I used to just go in, do my work (school or professional) and get out… job done, go home and hide… please leave me alone! I apparently don’t know how to dress, look, behave, be grateful… all I know is how to take advantage of people, and I should do more to pay people back…

With all this wonderful lack of self esteem, and constant fear of having to owe someone for anything they give, do or say to me, kept me down and feeling overwhelmed at times. It sounds like what you feel is worse than this, but I hope I can give you some perspective with what follows, if you can relate to the previous statements, if not, please disregard, as I do not mean to tell you i have the answers, or that you need to fix your self, or that I know this is “just what you need to read to get better!” I am just hoping that seeing the following might help spark something positive in your mind
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All that stuff in the beginning, about who I felt I was, was related to constantly being told by a caretaker that I was all those things… those were constant themes…. I never met anyone’s standards, and even if I did, I better keep it that way (like there was no faith I could sustain any success). Essential I had little compassion provided to me.

I had no ambition, no reason to do anything. Then one day I ran into an old friend, who asked me if I wanted to join him and his friends from work (where I ran into him) for a movie. He knew what I had gone through as a child, and maybe knew this is what I needed…. that human interaction started something great.

Does this mean I think you need to run into an old friend, or fall into the perfect social situation to get along with people? No. this helped, but it wasn’t enough to get me totally out of my depression… it was when I finally started talking to people and saying what I felt, not what I thought I should feel. it was when I made real connections that things started to take off. This old friend got me started by inviting my out again, and I talked to those people and started to feel human…. then I started to get back into what I loved, writing, thinking (just thinking about things), looking up strange facts and watching documentaries… I got back in touch with what I loved as a kid.

I am not sure what you can do, but after feeling a little more human around other people, i started to pay attention to me, and not what I was told in the past about me. when I got in touch with myself, things really changed. It has been 14 years, and I still battle with these old emotional weights, but in the mean time, I have married and am finding some success, which is growing better with every weight I finally learn to let go, but it takes time!!! Please hang in there. You need to figure out how to get in touch with yourself, that kid that was perfect, but perhaps never got the chance to shine. think back to your past, to things you used to do, like drawing, playing with legos, pretending to be a dancer…. then go out and try it… go get a drawing pad, a box of legos, or dance in front of the mirror like no one is watching, except that kid inside you. reconnect to that joy inside you, and you will find your way….

Good luck and be loved!