Most days I do feel it has been the right decision to end the marriage.
I don’t know how to properly express this… but I have learned to see that the “alcoholic” man ruled by ego is not really who he is. I do believe we are all equal underneath, all we are all capable of finding the path to peace. I think that is what makes it hurt. To see someone I care about stuck in his own self imposed hell.

I used to think that “he” was a messed up person. I used to think I was a messed up person. I was able to see that I learned the ego ways, and I learned how to detach from all of that and find peace,. I am not a better person than he is, or anyone else. I just now look at things differently.

My struggle was in realising that living with someone who is not self aware, was dragging me back into the abyss.
so I feel selfish.

Harmony, I’m glad to hear from people as well! It felt like I was the only one going through this, and since it’s a personal journey, I have been surprised to hear familiarity from anyone else!

“I’m not okay with that” is a simple place to start. So is “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Like me, you may discover that standing up for yourself has an interesting cause and effect. In my case, I could almost “see” the respect on my H’s face when I did it.

I dont know if this would help you, but I did actually tell my H that I had decided that I owned my own sense of self worth, and I was willing to defend it, if necessary.

I used the “true, not true” a lot with him for a few weeks. This is where you ask true or not true of statements others make about you, who you are as a person, or what they perceive you to be. We had similar conversations over and over. “I accept that you may see me uncaring, or xxxxxxx You are free to do that. It’s not true for me, but I am sorry you feel that way”.

It was a way that I could assert myself without being confrontational about it. And I was making it clear that what I thought about myself was NOT in his control. Which was my goal. It also helped me to see where I was really truly following my values. Because sometimes the answer was “true”, I was not behaving according to my own values. It is good feedback for me, in a way. BTW he has started doing this himself, with co-workers.

As for the drinking… it is my H’s source of failure, shame, and yet his coping mechanism to numb the pain of failure and shame.
I know he feels powerless as well. I went to a few Al-Anon meetings. I stick to that. I won’t cover up, enable, or help in anyway.

Something else I struggle with.
as a husband, the drinking is a dealbreaker.
as a person, I care about him, and he is doing his best. Compassion instead of judgment.

It’s true, for me, to say that a person with an active addiction is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. So it’s a boundary for me, to invest relationship emotions in someone who is not capable of returning the partnership.

That translates for me, into caring about the person he is, but “firing” him as a husband. Expectations removed, it just is what it is.

Hi Donna
I can really relate to what you wrote about frustration at wanting to control the world!!
I’m sorry things are not going so well for you, a new environment can be difficult!

I did not have much luck with boundaries either, until I started just not really “talking” about them, but calmly just DOING them. It’s not easy to be around someone who is negative all the time. I know this sounds bad, but I started limited my “interactions”. I would sit in the same room every evening, but plug in headphones to my computer, listen to relaxing music and read, or do meditations. The time to myself was a hard habit to break, but it is what made a big difference! Affirmations also helped to keep me from “thinking” all the time about how to control things.

Really working hard on my sense of self worth is key for me. I have built myself up to believe I am strong, capable, and in control of my life. Which satisfies my need to control… I just turned it towards me. I feel like I have the “power” I wanted, I told myself that I do. I use it to DECIDE.

I have a process I use.
Someone may say something negative.
I decide if it’s true or not, for me. (I’m not always rude, or don’t care about anything, for example)
If it’s not true, then I decide to nod, and allow them to feel whatever they are feeling.
And I decide NOT to allow their negativity to affect me.
I still say it out loud.
That is not how I feel. Feelings are like radio waves in the air. I will let those ones pass me by. I decide not to focus in on those ones, and I will “tune in” to my own good feelings.

The drinking is still an issue for me. I get anxious about it, and I think I will for a long time. I tell myself over and over that he is free to do whatever he wants with his life.
It is slowly becoming easier.

Another book that was really helpful to me was The Voice Of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I had to read it 3 times to get the whole message through to my ego brain, but once it took hold, the way I look at the entire world changed!

It helped me see that my personal view of the world is just that. Mine. And the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing. Seeing things through their perspective.
Where I was going astray was assuming that my view of the world (how I wanted things to be) was better, right, and I had attached myself to it. So when things didn’t go that way, I felt pain. It is astounding to realise that billions of people are all doing the same thing. Self awareness gave me something to tie into to. That we are all connected, but not by our own personal views of the world, but by something much bigger.

Personal views. There is a chapter in the book that explains watching your life on a movie screen. You can sit in the theatre, and watch yourself from your point of view. It looks just like it should, to you.

If someone else came into the theatre, like your mother, they might disagree on the view. That’s not really how you are! Your closest friend would also say “that’s not you”.

The truth is, people only see glimpses of us, during the time we spend with them. And they form their own opinion of who you are based on those short interactions. No one person has watched your “movie” from the second you were born , and since they can’t also hear your thoughts, they would never get the full movie, and no one person can KNOW you or your story. Besides, they are busy directing their own stories, movies. Trying to get everyone in their movie to act a certain way. Including you. They interact with you for awhile, and they form their own opinion, based on their own life experiences, and history.

In our movie, we want the people to act a certain way. We are the directors, after all. They come into our “focus”, into our movie, and we want it all to play out according to our script. It’s our story. But it’s an impossible task, since they are doing the SAME thing in their minds. And we don’t really know them, do we?

Can you see where I had a lightning bolt moment? I am causing myself suffering — feeling pain and loss because the actors in my movie just won’t see things my way?
They cannot even begin to see my story the way I do, since every single person is unique. No two people have the same experiences, history.

This is where I decided that YES, it’s my story. And since I am the director, then I get to make it whatever I want! I started to look at people differently. It wasn’t so personally wounding anymore. They were just trying to get LIFE to fit into their movie too! I could not see any possible way I could ‘win’ at getting others to see my point of view, my story, my movie. Then one day, I had the thought: And what if I did? Who was I to think that MY way was better?

This is where I got stuck for awhile. The Intimacy Factor booked helped me to understand what I was seeking by trying to make others see my point of view. I was also adopted. I had some childhood issues ingrained, the CD behavior was the result of it. I had not felt accepted, that I was good enough, and I was still trying to prove to the world that I was.

It’s not that I “fixed” this, I just accepted it. That’s what it is. Okay. So now what? What’s missing from ‘me’ that I feel the need to prove my way is better? My own sense of self worth. My parents never told me “you are good enough just the way you are and deserving of love”. So I gave that gift to myself. I grew up thinking things were never good enough, and I had to fix them to make them better, so I would get approval! It helped me to feel very peaceful, and greatly eased my urge to fix other people.

Di

Co-dependency for me was the overwhelming urge to fix problems. I had to learn to mind my own business, in a big way. It has always helped me with my career, but ruined my relationships over time.

Compassion. Fits well for me. I can help others, in a different way. Allowing them to be themselves was harder to learn.

Working on myself? I am good at fixing problems. I turned that energy towards myself. I used it to focus on my problems, my issues, and finding solutions to how I wanted to live my life.

My husband and I drifted very far apart, mostly because I changed. I learned some boundaries, and found a sense of self worth, meaning I decided what my values were, and decided to just follow those. It caused a HUGE gap between us, because I began to stand up for myself. Carefully. Choosing when to let things go, and when to speak up.
His first reactions have been to leave. He wants to get a divorce, so he says. I left it up to him. I am not going to continue to take the blame for his actions. He has since changed his mind, he does not want to divorce, and is starting to see how his actions affect others (the basic meaning of being self aware)/. I am okay with whatever happens. I am peaceful with myself, and will be okay alone. I’m open to whatever life has in store for me.

I think codependent people do better if they also work on self esteem at the same time. Which I did. A key for me was believing that I was good enough. I am doing my best. My best is getting better everyday. So I began to believe that I could have a healthy relationship, and I’m not really looking to settle for less than that, at this point.

good luck to you, and know that your best is good enough, in the right situation

After thinking about this for a few days, I found myself reading Deepak Chopra’s book about love. Still not finished it. Having a hard time being interested in getting through it! Of course, the whole message of “being right where I am supposed to be” keeps coming up. But I did have the thought today that maybe I AM learning what I needed to learn, and it will be okay to let this go.

I am concerned about my husband. He says his stress levels are peaked, he needs to do “something” or he will break. He thinks he might go seek some rx from his dr.
I did offer.. what can I do to help? Would it be helpful if I left for awhile? Would it help if we put aside the whole relationship thing? He says that would make things worse.

It did come to light that yes he is stressed, about me and a lot of other things. His life coping is to pretend all is well, and he wants all to be nice and pleasant. The stress? The world (and me) simply isn’t cooperating. Things go wrong with vehicles, traffic, he has a bad sleep, people are rude. I don’t think I help matters. I speak my mind.
When I need to. Not with malice.

A key point we discovered the other day. I spoke up about something he did that I felt hurt about.
I noticed, as I was talking, that he wasn’t listening to me. He was planning what he was going to say next. Really, he was just waiting for me to finish talking so he could talk.
And I was right. As soon as I finished talking, he started to say what he wanted to say. Had nothing to do with what I said.

I re-directed it. I pointed it out. I asked for a response to what I had said. (I had to repeat it) He shrugged. “That’s the way I am”.

I told him that everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. I was looking for him to listen… and say… Sorry about that. I did not mean to hurt you. Then I would have considered the matter closed.

I felt kinda motherly about even asking him for an apology. Yes, that may be the “way he is”. If I blindly accept that, then I really don’t want much to do with him. I wish him well, and hope the best for him. I do get to choose where I invest my emotions.

For some reason, I think this may have tweaked something in him. He is looking for a counsellor this week.

Thank you, Matt.

Overall, I feel.. peaceful. Happy. I sing to music. I laugh more. Work stress is easily managed. Solutions are easier. Great ideas are common.

My husband likes to listen to the Garbage Truck, his version of trying to blow off emotions of others. He has tried some meditations. Overall, he is feeling more anxious, not sleeping, forgetting things, and his general “ability” to have serious conversations is greatly compromised.

Breeze through the nonsense if you can…
An example would be… I told him a few times (3, I think) that I needed to take my son to the dr. last Saturday, and run a few errands. I had told him a few times as he kept asking me “what are the plans for Sat”. He kept telling me on Friday that he might \ maybe have plans with a friend on Sat, going out of town. When I asked him when he planned on getting home, he got upset. He “assumed” that I was making a fuss because he was going out and I was “implying” that he was going to be drinking.
Silly ridiculous fight about it. He refused to talk to me for a few hours after that. Sigh. I tried to tell him that I asked because I needed to know if I should change my plans to look after the dogs if he was going to be gone all day. Nope. Another fight. Don’t worry about the dogs. He will look after them.

Sat. morning, I left for my appts. He was not home when I got back, and stayed out until late. When I asked him about when he finally got home, he said since I took off and didn’t tell HIM where I was going, then it was fair game for him to treat me the same way. Sigh.

With patience, I did remind him that he did know where I was. He just forgot. He is NOT one to apologize. Ever.

But what bothered me more was the way he reacted.
He got very emotional and reactive over things that he chose to do, and misinformation.

Being me, I did tell him that his actions \ words could have been handled in another way. I was very gentle about reminding him of the Garbage Truck, and how he could have chosen to not assume, and having some of his own values (rules) about how to behave works better in the long term.

So it would be fair to say “it doesn’t matter”. I can SEE how he would think I am emotionless and just don’t care. But to argue about his opinion, or his statements about how I feel (the you never, you always, you feel, you think statements) are like garbage that needs to stay on the truck. If they are not true, I don’t feel emotions about the statements. If they ARE true, then I could look at my behavior and make sure it’s aligned to my values.

Today, as I am writing this, the thought comes to me that I am no longer basing my actions on what I think he wants to hear, or what would make him happy. I am basing my actions on what my values are. That is my only guide.

And “something” is telling me, loudly, that ‘caring’ about this stuff is a waste of time.

Yes, I do care about him. As a person. I don’t see him as potential relationship partner, when I don’t see that he is aware of his true identity. (it seems impossible!)

I am struggling with showing compassion, to the person. To the man. I think I may be “blocking” that as I’m not wanting to show marital love. Does that make any sense??
I don’t know how to be “caring” without being a wife.