than for someone who is romantically involved with him, since at least you had no choice in the matter and could care less if he leaves. So when he rode along with you and your mother, think of the relationship guilt trip he might have laid on her if he had been ‘excluded’.
You might think I have terrific insight into this person that I don’t even know, but I don’t – it’s because it’s a common pathology. It’s always the same story. I could give you a bunch of examples.
I will reiterate it is very difficult not to internalize this kind of abuse with low self image, self loathing, thoughts of suicide and all those good things we humans visit on ourselves. Especially when the abuser knows your exact triggers. (Knows because in part he created them.)
Which is why the mantra to yourself needs to be ‘Good person in a bad situation’. There is ZERO reason that you should feel bad about yourself in this situation. Allow yourself the time to let this concept sink in – but be vigilant about moving towards it (Good person bad situation or maybe GPBS?) when you feel yourself slipping backwards into those feelings.
As for your father – you are a kid who has been forced to set boundaries with a parent, which is something you shouldn’t have had to do. But you did have to, and you have done it the best you can. It was/is a healthy reaction. Priority here, again? Self preservation. It might be that someday you will say yes to the Christmas card once a year, or not. Your choice.
My niece has the same issue with my brother, and she’s gone through periods of tolerating him and not. He wasn’t around for her in her childhood/teen years and now wants to make amends. At this point (as an adult with grown and teen kids) she is just starting not to be affected by it. I have had long discussions with her about it even recently. I just came across a bitter poem she wrote about it when she was a teen. And she’s still dealing with those feelings. Another ongoing process- it’s not just because your a kid. But there’s time to deal with this. Priority now — Sammi!
Very psyched that you are saving my feedback somewhere for future reference. I hope this all comes in handy in your ‘toolkit’. One thing that is coming out in all of this with all the people who are giving you good feedback and support is that you have been successfully advocating for yourself and doing it through the written word.
Believe it or not, there is motion in all of this (hard to see now, but there is!) This is going to come in handy for you in the next phase as you prepare to get out of there and start working towards getting things on your own terms. All of this is a part of your path out and onto better times.
-MitchellOctober 23, 2016 at 10:19 am #118751
I do hope that once you are out of your home, that you will keep your mother at a distance. You wrote: “I could only tolerate her from a distance, when I go on my own way. She’s a nice lady, just a nice lady from a distance, when you don’t have to endure the shenanigans that she puts herself through.” Your thinking makes a lot of sense to me. One correction though, if I may: “The shenanigans that she puts herself AND YOU through.
Your last replies, by the way, did not appear to me as irrelevant or sloppy (words you used) to me. On the contrary, they seem logical and sensible. Please do post anytime and do your very best to take good care of yourself in these unfortunate-to-you circumstances.
anitaOctober 24, 2016 at 12:39 am #118794
Your said that you learned from your mom’s mistakes and from your posts, it sounds like you have in deed! I think that (if you avoid rusty knives and nail polish remover) that you be a wonderful, loving mom someday!
You mentioned that you thought about starting a journal of things that you have learned. I have actually done that myself. It does help to be able to go to it (in the moments when you need support) and read the things that matter; things that help get you through. Sometimes just the smallest sliver of hope is enough to keep you hanging on just a little longer.
So much of what Driftwood is telling you is spot on. My ex husband was/is exactly like that so I know the type that you and Driftwood are describing. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE use the mantra “Good person bad situation or maybe GPBS like Driftwood said. He’s giving good advice.
When things get bad, if you can get online in your room, post here. You’ve got people who care and want to help.
~ShippOctober 24, 2016 at 3:01 am #118795
@sammi That has to be really tough. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
I have some suggestions – you can take them or leave them. Also, sorry if these suggestions were already given (I did not read all the replies).
For your living situation, you can ask your boyfriend or your friend(s) if you can stay with them and their family. When I was in high school, I knew people that did this when they were having challenges at home as a teenager. If you aren’t able to stay with anyone, try to spend as much time as possible at their house(s) when you aren’t “needed” at home or have to get stuff done there. You could even do homework at friend(s) houses (or just say they are helping you with your homework) :]
Like another user said, try to get out of the house as much as possible, without wearing yourself out I guess. I am afraid of being in public too sometimes, but I’m usually fine in parks and/or trails. Be safe of course, but find a park or some kind of nature trail you can get to. The walking also helps you work off emotions.
Also, I always feel better about myself after I’ve exercised. I know this won’t solve all your problems, but definitely find some kind of exercise that’s fun for you (out of the house, such as jogging outside). That helps a LOT with stress, working off emotions, and body confidence (for example).
Finally, you could try joining some kind of sports team, or group. If you aren’t into sports, you can find other kinds of groups on Facebook and Meetup.com. I know you said you don’t like to go out in public, but there’s such a huge range of groups that meet up for anything/ everything in all kinds of settings that might be more comfortable for you.
Also, try volunteering. For example, if you like animals, you can volunteer at the local animal shelter. In general, just get in touch with your community and what’s going on there – it will distract you from what’s going on at home.
I know it’s hard right now, but the bright side is that you have a lot of freedom right now since you aren’t working. So you have lots options for getting out of the house during the day, and not necessarily having to interact a ton with people. Find a place or places that work for you (away from home). It might take some searching, but you can search on the Internet to find a huge range of local places and activities that are in your comfort zone.
I know I threw a lot at you, but I really hope this helps :] Good luck.
October 25, 2016 at 1:42 pm #118906
- This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Louise.
@Driftwood: Hello again.
Y’know, I really like that “good person, bad situation” line. I’m always burying myself in guilt for various reasons, but that clears up a good amount of it.
I still don’t completely know what to do about my father. The first, and only, thought is just to keep avoiding his messages until my mom yells at me to acknowledge him. Maybe I’ll use my ongoing physical stress and anxiety symptoms as an excuse, masked by some innocent term.
And thank you for all of the advice and information, as usual.
@anita: Yeah, I don’t think I would have the heart to cut her out of my life completely. With computer shopping and everything lately, she keeps saying ” I just want you to be happy” which always makes me want to yell at her. If that’s all she wants, then the choice is right there, in front of her.
Or once, quite recently (maybe 3 months ago) we had some bad customer service at a store. She said she would never let someone treat me bad, ever, even though she lets it happen on the daily. That was deeply annoying, but I didn’t retort, because I already knew the reply. “What do you want me to do?” Well, I want you (her) to act like a responsible adult and make the right decision for your child, but that’s just too hard, huh? Grumble grumble..
Thank you! I would love to become a mother. But y’know, down the line, when I can at least take care of myself efficiently. And when I can acquire proper housing and some sort of decently stable income. (So like, potentially in 5 to 10 years.)
I’ll definitely have to start that journal, then. I really want a little handy dandy notebook, just so all of the information wouldn’t be lost in the gaping black hole of technology. I’ll see if I can find one, the next time I’m out and about.
Your ex husband sounds like a rather unpleasant person, and I’m very glad you’ve gotten out of that relationship. I’ll be sure to put Driftwood’s advice to use.
@alexde: Hi, thanks for the reply!
Getting out of the house is slowly becoming a little more convenient, which is nice. I spent this past weekend at a friend’s house for the first time this year. The time before that, I got a cold and decided to have my mom pick me up after nearly fainting in their bathroom at 4am. I have a little bit of a phobia of visiting friend’s houses, just because not everything goes to plan. The one time I was over at my other friend’s house, many years ago, I woke up to the rest of their family screaming at eachother (long story short, her older brother stole a candy bar from a store). How awkward. And I’m painfully uncomfortable around my friends’ parents, which makes the thought of staying the night elsewhere a little uncomfortable, taking the fact I have to endure unbearably slow, never-ending small talk, whilst trembling like a small dog.
As far as exercise – I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot, actually. The majority of my summer was spent exercising (that’s how it seemed like, anyways), but school came about and decided to have live classes scheduled during the time of afternoon I usually work out. I’ve been told to go do it earlier, but I usually can’t get myself out of bed any earlier than 9am, and that’s when the first class starts. Raaahh. If I could, I’d jump straight out of bed at 7am and hit the elliptical everyday.
Sports and volunteering are a bit of a stretch (just because of my constantly unmotivated personality) but it’s a thought. I’m a bit discouraged by the thought of meeting new people, just because I find myself too busy reflecting on my plethora of past crash-and-burn friendships, and how I really don’t want to add another hollow shell of a friendship to the pile.
But thank you, I’ll try to make an effort to get out a little more, even if it’s just the 20 minutes of spare time I have between classes.
Sorry for my very late responses. I’ve been juggling school and PC setup for the past 2 days, but I got everything working, now.
I always find myself nervous around this time of day, because I don’t know who’s going to come home first. I hear the front door lock screech of suspense, and my first initial reaction is to grab my headphones as fast as possible and play something loud. After the door opens, there’s either mother cheerfully greeting the dogs, or her boyfriend, screaming “at the dogs”. The surge of relief I get when mom comes home first is indescribable. It doesn’t happen always though, quite less than always, actually.October 25, 2016 at 8:38 pm #118929
I wonder what would happen if you showed your mother this thread here… will she read it? What would she say.. will she say: “What do you want me to do?”
If she did, I would answer: I want you to get your boyfriend out of the house, so that Sammi is safe in her home. Please, please do that for Sammi’s sake. Pack your boyfriend’s stuff and get him out ASAP, today!
anitaOctober 25, 2016 at 9:37 pm #118933
No need to apologize for writing back late. This is your oasis with several people here for you, and I know how slammed you are since all the teachers in all the school systems now seem to have a general inferiority complex and phobia about not giving enough homework.
Your wit and intelligence really shine through your writing and I think this year of being 16 is going to be a turning point and bring about some changes both inside and out for you. For one thing, I think ‘teasing apart’ this giant dreadlock of an abusive situation into its various elements (mom’s abusive bf, absentee father who wants to reunite in some way leaving you feeling ‘too little too late..”etc..…) will make it all more manageable, and soon, believe it or not, you are going to look at this abusive person almost from a distance – and his shit won’t be able to touch you. I know it isn’t easy.. but it’s going to happen. (Not knocking dreads, btw.)
Think about it this way for a second – the abusive boyfriend has not been able to touch your intelligence, has he? Not from the voice I hear shining through all of this. Why? Because he is not as intelligent or self aware as you are and deep down you’ve always probably known that in some way (am I right?). I mean kids have the best shit detectors in the world. Up until now, he’s been an “adult figure” to you, (though in his case the word adult doesn’t exactly apply) an abusive one, and this has taken a toll on your natural (normal) sensitivity and inner soul – why wouldn’t it since, again, remember, you’re a kid, and ‘under construction’. Things have been dumped on you in a giant emotionally unstable junk pile that you’ve had to pick you way through on your own – so of course it would have an effect on your inner life and outlook.
So now, in the spirit of ‘good person, bad situation’ it’s time to sort through the junk pile and separate the metal from the plastic, the lazyboy recliner from the truck tires or whatever junk-laden metaphor you can find.
In separating all this crap, it’s very important to start seeing his abuse as separate from yourself. I know it’s not so easy since he’s ‘active’ in his abuse towards you and knows the triggers, but try little by little to see his actions for what they are, as if you were floating above and looking down through the ceiling at the family dynamic in the house.
I imagine your mother is conflicted inside because she does ‘love’ him for what it’s worth (and like I say, that relationship has its own push-pull dynamic). That and her personal history keeps her in it. She does love you and just doesn’t know how to make it right – especially with this other person pulling her in all directions. So be it. Yes, she’s a flawed person like all of us, but I don’t sense a bad person there, and at some point down the line you will probably have a talk about this all with her. Probably with no or little resolution in the beginning… but at least you’ll discuss it. I also had a parent who was unable to fully be there for me. I had a hard time with it growing up and rejected him as a kid but in retrospect I see that he had a lot of his own emotional issues and he did what he could. In fact I see now he imparted a lot of understanding of things to me. I think the computer purchase, though it’s a material thing, is a way for her to reach out to you, since she really doesn’t know how to address things emotionally with you and seems currently unable to let go of her relationship.
The things you describe about being uncomfortable in some social situations are a natural outgrowth of the emotionally volatile situation you have been brought up in. It can be hard to navigate social situations when you’re coming from an ever-shifting home situation. As you start to sort these things out into their different elements each will have less of an emotional ‘hold’ on you and I think a lot of the unease you have in certain situations will also loosen up. Also, as you and your friends get a little older, there’s more common ground, and they’ve seen a bit more of life in all its imperfections.
Remember you are a teenager and you have the right to be unsure, scared, depressed, angry, lazy, resentful, whatever without being held accountable for your moods. While you have had to deal with an emotionally unstable situation and the instability of others, you yourself are an emotionally stable person (may not feel that way but it’s true- believe it). You haven’t had the luxury of being able to indulge in the teenage years in the carefree way a teenager should be able to when given the right kind of support.
In the same sense, you have a right to your own feelings regarding your father and they can be a confused, conflicted mashup. You don’t have to ‘know’ anything about this situation. Not your job. Again – you’re the kid here – not responsible for the emotions of the adults around you.
By teasing apart all these aspects of your ‘bad situation’, you are going to start finding yourself on firmer ground emotionally and feeling more stable/not internalizing all this abusive ‘bullshevic’ (I like the term!). With some effort, the same kind of natural confidence you rightly have in your intelligence will little by little overflow into your emotional life as well. Gradual process.
Still haven’t gotten to the creative thing yet, but we will. Good to keep sorting through all of this crap first, I suppose.
On another purely practical note – my work takes me to different companies and organizations. One place I did some work for was a women’s shelter and they talked a lot about making sure your computer stuff is secure when there’s an abusive person in the house. I know you said there’s been no physical abuse – but are your writings secure? Any chance that he would read about himself anywhere in your writings and that could stir things up…?? Only you know the answer to this.
-MitchellOctober 25, 2016 at 10:00 pm #118934
Just out of curiosity, have you ever tried to figure out why he calls you names? (Not saying he should at all, an adult should never act like that, but should of would of could of)Some people just do not know how to be nice, unfortunately or maybe he just really sucks at expressing himself! It maybe beneficial to you to figure out what his problem is, so that you can look at the situation differently. Even though he is in the wrong it might give you a better perspective of the situation and might change how you feel about him. I have noticed in my own life when someone is being a jerk and I figure out the reason why it takes the power away from them being able to hurt me or loved ones.October 27, 2016 at 3:55 am #119014
@anita: The idea crossed my mind before, to show her the forum, but I can’t let her find out I’m dating right now, and I previously mentioned my boyfriend. There’s a various amount of reasons why she can’t know, but the most important one being that I don’t need her interrogating me about it. Not to mention – she doesn’t bother clicking on the links I send her, no matter how helpful they could be. Or how much they could open her eyes.
Everyone has their flaws, as uber cliché as that may be. I always try my absolute best to see every situation from every side. Mother dearest (my mom) is a bit conflicted, indeed. I don’t see her madly in love, though; just madly in love with the rent discount, since he pays half of the it. I don’t necessarily loathe her for any of her actions, but you can see how it is a bit frustrating on my part. There’s an incredibly annoying financial problem going on here, rent keeps going up in the general area, but income isn’t budging. But since we have that monthly discount, we’re fine. When we have a roof over our heads, running water, electricity and everyone fed, that’s us doing completely fine, to her. Mental health has never been something that’s ever crossed her mind, which is a little annoying.
As for him – I understand where he’s coming from, partially. I don’t do anything around the house, and don’t plan on it. But that’s really only because my mother has never, ever expected me to do anything, and so I don’t really see a point in doing so. I would be able to respect his opinions if his communication skills weren’t so god awful. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he spent the first 10 years of his life being raised by wolves. Though, I’m no better (in a different way). I flinch sometimes when cashiers hand me a receipt. If only he could convey points in a way that don’t make me want to sock him in the face, you know, if socking people in the face wasn’t considered impolite. Oh, and not to mention how so very unintelligent he is. I know. I feel like I can even see some primal behavior in him; something will upset him in the slightest bit and he starts throwing a fit. It’s like when you take a banana away from an ape thing. He’s such a simple-minded creature. Personally, I even consider him proof of evolution.
I really hope this year is the year that something – anything, changes. And for the better, preferably. And on the topic of school, I have some ideas. I’ll list them at the bottom of my post, just because it makes more sense to me, in the sense of delivery.
Yes – all of my current “sensitive” writings are secure (the only things that are really accessible to anyone who stumbles into my den are my old math notebooks, that are mostly just 7th and 8th grade pen doodles, which isn’t a lot of information). Everything’s currently stored on my laptop, pc and phone, which all have passwords. And there’s even a password on my diary phone app. Everything’s kind of under one PIN code currently, though, but that’s just because no one really has any potential access to any of my electronics without my supervision, anyways. And them dumbfoundedly attempting at my PIN code a few times should usually give me more than enough time to catch them, since I don’t go without my electronics for long. Also, there’s an application I had for a while that passwords any/all other apps of your choice, and if someone gets that password wrong, the phone takes a front-facing photo, with a time and date. I deleted it after a while though. I got tired of accidentally fumbling with the password, and then the off-guard 3am selfies of sleep-deprived me piling up.
And in any case, if he ever dared stepping foot into my room while I was gone, and somehow got my password, I don’t see much going wrong. For anything, I feel like it’d give him a little more insight, for the better or worse.
Feel free to rain more useful metaphors on me, anytime. And feel free to go on about the creativity stuff, I could very well use it. I was looking back on some of my favorite pieces, and apparently the piece I thought was from a “few months ago” was actually done in October, last year. And the most recent piece I feel confident was done in July. And to think I used to draw daily. What happened?
@becca1982: Hi, Becca. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
I have no idea as to why he bothers calling me names. I don’t know much of anything about him, besides the basics, and I have no clue to his past. His parents are genuinely decent people, so I have no idea what went wrong. Poor treatment at school, possibly? I don’t know. I just don’t know him well enough to really make assumptions there.
And to me, the majority of males I’ve met have had an incredibly difficult time expressing themselves, emotionally. Some of them from my early childhood, adults, would harmlessly pick on me to show affection, and this took me a while to learn. Maybe while he isn’t trying to show affection, he’s still doing a lot more damage than intended. Like stepping on daisies, and expecting them to survive.
Thank you all for your replies. I went to counseling earlier today, well, yesterday. Nothing’s really been happening. That appointment was just a little over 30 minutes long. But in those 30+ minutes, she mentioned something. A local charter school she worked at a few years ago. Just a bit over 100 students, or so. It’s based around creativity and individuality. Not to mention, the principal loves cosplay, so every friday you’re allowed to cosplay. I’m seriously contemplating enrolling next year. Everyone’s always nagging me about socializing more, and this might be a bearable amount of social interaction, whilst still being mostly enjoyable. And no homework.
Main concerns right now are waking up early enough for that school, and the commute. My mother, most likely, wouldn’t be able to drop me off/pick me up, and there’s no way that I’m walking 4 miles (it’s still in my district) to and fro school, everyday. And I don’t know about school buses, I’ve never had to ride them before, and I wouldn’t know where the stops are.
Rah, who knows though, it’s still all theoretical. Online school is just something I keep putting off, just because I can. I really can’t afford to flunk 2 more school years. I don’t even plan on college, I just really, really want my degree, and asap would be preferred.
Also, thank you guys, again. I always look forward to logging back on and reading everyone’s feedback. It’s gotten to the point where I use it to motivate myself. It’s usually either “Stop oversleeping, you have forum replies to check”, or “The sooner you go into the living room to leave to walk the dogs, then sooner you can come back and check the forum”. It can even be “Maybe I’ll go make a quick snack, and then check the forum”.
Hm, I really need to stop writing 15 minutes before I intend to go to bed. This took me nearly 2 hours to write.