Hi Marie,

I am sorry to hear that this is a difficult time for you and hope that my perspective regarding your situation can be helpful you during this time of need.

What I have learned about “helping others” is this: #1. If your going to help another, expect nothing back in return. Do not hold that person accountable for your kind gesture wether true or false. I sometimes too support undeserving people who are dishonest; however, I know that is MY personal choice to do so. No matter how obligated I may feel to help someone else it is I who has control on wether or not I do so and how much I am willing or capable of helping.

#2. Bad things happen to everyone (unfortunately) both good and bad, black or white, tall or short, rich or poor. These are things that are out of our control and can not be compared. As unfair life may seem everyone is struggling with something and yes it may be at different degrees of pain, hurt, or sickness; however, it just depends on one’s perspective. There are families who have very limited food resources and supplies that are just necessary for living and this is not by choice, but just the circumstances they live in, but to them it is not a curse it is just a way of life.

#3. If you are religious and depending on what religion you believe in or who your God is it may be applied a little differently than other religions, but as I was taught God is not in control of what his children do he can only be a guide to them. He supplies us with the tools we need and it is then up to us on how we choose to use them. If you believe in Jesus Christ as it was written he came to Earth to “help others” expecting nothing in return. Now, I am not saying you are Jesus Christ, but we have to consider his actions here on Earth as a lesson of what this world is capable of and how we can only help those who want help, who are ready for help. Jesus helped many people who then turned against him due to their circumstances, whether it was fear, pain, hate, selfishness, doubt or out of love. They had their reasons for what they did and why they did it. I am not saying their reasons were right or correct; however they all had to make a choice for one reason or the other.

I admire who you are and you should too. As you described you are someone who loves deeply, who endures many unfortunate circumstances yet continues to show sympathy for those in need. I am the same way. I have felt as you have felt. Why me? I live my life accordingly and I justify myself as a “good” person and I just can not seem to find any reason why “Bad” things keep falling right into my lap so effortlessly. As I have learned some of these mishaps are lessons, preparation, and wisdom. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail others and sometimes even myself. The people I help are as I like to see it reflections of myself in some ways I can see how we connect and why I feel so eager to step in and help because I too am drowning because I too need help.

My advice to you is do what you can of others, but do not forget to first take care of yourself; mind, body, and soul. If you are not balanced yourself in all three entities you can not help others and make a difference. We have to be leaders by example; role models for others. Also, have your guard up make those you help to meet you half way if they are unwilling to meet you half way you are only being an enabler (as I have) actions always speak louder than words. Also be mindful of where your store and focus your energy. I have to be honest as well some people are just not worth your energy and you can be the judge of that since you’ve experienced a multitude of different situations you are most likely a good judge of ones character.

Just know this: Your never and not alone in this. You are STRONGER than most and I do not say this to put you on a pedestal, but I say this because there are very few people today who are willing to sacrifice their time and energy for the wellbeing of others. In a generation today where society has become so self-absorbed and competitive it is hard to find friends or support groups in the flesh. Despite all the technology we do have it can become a very cold place for someone who just needs a shoulder to lean on.

Hope I helped and sending good vibes.

Aloha,

Moani

Hi Samantha,

As human beings we all want to feel “special” to someone and with that being said we validate that special feeling with a label (bf, gf, wife, husband, etc.) because labels help us to identify with where we stand especially within a relationship; however, labels do not mean that person can be trusted or that said person is in love with you. People get married and still are yet to have problems arise or lack love for another. It is a person’s actions that help define how they truly feel about you.

As you have described your bf, it seems to me that he is not ready to take on the commitment and responsibilities of what it means to be someones exclusive boyfriend. You have to respect his decision and his honesty as an individual. Try not to take his response as a negative or rejection. It is better to get an honest answer rather than him say yes to only give you what you want, but not necessarily mean it in his heart.

I personally allowed myself to stay stuck in a 5 year relationship where my bf only became my bf because that is what “I” wanted. I wanted validation, a label, to feel special to someone and becoming someone’s gf at the time is the only thing that made sense to “me” and so he did it for me. I do not regret this relationship being that we shared many friends, common interest, and I guess you could say young love; however, if I could have went back in time I would of remained his friend a lot longer before taking our relationship to the next level. Although, I was labeled his gf for 5 years he continued to see other people and do his own thing as a single individual would. I did not find out many of his transgressions until after the relationship ended; but one thing I did learn from all of this is to never rush the process of love. To always find validation is self before searching for it in another.

Aloha