Keira, thank you for sharing your challenge. I so resonate with it. Before I got married, my husband said his female cousin was so nice and such a sensitive person. She was total bitc_ to me on my wedding day, very skilled at tearing in public and very mean on several other occassions. He also said his mother was so nice, but I learnt from lots of painful encounters that she was far from nice .. especially to me. Sadly, some people are masters at deception and in some cultures, daughter-in-laws and sister-in-laws pose a threat to their status quo. It took me a long time to stop bending over backwards and being a doormat, to try to have a good relationship with and be accepted by them. It has caused immense problems in my marriage, because my husband refused to see what was happening, even when it was blatantly obvious.
So I’ve learnt to have firm Boundaries, which probably saved me from going insane. I’ve realised that being a people-pleaser leaves me feeling unhappy, drained and nothing I do will ever be enough. I cannot be my best at anything under those circumstances. The lesson for me was that I put my needs and happiness first – not easy with my religion and family teaching that I must be selfless. I choose to be my best and true self, so whilst I am glad my husband’s experience was nice with his family, but thruthfully they were mean to me and therefore do not really care about his well being. Hence I now greet and am polite, but keep my distance from anyone who is mean and disrespects me. My boundaries have also attracted harsh criticism, but that’s because others expect you to do what serves them (keep the peace & be nice, so they don’t have to deal with the problem or mean behaviour) – they are not being selfless.
Loving anyone in a healthy way, requires Self-love. How we treat ourselves, teaches and demonstrates to others, how to treat us. If we disrespect and ignore our own needs, we give others permission to disrespect and ignore our needs. It feels very uncomfortable to be assertive, but it is vital for healthy relationships. Lol! People don’t like boundaries, but they respect you – that’s sooo much better than being in constant pain.

Anita, your advice is a gift and taught me a new perspective. Thank you. No-one else has authority to dictate who is nice or not. I feel so much more empowered trusting my intuition (which has ALWAYS been correct) and using my own discernment.
Mandy