Dear Anita

“And all along I was focused on her, feeling empathy for her and none for me, feeling and believing I was worthless and undeserving.” – I thought about what you said over the weekend.. its uncanny how your words echo what I went through and feeling now.

I used to hate making her angry. After a big fight, when we used to go into our respective rooms, I used to come back and knock on her door to see if there was any chance of a reconciliation before we slept. I did this because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the feeling of sadness that I hurt her. I cannot remember even once when she responded positively to that, sometimes, not even opening the door.

It was such an awful cycle of sadness and guilt. With her gone, I don’t miss that but as you said, I focused so much on her, trying to empathise with her, that I now feel empty, with no where to focus except my mind telling me that I probably wasn’t upto her standards.

Anita,

Thank you for your words.

Looking back at when I was growing up, I cannot remmeber times that I did not upset my mother and the consequent silent treatment or hitting that came from her. As I child, I never knew what upset my mother, what triggered her to dislike me. I usually tried to band-aid it up with a quick apology in the form of doing chores, crying for her apology or making sorry-cards for her. When I reflect on this, it was coming from a place where I yearned for validation from her.

As I grew up, I feel like I upset her intentionally with words to get attention. And then the cycle of silent treatment and my apology started yet again. Neither of us acknowledged this as a repetitive behaviour or enquired why either of us were doing this. I always just felt I was never good enough (compared to my brother) and that pushed me to always try and excel at school and whatever else. Then I would get burnt out and take it out on her and it all starts again…

I don’t think my mother ever liked me as a person. My mother is from a more conservative upbringing where there is a distinction between males and females but I have grown up to be assertive and opinionated..and this understandably didn’t sit well with her core values.

To answer your question, I feel guilty because now I am left with never having been a good daughter although I am aware that her validation would not heal any wounds anyway. I feel guilty because I didn’t know any better to break this cycle of abuse. I feel guilty that I was not empathetic enough towards her to see what was prompting her behaviour. This guilt is not allowing me to process my grief towards her. I also feel guilty that I have anger towards her for destroying my childhood by denying me the validation that children need to grow and consequently I have trust issues and never think I am enough.

This is made worse by what people see on the outside. I am a successful medical professional, satisfied by my purpose in life, married to a great husband and seem to enjoy my life. But at the end of the day, I cry tirelessly because I don’t know if I ever figured her out. If I actually just made mothering me very difficult that all she could do was dislike me.

I know how much worse others have it. And that also adds to my guilt..as if I am too priviledged to feel so strongly about something that is in the past and cannot technically hurt me anymore. I am not someone who is subjected to abuse every day like my others do.

I was handling this duality in my life fine until she passed away and these unexpected feelings of guilt and anger have come up.

Sorry if that seemed like a rant anita.

How does your mother’s behaviour towards you make you feel guilty? I am hoping to feel like I am not the only one and that it is ok to give it the value it deserves.

NB