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June 11, 2019 at 2:54 am #298391
Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much, I really love your reply !
Have you ever had a hard time to get over something (bad) you did to someone ?
And how do you deal with the thoughts that imply that I shouldn’t be happy because of it ?
Thank you in advance
June 6, 2019 at 4:12 am #297607Naia
ParticipantHello 🙂
Thank you for your reply
I am sorry, I haven’t realized it’s already been a week since I last posted !!
I am studying all the time so I kind of lost track of time
“it is clear to me that you feel guilty for feeling angry at anyone, as if anger is a bad feeling that makes you a bad person for feeling it.” Yes, I do
I realize it’s perfectly normal for everyone to feel like this sometimes because it’s inherently human. I would never judge someone for it and it wouldn’t change the way I see them
But in my case, I guess it’s different. I don’t like being angry or hateful because I don’t like the thoughts that come out of it if that makes sense ?
When I was angry at my friend for example, I started to wish she didn’t succeed in her projects and I resented her, which never happened before
And I don’t want to be like this, wishing bad things on anyone
“Here is something that happened in your childhood that made you feel like you are a bad person: “she (your mother) put me in my place with words and sometimes it was physical”- I think your place, the place she put you in was the bad-little-girl place”
It’s interesting, I really need to think about that
Thank you for your perspective
“I wasn’t very thoughtful or considerate as a child”, you wrote earlier. But no child is very thoughtful or considerate (in such ways as waiting in line, sharing toys, saying thank you and please etc.), no child on the face of the earth until the child is taught to be thoughtful and considerate.”
Thank you very much 🙂 Yes, it is true
I think I am too hard on myself
May 28, 2019 at 5:25 am #296053Naia
ParticipantHello 🙂
It’s been a while since I last came here.
I wanted to thank you again for all of your advice. That really helped me 🙂
I reread this thread many times, and it’s been a huge inspiration for me. So thank you !
I finally ended my friendship with my former best friend. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done but it’s for the best I think.
We have many friends in common, so I still run into her once in a while but that doesn’t bother me.
Regarding the guilt which was the main topic, I am doing much better and I really think of my mistake as a learning experience, something that allows me to grow. I admit that sometimes, it’s a bit hard and I still judge myself harshly for it but overall the situation has improved.I just try to focus on the present and be the best person I can
Lately however, it’s been more difficult probably because it’s the same time of the year, so I am reminded of what I did.
What bothers me is that sometimes I find myself thinking that I deserve some kind of punishment (karma maybe ?).
For example, I am taking a huge exam in 2-3 weeks, I have been studying really hard for the last 2 years to achieve my goals but those thoughts disrupt me and make me feel like I kind of deserve to fail anyway after what I have done. It’s pretty annoying because I can’t study properly
I don’t know if anyone has experienced the same thing ? How do you deal with these thoughts ? Thank you ! 🙂
September 16, 2018 at 12:44 pm #225937Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, sorry, it’s just she herself said she would have “no scruples destroying lives of whoever hurts her” so I took it litterally.
I said she could be malevolent because last year, she spread rumors about a girl in her class that were absolutely untrue just because she didn’t like her and she was jealous that she got a lot of male attention
Those last year, she became more and more of a bad mouth being judgemental about everyone’s appearance and choices in life. And I discovered she had a bunch of classmate just like her, with whom she could gossip (I am not saying I am perfect, not even close, but I liked that she was so open and non-judgemental, so I am bit disappointed).
I am walking on eggshell because I know there are many subjects I have to avoid (boys, my studies, my classmate …) if I don’t want to offend her. I don’t know, I think I am afraid she will become mean
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This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by
Naia.
September 16, 2018 at 12:04 pm #225921Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
No problem, thank you for your help 🙂
Here is the answer I gave :
I will try to explain how the relationship has deteriorated. I am sorry if it is too long, I am trying to do my best to expose the situation properly.
I have known her for over 10 years ago.
She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities : she’s very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone because she doesn’t like to “share” her friends with someone, especially if she judges he’s “not worth it” and she has a fear of abandonment. She has a big personality
To set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that’s how it works in my country, sorry if that’s confusing). Unfortunately it didn’t work so she’s planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them.
Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school … Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc
Last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend.
I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.
But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she “had been hugely disappointed at me”, that “she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn’t want to be sacrificed.”. She stated I should have know she wasn’t okay because she was stressed that she wouldn’t manage to get in med school
I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.
She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn’t done her wrong in purpose, but she said she “didnt care”.She explained that she was no longer willing to listen to anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.
Some months later, I got dumped. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him .I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.
At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied “okay, sorry. Unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to”
I don’t know, maybe I am being incredibly selfish here but I don’t understand her reaction and I feel disappointed too. Those events damaged our friendship. We still talk every other day, but I don’t feel like opening to her anymore. Regarding her studies, I have been here for her because she had a lot of exams in may/april and she went through a stressful period. My break up was in march and she never asked how I was doing, not even once. I think I resent her for that, but again, I don’t know if that is selfish of me.
I just didn’t think our frienship was like that :/ If I felt temporarily neglected by a friend because she had a boyfriend and it was all “shiny and new”, I would have been confident she would come back to me at some point. So I think I would just have backed off, and find others friends to hang out with before she came back. I don’t know if that makes sense ?
And if she was going through a break up, I surely hope I would have been here for her
I don’t know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is not the same.”
September 16, 2018 at 11:04 am #225895Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
I am refering to a post I made on August 30 in this thread, I could copy-past it for you if you want ? I was answering Prash
Well she’s not really destructive to me but I can feel that she is quite jealous sometimes because she undermines everything I do
I am constantly walking on eggshell because if I seem too enthusiastic about my life, I know she is going to make some sarcastics comments. But I don’t resent her for that, she is not really satisfied with her life, I empathise and I do my best not to talk to her about any of my “successes”.
Regarding those employers who declined her application because she hadn’t the diploma required, she typically became really bitter (even though her application was not admissible) to the point she invited herself to a party she knew they attended and started to brag loudly about her success, a study and a book she was going to publish, and she mocked the employers because they “didn’t even compare”.
They didn’t seem to care, because they probably thought that was petty.
September 16, 2018 at 7:45 am #225865Naia
ParticipantI just read this and I find it edifying :
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/5-keys-emotional-independence-fiff/
especially those sentences : “You are responsible for your own emotions.””You are responsible for managing your own emotions” and “if you consistently experience unhealthy emotions that influence your actions, it is up to you and you alone to manage your moods to minimize their destructive impact on the people you love.”
Maybe I went through that experience to realise this ?
September 16, 2018 at 7:20 am #225853Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your insight ! 🙂
“In other words, you are kind to others because you fear them.” If there is some truth to this sentence, I would like to try to nuance it : I think that perfectly applies to the relationship I have now with my best friend, in the sense that I would like to detach myself from her but at the same time, I feel guilty for even feeling like this and yes, a part of me fears her reaction.Right now, I am just trying to focus on my studies and I talk to her less and less… But I am not as firm as I would want to be because I apprehend her reaction
I feel trapped because I want to leave but at the same time, I know how destructive and malevolent she can be if you upset her
But generally speaking, I wouldn’t say I am kind and polite because I fear people’s reaction if I behave otherwise. That was not the case with my best friend before those events. When I dislike people, I am mocked because I am usually “not mean” even when I think I behave “unkindly” or “inconsiderately”. Do you think that is because I subconsciously try to avoid theirs reactions if I offend them ?
Generally, I don’t think I care or fear people’s reaction enough to let it dictate my behavior honestly. I am not mean to people I dislike because I don’t want to and I think it’s bad to hurt others.
Actually, I have another best friend, that I have known for over 10 years as well (I met them all at once) and she’s the sweetest person I know. Our personalities are similar because she is shy, introverted, not assertive as well…
And although I don’t “fear” her reaction if I harm her, I can’t even imagine myself doing that without hurting :/
Yet, I fear my former friend as you pointed it out. And I used to fear my mother when I was a child
“But angry inside you take revenge, such as in the case of sending that email to the company. Interesting, how it is you who is taking the revenge you are afraid others will take against you” Yeah, what I did was really really awful :/
I still feel bad about it … And you are right, I did take revenge 🙁 I think that has something to do with the fact I wanted to force an end to the friendship without confronting her, which is incredibly cowardly…
I felt like if I did this, then the friendship would definitely be over. Because you can’t be “friends” with someone if you are able to harm them ! I don’t know if that makes sense
A part of me want to end the friendship because that brings out the worst in me (I feel angry, resentful although I don’t want to feel that way about anyone) and I can’t be genuinely happy for her as I used to. I am sure that anger will turn to indifference in time but first, I have to let go
If you want to read about it, I explained about 16 days ago in that thread how my relationship with my friend went south. If you are interested, would you have a look ?
Thank you ! 🙂
September 15, 2018 at 9:56 am #225813Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
I am so sorry for my late reply, I was on vacation and I completely forgot to answer your questions ! I promise I will do my best to give a quick answer !
My purpose is not for you to turn against your mother. It is to get insight so that you can improve your future relationships and live a better life.
Of course I understand. I know some problems we encounter in relationships are related to the one we had with our (dominant) parent and I must say I have reflected on that in many occasions. I don’t think the relationship I had with my mom was (is) completely healthy, and we don’t get along very well these days but that’s another story.
Regarding your questions :
She put others in their place with words.
And she put me in my place with words and sometimes it was physical (i got spanked, or smacked) but I don’t think that was excessive
August 30, 2018 at 3:56 am #223695Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, my mother is extremely sweet, caring and confident at the same time.
She really isn’t vindictive or resentful, but she knows how to put somebody in his place if he behave inapropriately or tries to hurt her, people she cares about or an innocent person
She has been generally kind to me, except when she makes me feel like I am not strong enough
August 30, 2018 at 3:41 am #223689Naia
ParticipantDear Prash,
Thank you for your reply, I will try to explain how the relationship has deteriorated. I am sorry if it is too long, I am trying to do my best to expose the situation properly.
I have known her for over 10 years ago.
She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities : she’s very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone because she doesn’t like to “share” her friends with someone, especially if she judges he’s “not worth it” and she has a fear of abandonment. She has a big personality
To set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that’s how it works in my country, sorry if that’s confusing). Unfortunately it didn’t work so she’s planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them.
Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school … Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc
Last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend.
I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have 🙁 ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.
But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she “had been hugely disappointed at me”, that “she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn’t want to be sacrificed.”. She stated I should have know she wasn’t okay because she was stressed that she wouldn’t manage to get in med school
I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.
She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn’t done her wrong in purpose, but she said she “didnt care”.She explained that she was no longer willing to listen to anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.
Some months later, I got dumped. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him and he said hurtful things to me
I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.
At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied “okay, sorry. Unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to”
I don’t know, maybe I am being incredibly selfish here but I don’t understand her reaction and I feel disappointed too. Those events damaged our friendship. We still talk every other day, but I don’t feel like opening to her anymore. Regarding her studies, I have been here for her because she had a lot of exams in may/april and she went through a stressful period. My break up was in march and she never asked how I was doing, not even once. I think I resent her for that, but again, I don’t know if that is selfish of me.
I just didn’t think our frienship was like that :/ If I felt temporarily neglected by a friend because she had a boyfriend and it was all “shiny and new”, I would have been confident she would come back to me at some point. So I think I would just have backed off, and find others friends to hang out with before she came back. I don’t know if that makes sense ?
And if she was going through a break up, I surely hope I would have been here for her
I don’t know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is not the same.
“
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This reply was modified 6 years ago by
Naia.
August 28, 2018 at 8:08 am #223387Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
I will never thank you enough for your good advice 🙂
1. Indeed, that sounds obvious when you put it that way ! I don’t know why I feel like this, I suppose it’s because I feel like disliking someone is mean, which is totally not. I will try to think about that
2. You are so right ! I know she still cares about me, and she will be very hurt and I don’t want her to suffer …
Plus, a part of me is afraid that she will react badly or take revenge … I know that is silly. I can’t remain friend with people just because I am afraid of their reaction if I leave. That will just confirm that I made the right decision ending the friendship
And there is the fact I still feel guilty for what I have done (even if I feel much better, thanks again 🙂 ) and I feel like I “owe” her now. (I could develop the events that explain why this friendship went south if you want). All those reasons make it difficult to end the friendship
“but all children are not thoughtful or considerate as children, crying when hungry, asking for food when hungry later on, saying: I want this! I don’t want that!” Yes, absolutely
“do you remember specifics of how she taught you to not be assertive, at an early age?” I’ve given this some thought, I don’t know if I remember specifically.
All I know is : one hand she wanted me to respect other’s feelings, to be polite and kind
And on the other hand, shewanted me to be firm and to defend myself when I had to, which I struggled to do.
She said when she was a kid, she was sweet but well aware of her boundaries and didn’t let others walk all over her, like I did
August 28, 2018 at 7:42 am #223383Naia
ParticipantDear Gunter,
Thank you for your reply !
“I also get the impression that you felt extremely disappointed that your friend resented your happiness”, that’s accurate. I could explain the events that seriously damaged our frienship and eventually that led to that resentment if you are interested ? I don’t know if my feelings are legitimate and an external perspective could be helpful !
“you didn’t know how to distance yourself from her. I have the feeling you did what you did because you wanted to force an end to the relationship.” Indeed, I may have done that unconsciously to try to end the frienship because I didn’t have the courage to tell her abruptly that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. But it is such a cowardly act :/
Thank you very much for the good advice, I will really do my best to learn from it and not repeat the same mistake again
How did you manage to forgive yourself after you made mistakes ?
Thanks to everyone here, I feel much better and I think I am on the right path, so thank you all 🙂
August 21, 2018 at 5:26 pm #222449Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
My mother went to see my teachers, even the parent’s bully and did everything she could for me to change school !
but sometimes she would just lose her patience and hold me for responsible because I wasn’t assertive enough :/
August 18, 2018 at 2:51 pm #222047Naia
ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your time, you seem like a benevolent person 🙂
I don’t know if I have the courage to tell her. I think I will just drift away, if that is okay. I haven’t been sharing much with her anymore, we barely talk and I don’t make many efforts to see her. So I guess I have already started to drift away :/
Thank you, they made sure I would not do to others what I would not want them to do to me.
Well, I have been thinking and no, I wouldn’t say they (especially my mother) made me feel like my feelings were important as well.
For example, even though she was supporting me and she did say their behavior was really wrong, she also made me feel like I had my share of responsability because I was not firm and strong enough to confront those kids. She asserted that if I wasn’t afraid and if I faced them properly, they would probably stop. I don’t know if that is true, but I don’t think it is relevant to blame a bullied kid. But of course, she had great qualities otherwise
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This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by
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