thanks, you two! I think right now, I’m over the whole process of dying. I’m looking into other opinions of death. I feel like I’m being more mindful than I used to be. I feel very grateful for being alive.

What I can’t accept now, though it sounds like it’s the same thing, is the fact that my mind will stop working. The more I say it to myself, the more it sounds unreal.

Like your brain just STOPS. I forgot to mention that my heart only races when I’m preparing to go to bed. So i think it does that because of something that Inky said, “We aren’t afraid of losing consciousness when we go to sleep,” I think I am. My heart races because I’m not really there. Also, sleeping is different from dying. When we sleep, we dream, we are still thinking. When we die, I can’t get over the fact that we dont do that. How does everything suddenly cease to exist for me?

Maybe I have a fear of being left alone or left behind? I was meditating this earlier.

Probably the next step for me right now is to make up my mind? I’m very unsure about death, as in what happens to my mind, because I really want to believe that I’ll be able to experience (see, feel, touch, talk) in another life after death. I want to believe that maybe there’s another dimension where spirits mingle and talk, do stuff, but I think about science and how out of body experiences are just the mind creating a dream that we believe is our spirit coming out of the body. I want to believe in the spirit. I want to believe in some type of heaven. But I feel like i’m just lying to myself, like when you tell a child that their dying pet is going to sleep in order to make them feel better. Except I’m aware that I’m lying to myself because as much as i want to believe in heaven and spirits, the reality is that we don’t know so I just assume they don’t exist.

There’s a lot of work on my part now (meditating, positive thoughts, mindfulness, being active). I have to figure out what I want because the way I perceive the world is just what my mind thinks of it, my thoughts and stuff. I’m writing this because I hope that someone who was in my situation will have closure, too.