Dear knowingandgrowing,

What a period of change and growth you’re going through! I can understand your questioning and confusion if the way you percieve the world has fundamentally changed.

I think you’re very insightful to acknowledge that your affair may be a catalyst. I think you will discover its nature in time.

But your main worry is your marriage. I would suggest that you consider couples counseling, not necessarily to save your marriage but to get help in this transition. Maybe between you you can create a marriage that you can both be happy in. Maybe you would both be happier apart. Either way, I suggest you stop looking at the next step as a stay-or-leave decision that is 100% yours, and instead involve your husband in deciding between you the best course of action to take. I’m sure that if things are bad between you he’s aware of it on some level.

To me, divorce is a natural event in some relationships, often if one or both people have changed in opposite directions. There doesn’t need to be abuse, you don’t need permission to divorce. If a relationship is unworkable I think it is an affront to love to stay together unhappy. I can understand that you are also concerned for your daughter, but I think the best thing for her is that both of her parents are happy, which isn’t to say together necessarily.

However, I think a split needs to be handled with care. I will confess my bias: my husband left me some years ago. I’m still not really sure why, and whilst i have come to see that our split was for the best, the unknown is is a hard thing to manage as I get more committed in my new relationship. So I would say: talk to your husband. You were both involved in getting married, you were both involved in making a child. My thought is that maybe you both be involved in whatever happens next.

Wishing you all the best in this exciting and difficult time.