Hi Anita,

I’ve been to therapy in the past, the therapist has suggested I move out of my parents house, it would make things easier for me.  My mother and I have a love hate relationship.  I agree she isn’t the best person to go to for advice because she has no dating experience and is still somewhat culturally backwards.

I also will try to incorporate some recent photos and rewrite my dating profile discription to include something about the weight issue and being successful at with my career.

A passive man will most likely will not be attractive to me. Part of the reason is my father, he is so nonchalant and doesn’t care about anything except for his work.  He doesn’t care what the house looks like, what we do all day, where we are, there’s no planning, there’s no activities. I do not want a father like that for my kids or a life partner for myself. I prefer someone who is balanced. Someone who is focused when they are at work but also gives their family time. Someone who plans dates, someone who is romantic. Someone that creates some excitement in my life and doesn’t settle into a boring routine for the next 50 years.   It’s bad enough we do a routine Monday thru Friday, I’m not looking for a party animal, just someone fun.  Someone that takes initiative. Although I’m a leader at work, a part of me doesn’t want to be that in a relationship. I want the man to take charge. Make plans, give me options. Ask me to go do stuff.  Take the lead. I want to feel taken care of, mentally and emotionally.

My relationships have been a train wreck and then some.   My first relationship was when I was 15 yrs old. I met him online in a chatroom, he was 7 years older than I was.  He was the first guy I ever talked to.  My first kiss, my first boy friend.  It lasted a really long time, off and on for 6-7 years. He was a pathelogocal liar, cheated on me, treated me like garbage.  I felt that I had to be with him no matter how he treated me, when he wouldn’t answer my phone, I would keep calling him till he answered or turned off his phone.  He cancelled plans all the time, I would beg him to see me.  Every time I tell him I can’t do this anyone he would make things better and then slowly go back to treating me like garbage. Used me if he needed me for something.  Kept everything a secret from me, his friends, his family, never knew anything.  He kept it all a secret from his friends as well   Till one enough was enough I felt mentally tortured by him and I decided to change my number and I cut off all ties with him.  Our relationship was never “normal”  we never did couple things. When I was 15 he was 22 so we mostly hung out at home or in the car or saw a movie. Never met each others family or friends  till I got older and wanted to do more of those couple activities he just became secretive. He also could never hold a job and was too narcissistic. Always worried about what he looked like and spent 3 hours in the gym each day.  I grew up and finished school and started working and realized there’s more out there.

After him I didn’t date for a long time till I met someone when I was 27, it was a long distance relationship. It became serious, we were together for 1.5 yr, I found out he cheated or atleast was talking to other women.  I found messages on his iPad.  He begged me to take him back and I did but he thought I was going to cheat on him, he became so possessive. He also lied to me about small things, he liked to me about his job as well.

Most seeious relationships I’ve been in have ended horribly, I seem to pick men that cheat on women, after the long distance relationship the guy I dated for 6-7 months had a GF of 6 years and was dating me, I had no idea.   He manipulated me or any red flag questions I had  he met my friends was involved with them  introduced me to his cousins,  took me to his work.  He was a sociopath.  He had two phones, one for me and one for his other gf.  When he was with her, he would give his phone to his friend to text me or snap chat me, so I would think he’s at his friends place.   He spent an entire night with me and woke up to go to his engagement party the next morning.  Told me his dads in the hospital, he won’t have service.  When I asked to come with him he said he doesn’t want to introduce me to his mom at a time like this.   When I found out everything, I told the other Woman.  She didn’t care, it’s something he’s done before to her.  They both, threatened my life, I had to file a police report since he knew where I live.

After that I took a long break from dating and men. Since then I’ve spoken to people and dated here and there with breaks in between.  I haven’t had luck.  Seems like things go really well and then come crashing down in a moment.  It’s disheartening.  I’m tired, exhausted and almost ready to give up.  I don’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over, get to know someone, things go good then they go bad, meet someone new and repeat.  What I’ve told you is only 10% of the things that have happened, Ive been through a lot of heartache. I’m not sure how I still believe in love, but I do.  I part of me is still hopeful that there is someone out there that will one day I will be with and be happy with.

Hi Anita,

I’m glad you understand what it’s like to be from such a culture and what this pressure entails. Wish you and I or anyone for that matter didn’t have to go through such cultural pressures. The only thing you can do is learn from your past experiences, which it seems like you did, it’s a tough thing to go throug I’m sure. One thing that I’ve always told myself is that I will never give in to such pressures and settle for someone just because I’m “old” by society standards. I still want to feel in love, appreciated, protected and most important of all, happy. 

My parents and I have conversations all the time. By parents I mean my mother and I, as fathers in my culture don’t really speak to their daughters about their personal life as much, at least not in my house. I do live with them, as it’s culturally appropriate till I get married.  I don’t have any restrictions, I come and go as I please.  They know I date, they don’t meet everyone I date.  Believe it or not, I’ve never introduced any man to my parents.  I’ve told them about a few serious relationships I’ve had, my moms spoken to one or two of them on the phone/FaceTime but haven’t met anyone in person. My parents also try to introduce me to men, as we call them “rishtas”. Where a family member or friend referred a guy and his family seeking a match for their son or daughter, an arranged marriage if you would.  However, in my case we would get to go out and see if we are comparable and take our time to decide, but it would definitely move at a much faster pace than an average relationship. But the problem with these rishtas is the men my parents show me are no where near my type.  I am not the least bit attracted to them.  It’s not like I am vain or didn’t give it a shot. For example with this one guy I who I was not attracted to at all but decided to get to know because everything else was there that I wanted.  We went out many times but nothing sparked for me. I tried. My parents often make me feel guilty when I turn someone down.  My mom sometimes has used harsh words against me such as “ you’re no super model” and “you should take what you can get”.  I’m not sure if she means those things or says it out of frustration.  She also constantly tells me to lose weight and maybe I’ll find a better guy.  Maybe that’s where my insecurity about my weight comes from.  In Indian culture thin women are the definition of beauty.  My mother has always been thin her entire life and sometimes she hardly eats so she doesn’t gain weight.  I don’t want to do that to myself. I love food and enjoy going out. I try and eat healthy at times and exercise but don’t make it my priority. If it was affecting my health I would,  I’m a healthy person per my doctor.  Yes, I could lose weight and be skinny, but I’ve tried to do that my entire life and I’m just tired of it.  I don’t want to try anymore. I want to just live my life now as I am, and it I lose it in my routine then so be it.  

I think one of the biggest issues I have with dating is that I get so involved with the person fast.  They also reciprocate the feelings, but when they pull back even a little bit, I start overthinking and over analyzing and I start to ruin everything.  I also just have tunnel vision about getting married, probably because that’s all my parents and family think/talk about.  I also think it’s because that’s what I want deep down as well but I want it with the right person, not just for the sake of getting married. 

The Relationship Resume is a great name! Everyone should have one. My objective of a relationship is to feel loved. For so long I’ve had a void in my heart, I’ve felt like no one is my person, no one is truly there for me, no one truly has loved me and no one has understood who I am as a person. I want someone that won’t play games, is mature and ready to settle down, eventually get married and wants kids. I always do so much more than others do for me in a relationship.  I want to have someone to do the simple things with like go to the movies, dinner, stay in and watch tv, lay in bed and cuddle. I want a partner to travel the world with because I love to travel. I want someone who is financially secure or at least has potential. I want someone who will accept me as the person I am and be loyal, caring, family oriented and honest.    I want someone who has a bright personality and doesn’t anger easily, someone who will ask me what’s wrong when I’m upset.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply.  I do plan to better myself and work on my issues. God knows it’s a struggle.

I know you can only go based on what I’ve told you, but I’ve also left out little details or else I would have written a novel. When he was telling me it won’t work he mentioned that every time his phone buzzed I asked him who it was or if it’s a girl, I assume that bothered him since brought it up. But I thought it was a joke between us! Because his phone buzzed at 3am once and I asked who is texting you this late, I felt it’s a valid question because at that point we’d talked about how we wanted a serious relationship and how we both weren’t speaking to anyone else  moreover he has informed me that he deleted his dating app that we met on because he found me. He said he was just plugging in his charger. So it sort of became a joke, so we would every so often ask each other  that when we heard the phone beeped as a joke  or atleast I thought was a joke.  To be honest the only reason I’m questioning contacting him is because he accepted one of my insecurities that he didn’t even know I have.  I’ve gained some weight since my last break up. He’s a very fit guy and I didn’t think he would like me but after we met he told me he found me very attractive and he wants me to stay the way I am and don’t worry about losing weight and all or stress about it.   It was so refreshing to hear that when all the men I’ve recently talked to have told me things like “you would look hotter if you lost a few pounds” (yes a jerk actually said that to me).  I’ve been insecure about my weight since I was in high school.  I lost a lot of weight, so gaining some back has been devastating for me.  I liked that he didn’t seem to care and told me I’m beautiful.  We also have similar life views and life styles.  What we want in the future, the end goals, how we would eventually want to raise a family. We had a lot of good things going. Chemistry was there, I’m very much attracted to him as well, and as you already know we can talk for hours and not run out of things to say.  I just feel if I reacted differently when he told me let’s move plans from Tuesday to Wednesday it would be different. I unconsciously assume that he didn’t like me and is trying to cut ties and I put up a wall and don’t want to get hurt, that’s why I told him let’s take things slow. Which he said why? And was confused that I decided not to come over and called me dramatic. But it was me just trying not to get hurt again.  He had mentioned the day before, wow that’s a lot of days we are spending together, you will get bored of me. So maybe that scared him? I also feel like I shouldn’t have invited him to my friends thanksgiving, although I left the choice to him I think he liked me and felt pressured into saying yes.  When he was “breaking up” with me (at least that’s what it felt like) he said it’s too much pressure and I feel like we’ve been dating for years.  I think everything on top of our like phone arguement just made him snap and question everything.   Although I do agree that he could have taken a moment to think about stuff and not made a hasty decision but that would be the pot calling the kettle black.  Deleting me off Instagram was childish, especially if it’s not your real account, he just posts pictures of things none of himself but why block me?  I know it seems as if I’m defending him, perhaps I am, but I can’t figure out  if I want to contact him because he truly hit a cord in my heart or because I’m lonely. I’ve thought about him nonstop the past two days and I’ve been thinking about emailing him. I feel a little misunderstood because I was “dramatic” to him  I want to explain my side of what caused me to act that way. I won’t except anything but just to be understood better. In your opinion do you think that’s a good idea or what are your thought after you read this?

I can’t help but blame myself, wondering if I ruined this.  Should I not have reacted like that and simply agreed when he changed plans? I feel so miserable right now.  Im not even sure if it’s him I miss or the fact that I don’t want to be alone anymore. I feel like I sabatoge every single relationship I’m in or anyone I speak to.  I’m not sure what to do to change this or if this was even my fault.