i was doing things to prove to my mind.i had felt that i lacked something inside and had done things to prove my worthiness to my mind.it has happened before but not now. i have been thinking over why my actions are very sensitive to my mind i.e if i didn’t do something properly my mind will think that i am not worthy enough to do the next thing also properly. i have to prove my worthiness to my mind to be allowed to do my next work well. this had happened to me in my last 2 years in school. but i have changed now. my actions became a little independent of my mind. i am also able to convince my mind to forgive my mistakes.
But my craziness for reading is not related to this. I think I understood the reason now. I am a slave to my mind. I do exactly whatever it wants me to do.at first my mind was strong enough to avoid things which it liked(my last 2 years at school) but after sometime it became tired like Matt explained and my mind is overindulging in things which it likes most. i should not let this continue because it is not correct to overindulge. i am not performing well in exams because i didnt study for it the previous day.all these happen because i am driven by my mind.i allowed it before because i wanted to take correct decisions,do and achieve things the way they should be done and achieved. but the purpose wont be served if i continue to do whatever my mind tells me to do. so i think the solution could be either my actions have to depend less on my mind or my mind has to be restored so that it will ask me to do reasonable things. can meditation help me restore the strength to my mind?
But i don’t know whether what i am doing is correct. is it okay to be driven fully by mind? i think that people around me wont think so much but they sustain. knowing what is correct thing to do at correct time is not useful for me. i think always of long-term effects of one thing but i would forget about short-term effects of others. generally i wont be able to follow others advice (even doctor’s advice). i would have some reason for not doing whatever he asks me to do. i will be close to perfect in one of my works but zero in my others.i have one more problem -change.if i have to change anything i have to do it consciously..whatever i was 4 years back i am now also i.e technology-wise,look-wise,habit-wise.. is that called life? life is about living and changing. why is it so difficult to change for me? is it because i take every step with so much caution that i forget to be carried away by my friends.. copy from them..do what the world does..i don’t like the word copy so i generally wont do anything which others do. the result is that i am not in any social networking site, still with a first model mobile phone..have not experienced any technology .. but i do like knowing new technology..all these because people around me have it. i thought it will be like copying if i too have them. wont the world be simple if i think less? but what will happen if i go in wrong direction? so the ideal condition should be that people around me should be decent so that i can allow myself to be influenced by them.. i should know to differentiate between good and bad without thinking too much.. then i can follow the advice of my parents,well-wishers..the problem with my mind is that it would just say that it is not right for me to create an account in Facebook or twitter. is that correct? should we check and wait for correct place and time for every thing? may be yes. but my mind cannot take everything into account while making a decision..there may be many angles in which mind has to see.. my mind didn’t see that the world is running towards technology..this is fashion these days.. you will be left behind if you don’t follow the world..but this sounds like threats to me.. but in life we should not do things out of fear to be left behind.. life should be joyous.. so if i think less,be influenced,follow advice of my well-wishers, praying god that i can find the difference between good and bad,restoring my mind’s strength so that it doesn’t feel sorry to stop reading a book, my actions not driven so much by my mind, will i be able to live happily and achieve something..?will that put an end to my problems..?