The only strong parental relationship I have is with my mother. My father was an alcoholic abuser, now an absentee. Friendships I had at home in retrospect were quite fake.

Of course I know it is not actually “work-til-you-die”. This is how it feels however. I have no professional education nor do I have the time to secure a degree. So for a low-income welfare-dependent life such as the one I lead there is not much hope of change within the next 5 years. I say five years because my daughter would be in school by then so I would maybe have time to pursue a degree.

The meds and therapy were for treating supposed depression. My mother insisted that my sadness at becoming a father (and by extension a quasi-husband to her emotionally abusive mother) had to be rooted in clinical depression. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with that.

I don’t mind taking care of my little girl. But cleaning up spit-up, changing dirty diapers, and waking up to an infant’s wailing is not an adventure. It is basically Purgatory. I never wanted kids but I feel guilty even saying that.

Is it wrong to not want kids even after my unplanned baby has arrived?

I sometimes think that if I was with a different person that it might be more tolerable. But every time I try to break it off it turns into tears and my begrudging continuance of our toxic relationship.

I need to be there for this girl but her and her mother are a package deal. (Her mother has assured me she will move back to her home state, file for child support and sole custody rather than let me be with someone else.)