However I actually took mos if the advices you shared with me earlier and i used the guilt to get rid if some of the unpleasant habits. Im trying to change things maybe slowly but surely and part if me us honestly thankful for the bad experience i believe it was necessary to make me be better version (even though i low key wish it could’ve been done in a less ugly way. But its what it is)

Dear Anita,

Its ok i guess part of the consequences of my behaviour.

no i didnt do any of that to him. But i see myself as a monster because im ashamed of how I treated him after this affair as I mentioned to you in my earlier posts (i.e screaming at him, not accepting him, etc)

Hi Anita,

yes thats is correct because i never exhibited such traits during the first 2.5 years or anytime in my life prior to the abusive affair that took place. I became a monster after that and i guess I unleashed a side of me i never knew it existed which scared me and still scares me. Which is why im in constant disbelief of what happened. Anyway i guess its a shadow self i have to deal with

best

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. Actually what you wrote helped  me alot during these months and i keep getting back to it ( thats what sustained me during the past 5 months or so), Yet sometimes i just feel like im back to point zero.

thats what’s bothering the fact that it looked like i looked down on him which was not me which was jot true during the first 2.5 years i didnt care and i still dont care as much as the fact that he was very reliable on me and how i acted the last year or 6 months prior to the end of the relationship.
actually i thought about the job part. But no, now i have a stable thriving career and its been almost 11 months so it feels stable. My regret stems from what I’m seeing other people are going through and it just hits me that maybe im the one who deserves there pain because i hurt someone who is good. The thing is i dont know if good is the word anymore sometimes i feel maybe he just put a show to please me not to lose me and maybe if he showed me his real personality i would have cut it short from the strat.

i hope i make sense. If not, im just venting

thanks

Dear Anita sure thing. I have just commented on it to top it as a thread its called “ex wants another try” i hope youa re able to see it now

best