Hi anita,

I am sorry for the late reply as I have been busy with work the past few days. I had been thinking about what you had said and had tried to formulate some words.

Part of me believes that I was the toxic person as I had perhaps pushed him away a bit. Maybe he got scared when I opened up about all the health stuff I was going through. It was odd he had left for a few days on vacation afterwards and came back like a whole different person and began to complain that I was not writing him enough or letting him do things for me. Had he given me the opportunity I would have tried harder however he did not. Part of me blames myself for the way everything ended up as had I not been sick and constantly exhausted I wouldn’t have ruined my relationship. I have always been a very independent person and try to do things for myself if I can but maybe that was something that irritated him. Maybe I should have just kept that all to myself, however, I felt that I should have explained everything but maybe I ended up overcommunicating and being negative.

At the same time everyone has told me that I am not toxic and I seem to be gaslighting myself. I had tried to communicate and be supportive but whenever I did I was just shut down. I truly think I am a kind person but maybe I was not assertive enough for him. I was always afraid to argue with him as he couldn’t seem to handle it and would just shut down. It felt like I had to walk on eggshells if I wanted to get a point across. He just always seemed so unsure about everything he had to do but he never really seemed like he wanted to work on himself as a person

I have been trying to distract myself from thinking about all of this and not getting caught up in that thought tornado as it is not a good thing. I just keep on trying not to compare myself to this other girl.

Hi Anita and Helcat,

Thank you for replying back! I am new to the community so it took awhile for things to get approved. I look forward to be able to participate more on here as I think it would be a good thing for me.

To be honest I am not quite well. Hopefully I can get to the bottom of what is causing these health issues. It has been extremely stressful with one thing after another, a potential cancer and dealing with an unknown. I feel very frustrated at myself for being distant and did not show as much affection as I should have.

I do feel very guilty over blocking him as I do believe he is a good person. I tend to try to believe that everyone deep down is a good person but some people just seem to have some issues that they need to work on. I think I just feel that he hates me or something as he seemed annoyed I wrote back and was very cold and basically told me to piss off. Its just odd as he was super friendly the week before when I snapped and told him to stop playing games. I know its a stupid worry but its just stuck in the back of my head. All I can think is I am probably not as good as the other girl he ended up with.

Based on the conversation, he seemed to be confused about some things in life and maybe that’s why he reacted that way? It seemed as if he was debating moving back but I honestly don’t get why you’d bother contacting me if you wanted nothing to do with me all of a sudden previously. The whole relationship he was just very confused and was a hot/cold person. He would be super happy to see me one day and then a week later seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me and was always judging me.

I do tend to be a chronic overthinker and an anxious-attachment person. It is something I want to work on. I am really trying not to think about the whole thing but it is quite an enigma.