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Hello Anita,
will show whatever emotions that will satisfy her mother: be it fear, sadness, regret, guilt, shame..
I always hid my emotions, when I was falling down and getting injured I remember I didnt want anyone to think me as weak, therefore was bearing with my pain and saying nah it didnt hurt even a bit, and continue running around. For example when I was around 4, I was going to a preschool. I was very energetic, (hyperactivity level energetic) I was running down the stairs and apparently someone left open a door. I ran into that door and the door handle hurt near my eye. (I still have the wound of it, if it was some mm closer I would probably lose my eye) I remember they give me some ice and it was hurting so much. But we had a music lesson at that time, where we sit near a piano and sing songs. I remember sucking it up and singing as good as I can while pressuring my wound with the ice. (This is probably the oldest memory I am able to remember) So I always had this not showing emotions mentality, cant say I earned it after I got older.
the first adjective you assigned to her is “depressed”, not angry, not violent.
This is due to my now perspective of her, I think her as frustrated and depressed. But of course at that time I wasnt seing her like that, probably better to say cruel, mean and angry.
What was it about your mother that was/ is not very scary?
I was scared of her at first but it was everyday so I got used to it. Her abuse was everyday, either calling me mean names, yelling about anything she can find, and sometimes beating me. Mostly she was telling mean stuff about my personality and then spinning the topic back to her. How she was a victim and I was the bad person. Like I can just leave a comb in another room and she would start yelling and cursing at me, then come near me and continue by looking at my face then tell how she is so unlucky because I was selfish etc. “She was the greatest mom ever, everyone would loved to be her daughter but she got me.” So after some time I got used to it I think. I was sure she was gonna throw some fit, so I was no longer scared. I can say my scare turned into disgust. I was going to do my way whatever happens because I didnt want to obey someone disgusting. We do not have even one similar interest now, we cant chat much without other one getting bored. She is extremely feminine and I am a tomboy. She loves makeup, design, clothes, shopping, I hate all, dont care about any of them. I love talking about games, sports, science. She does not care. So not much to talk, we can watch a movie together if I visit them at least. She was telling me that she wanted to have a daughter so she can do make up on her like an easel, but instead she got me, a small boy. This stuff hurts but you get used to it eventually. And start thinking if a pitiful person like her doesnt like it then I am doing something correct. Maybe not a mature thinking but I was a kid at that time so it is as it is.
is still, very much anxiety/ the ongoing fight-and-flight response (there are many symptoms), and therefore the suggestions in the article (1-7) still apply.
Ok, I will check them out.
Thanks Anita.
Hello Anita,
Thank you for your reply I really appreciate you trying to help out.
My father was working and bringing money home yes. I would have rathered not having much stuff but have a loving father. He told me that he doesnt know how to react with kids some years ago, he still does not know how to show me love. The thing is I was never able to get angry at my father when I was little either, because he got paranoid schizophrenia when I was 6 years old. He was sick so he had a pass from me all the time. He is taking his medicines for years and he is ok.
How sad it is, that a person leaves behind nothing at all, in his daughter’s mind and heart
Well, I have some memories of him that I cant seem to forget. When he was first getting sick, he was nearly choking me. I was 6 at the time. Luckily some neighbours were with us and they took him off of me. My mum gave me a glass of water, he thought she was trying to poison me and he tried to save me. Well this is at least what they told me, I dont know if this is the truth or not, what else can you tell a 6 year old. I lived with my grandparents or uncle/aunt for some time. My dad knocked their door and yelled that he wants to see his daughter, he was holding tight to a notebook I had, never leaving it(I was writing poems or short stories to that notebook). I also remember my mum telling me that we will see my dad but I must not hug him. But these memories are the only ones I seem to remember. I had problems sleeping at night when I was living with my parents, I still do when I go for a sleepover there. I randomly wake up feeling my dad is watching me and going to do sth. (Luckily this never happened)
while father is extremely passive and doesn’t bother to stop his wife from abusing his little girl.
Yep he was seing it and hearing it but never tried to calm mum down or anything. He was just going to another room and not making any noise.
Everything got even worse when I learned my mum was cheating when I was 13. I saw her texts, saw her plane tickets, even heard her phone talks. Wanted to tell my dad but couldnt, because I felt like if I told him and it triggered his schizophrenia it would be my fault if he does sth. I hated my mum. I always hated lying, I am extremely sincere (maybe too much) and keeping a secret this big affected me extremely. My mum knew that I learned and she told me “are you gonna blackmail me with this, just go tell your father then”. I would never ever blackmailed her but she thinking of this broke my heart even more. I remember feeling extreme pain that I was not able to tell the truth but hoping that my dad was also cheating on my mum at least. So that would be at least a lil bit fair. After years of hating my mum, I no longer hate my mum either. Cant say I totally forgave but I understand that it was not easy for her as well.
health line. com in an article titled How Anxiety can Cause Shortness of Breath And What You Can Do, reads:
I dont know if I can say it as anxiety. I started to have anxiety 3-4 years ago, but that anxiety of mine only triggers when an event happens and it passes, they dont feel in a similar way either. This one never passes, it is not like a panic attack either. It never seems to ease for days, weeks, months. It only eases when I cut contact. During this time my partners actions starts hurting me and disappointing me even more. I understand that I need to break up if I get to the point of hurting my hands by pinching them too strong. ( I hated/ still hate crying, and would never want to cry in front of anyone. So when I was a kid I was looking to the ceiling and pinching my hands very hard, it helps me not cry. My hands burn and they become extremely red with nail marks. This became a habit for me though, and it happens when I am under extreme pressure. The last time this happened was 1 year ago with my last bf so I broke up in the next days)
Dear Anita,
Thank you very much for your response.
the way I understand this is that as a child you received very little emotional care, hardly any.
Yes, my mom and dad had their own problems. My dad didnt really existed for me, I dont remember nothing about him. He was at home but extremely passive never cared for me. And mom was depressed and neurotic. Always yelling at me, beating me and locking me to the cold and dark bathroom.
Also, when you were a child, I imagine that you felt suffocated at home and wanted out, didn’t you?
I hated my home, wanted to leave it every day. Was not able to, so I was never leaving my bedroom. At least I was safer that way. I always wanted someone to save me, just take me by hand and get me out of here. I had daydreams about this saviour significant other every day. He never came, but I became my own saviour and left my home when I was able to. I tried living with roomies but I get suffocated as well. So I am living by myself, I got a cat though. ( I love him and he is like a child to me, he is my everything. However sometimes he makes the suffocation feeling too)
you felt lonely at home with your family, growing up, didn’t you?
I had lots of friends, lovely grandparents and a great aunt and an uncle. But they were not living with us and their feelings are not the same as parents. I still cry when I see advertisements of “mothers’ day” and “fathers’ day” where the kids have loving families. I love socializing with people but I am extremely independent and a loner inside. I never trust anyone truly, never ask anyone for help, I only share problems if I already overcome them. Always paranoid that I am going to love/like a friend/a SO and they will just disappoint me.
limerence is the daydreaming of the lonely child, stuck in an unhappy home, daydreaming of a different kind of home: a happy, loving home.
Yep this is me. Wanted to have a different family or wished I didnt even have a family at all. Better to have none then getting disappointed.
express and process your childhood experience of living in an unhappy home with too little emotional care: this is the birthplace of the craving that drives limerence
Thank you for this, I will do some thinking on this. I tried couple of times over the past years but I was so emotional that I didnt go deep in, I will try again maybe this time is the right time.
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