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    I am resurrecting this topic many months later: I am 7 months pregnant with our first child – we went through a lot of loss in the 2 years that my mother ghosted me: several miscarriages, devastating loss of one of my horses and dogs (all of which she knew about but didn’t reach out even though she lives 200 ft away). She also had some friends/inlaws that passed and I reached out via e-mail, as well as on her birthday, to offer support.

    Now she knows about my pregnancy and sent an e-mail offering her help and an antique crib. I am torn in how to respond after 2 year of her ghosting. I have discussed this in therapy but I am still so confused. I am not OK with not telling her how much she hurt me, but I also don’t trust her and am equally not comfortable in being that vulnerable again.  I know that any hint of conflict, she will refuse to see me, OR fake her way through, saying everything is ok and then run to her toxic best friend and retell the story with her own martyrdom twist.



    Thank you! I am still struggling with the new reality that my own mother won’t be a part of this journey.

    One of my aunts has sensed that there is some tension going on between my mother and I (my family loves gossip and drama), and she asked what happened. In the past, I would have vented away, looking for support and giving all the details, but instead I just said ‘I hope you can respect the fact that I am taking the high road and do not want to discuss it’. If  she hears it from the ‘horse’s mouth’, that is one thing, but it won’t be coming from me.

    I have also realized that even though many people will side with you face-to-face and seem supportive, they will often run to the other party immediately after and do the same. I am sure there is a proper word for it! and I am sure it links back to the primitive need for people to like us.

    It is my birthday this week so it will be interesting to see what happens. If my mother does not acknowledge it all, I think I will know that is a final nail in the coffin to move on and she is not a person I want in my life. I have a feeling she will passive aggressively leave me a gift though! 🙂


    you’re absolutely right anita:

    she has been ignoring you every day, about 35 days and going, because she wants you to hurt

    should I just move on and not try to address it?

    and yes, we are expecting a baby!



    hi anita, It has now been 5 weeks since this all started and I had hoped I would become more OK with it but I find it more painful and hurtful as time goes on?

    It’s challenging right now because my husband and I are working so hard in the evenings/weekends to build our own barn and move the horses home, but for right now, they are still on my mother’s adjacent property. Hopefully within the next month they will be moved! I see her watching me care for them from her window every morning and night and the other night she stopped in the barn to visit the horse and totally pretended she didn’t see me when I was feet away. I said hello but she didn’t respond. I was so angry after she left, I wanted to go to her house, knock on her door and scream at her, and say how immature she was and what did she think this was going to do? I practised some serious self-control and didn’t but I still struggle to believe she is acting this way. I am honestly afraid to open my mouth right now to her because I am so angry (and hurt!)

    I still have not sent her a message because I still have this feeling that she will feel she ‘won out’ and I KNOW she will forward it to everyone who will listen. Ugh.

    On another great note we are expanding our family and that is bringing up so many more feelings of hurt and betrayal from her. I don’t know if I am gaining some self confidence from this experience because I find myself thinking/saying ‘she doesn’t even deserve me in her life’…or maybe this is a self-protection mechanism? I said to my husband recently that I think she just taken it too far this time, I don’t know that I can forgive her and move past this treatment.


    What I mean is that by trying again and again to have a relationship with your dishonest mother (dishonest with you), you had to compromise your own honesty. In other words, she rejected your honesty and you wanted a relationship with her-> something had to give, and that something was your honesty: honesty with yourself and with her.

    When your honesty with yourself is compromised, honesty in all your relationships is compromised. I suggested ending contact with her and healing, becoming aware of who you are, what you are about, becoming more and more honest with yourself and so, being able to have honest relationships with others, from strangers to friends to a romantic partner.

    Thank you anita for the clarity. I think in the end, this experience will carve me to be stronger and more independent of others’ opinions.



    thanks for your reply Jan.

    If he puts dog poop in your car, then it is YOU who should be saying something to him, NOT your mother

    yes I absolutely did address it in person with him?

     To be stating that your mother doesn’t love you because of these events is somewhat self-involved, I think.

    did I say that? I don’t think so, but maybe I missed it?

    I know for a fact she is being coached by her best friend who has a terrible non-relationship with her daughters. So I truly don’t think her actions are all of her own. I keep hoping she will ‘see the light’ and realize how damaging this behavior is.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good relationship with her, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go no contact

    The issue is more the dishonesty and lack of respect, more than her boyfriend. He has been like this for 10+ years, it’s nothing new. And I don’t think that will change, it’s been about 3 years of lying to me to avoid discomfort.

    Have you ever been treated like this? If not, it’s incredibly hurtful and damaging. I just don’t feel like I can suddenly reach out to her and brush it all under the rug. I said to my husband on the weekend that as each week passes I don’t feel like I can forgive her.


    I have to admit this week was the most difficult, I think I am grieving our relationship and realizing finally that she cannot be the parent I wanted and I know I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone that refuses to discuss issues or resolve conflict. I realize the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, which I never thought she would resort to.

     form the honest relationship you need with someone else.

    What are you thinking of here – with another ‘motherly’ figure? Or just in general. Thanks <3


    send her a message saying that sometime after she initiated the silence between her and you, you found out that silence is just what you need from her

    My only concern here is that I feel like we are in a power struggle – I know without a doubt that she is being coached by a very mentally unwell friend to not ‘give into’ me (=any communication), – so I almost feel like if I send a message she will feel like she won. I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t matter?

    and let her know that if she initiates contact with you before that further notice, you will not respond to her

    and please entlighten me if I am off base, but I kind of see this as doing the same thing as she is doing to me?

    I would never give her the silent treatment, with each day I just can’t understand she has turned into this kind of person.


    “if you say to her anything that has the hint of conflict, she will not hear you.” – you are so right anita! I understand it in my heart and I do still kid myself that she will come around so to speak, but….

    I don’t think Scenario # 1 or 2 is  healthy for me. I feel like no matter what I say or how carefully I construct a thought, it will be interpreted by her as a confrontation. I am almost sure she will say something like, ‘what can we do to move forward?’, to which I still feel, is having an honest relationship, which doesn’t seem to be possible for her at this time.

    For choice # 3 – how do I verbalize that? Or do I just ‘do it’.


    Thank you Anita for your reply. I appreciate your support. Thank you for reminding me of the separation/individuation stage.

    I am actively working on building my own barn for our horses so that should be finished within the next month.

    I agree: the silence is an opportunity of some kind for myself.

    I guess that is my biggest question at this time is when the time comes that we come into contact with each other, what do I say? I agree with extending the silence part but I know she will ask for more.

    The personal need I have to ‘call her out’ on things is slowly fading. What I WANT to say are things like: “Obviously you don’t love me so let’s just keep this going, it seems like that is what you want”, or /”What did you think would happen by pretending I didn’t exist?”

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by NeW.
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