It is really scary to reach that kind of place. I have struggled with depression all my life, and it sounds like that’s what you might be dealing with. It’s very difficult to get out of that dark and hopeless place when depressed (and it can be clinical depression or situational depression, but it doesn’t matter…it is both very painful and scary). When I’m struggling, it’s more difficult to connect with my spirituality, even though my spiritual practices usually give me comfort and guidance. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I honor your pain, and ask for divine guidance for you to find a way out of that dark and painful place. When I’m depressed all the negative in my life is my reality. But they negativity is mostly the depression talking. The world SEEMS that bad; life SEEMS that bad; but that’s the depression talking. I’m only speaking from my own experience. I wish you well.