Hi Yours

I feel exactly how you feel. It is like you put in words what I couldn’t for so long. I guess I am one step further along, I broke up with my ex partner in the beginning of the year, yet this relationship and the breakup is still something I think about a lot. The break up was very painful for both of us. I have been with my ex for 6 years, am a people pleaser too and I feel shame and resentment of not having made my values and wishes clearer to him. But I now know that I have told him things I wanted to change in the relationship but he was to stubborn to even consider them. Only when I said I wanted to break up because I was not happy he started to think about things.

Before the breakup I fell into depression due to a lot of reasons but I think a contributing factor was that I felt not important and loved enough by him to even consider changing his ways. Or doing it very slowly after years of me repeatedly asking for it (Which I took as a sign to keep going and keep trying to be with him). I again and again neglegted my own needs and wants and put his over mine. As you said this is something I now know I tend to do and which stems from childhood learnings which I am now working on to change.

I don’t want to sugar coat it, it has been hard since the break up. I am 34 now and I really wanted to start a family, I feel like time is running away. However, having kids with this man who was not ready to compromise and who has a different understanding when it comes to what it means to love somebody…I wouldn’t want to have married him or had kids with him. Things certainly do not get easier when you care for children.

So, I can only say, you will find somebody else. You have already decided to break up. There is never a good time for this, don’t wait for it. When you do it, take the breakup one step at a time. My ex did not understand why I wanted this, why I didn’t want to try again. For him everything was fine. I felt like I was just an unhappy person, blamed myself for not feeling it was enough and got worn down by his arguing why we are meant to be together. For when this happens, leave the situation, remind yourself why you are doing this. Write it down if you have not already done so and re-read it. You will not regret it! Even if it feels like the pain is unbearable at times. But it gets better and soon enough you will feel like you can make a fresh start. And the good thing is: you learn from this experience. You now know what is important to you in a relationship and can look out for it, and do it better next time.