Thank you for your answer Rach. I listen a lot to myself, more so lately than ever. Its making sense of it thats hard. I know deep down the feelings with this man are quite fraught with anxiety because of all the past history. A big problem lies in our communication with each other being difficult. I think we were rarely honest with each other about how the other feels, something im trying to correct. Theres a lot of correcting to do, trying to undo the pattern of interaction that has been the norm for us and make things more honest and more secure with him. I know i love him, im not sure he feels the same about me but i know he cares a lot. Your very right that things happen with ease, and ive always thought that too, if its meant to be it should be natural. Deep down i know the truth, its difficult when you want something very badly , you end up ignoring the warning signs. we re not exactly set up for the best future, but i do want to try. I cant seem to figure out being honest with myself that we re not going make it as were not right for each other and having a self fulfilling prophecy that we wont work due to my own insecurities. Thank you for giving me something to think about.