wow! a million thanks guys and i really really appreciate your responses it really helps and makes me feel like I’m not alone, i have been doing a lot of prayer and meditation and the answers are coming, I’m still deciding sole and physical custody, till that happens i am letting it go for now…starting to..its hard as hell to hand over my kids to ex and his family but i have to visualise Im actually handing them over to the care of God and I know God is protecting them, it becomes a part of the unseen its magic He is doing for me what i cannot do for myself that makes sense now,
the guy is looking for a reaction though so that he can record me so pathetic keeps accusing me of taking his things and harassing me over them, keeps demanding he’ll take the kids without telling me where they are going give the guy an inch he’ll take the whole mile this is what’s so hard about reasoning with the unreasonable and all the while i have to be calm and i am being calm i have to for the sake of my kids and karma, I’ve been wearing the dunce cap for too long i.e reacting to narcs and toxic people all my life i know their lil tactics gas lighting hoovering the lot I’m gona just follow my heart now and boundaries yes it is time to break and change this cycle now and I can do this,

its so gruelling though i can’t tell you and its only the tip of the iceberg, i starting to have a manic moment this is another pattern within me just feel like running away escaping but i can’t fix on anything its just feelings feeling feelings-gahhhhh its like labour without any drugs or help!
i literally feel like the chameleon serial bully that he is, is taking me I’m like a drug to him
shut up and put up for how long this is seriously torture

sorry i kind of pressed submit coz the bully just barged into my room to give something to me a towel? err yeh ok more like to see what the hell I’m doing. pathetic.

Anyway this is turning into a rant and I’m not playing victim it may sound a bit like it but he has his warped perspective which is true for him and i have mine, I’m not perfect but all i did was get a job after financial abuse and then he calls a divorce and now he’s changed that story to he’s actually divorcing me over my past relationships?! i don’t know what to pray for now and which direction to go i have two small kids with him and a part of me wants sole custody another part wants him involved but he only wants to parent on his terms (which is total control belittling abusing emotionally mentally) but the scars run deep and can be very traumatic i know i have suffered real bad and only now am i stating to overcome those feelings in adulthood i don’t wish the same for my lil bunnies if I’m perceived as the bad guy so be it i have to do whats best for my kids and I’m the mama so i make the decisions- the kids wouldn’t know what emotional or mental abuse is hell i didn’t and I’m an adult but it was systematic abuse and bullying with a smile abuse that is so debilitating but i survived I’m a survivor and i simply cannot pass this on to my little boys, i do not know what to do as i don’t want to deny my kids of their father but he is a mind game player but then i think that i may become a controlling freak and it may do me good to share as they are in God’s care and i can get my time? and i constantly have this war in my head all the time, about what to do, he really doesn’t want the kids it is only to use them to hurt me and plant vile things in their minds against me i don’t want him damaging them and trying to voice these things to him hell I’m on mute or he goes in to denial, arghhhhh
how i carved this life for myself? but i never regret my kids
my beautiful children i am grateful for if i didn’t have them i’d be so lost right now or probably dead. They are my life and what i live for.