Hi Anita, hope you’re well! I’m attempting to download the Mark Williams meditations but wanted to check Ive found the right one – do you remember if it was a series of 8 different meditations? I’ve also found him on Spotify, but it seems like a slightly different series, so was thinking to try both anyway.

Thank you for this advice: “calm yourself down before crumbling, as you notice your distress starting to go up. Take a moment break from working every once in a while and check: how is my breathing? If it is shallow, take a deeper, slower inhalation and exhale naturally, do it a few times/ get up from your sit and move around, wash the dishes or whatnot, before you go back to sitting. If distress is high, take a walk, a second walk outside, or a shower.” I’ve been hit by hindsight as I read through your advice and this one in particular, has really highlighted how my poor attitude to physical health has directly impacted my mental health. When I usually work from home, which was one day week prior to lock down, I am usually terrible at taking breaks, getting up, stretching, even drinking water or eating lunch and on top of that I usually work well into the evening, because I’m home and I can. For the first two weeks, this is how we were both functioning (not moving much, working late) and I think we only left our flat maybe once or twice in that time. It explains a lot actually and I feel quite silly as I really spent those first few weeks just enjoying lockdown like it was an extended weekend: couch, wine/spliff (outside of working hours!) and crap TV til way too late. I can see now why I cracked when I did, and how I fell into this negative state of mind…

“think to yourself: he is distressed too, maybe even more than I am.” this is also gold. Thank you. I keep imagining what he’s thinking and going through now, wondering if he’s healing, and if he’s building up his strength to walk away, rather than try to rekindle anything. But you’re right that the most important thing I can do now is to respect his wishes and his space. Its good to keep hearing it, thank you.

On that note, do have a question around the practical topic of fresh food/produce. I’ve noticed that we have a whole bunch of food that needs to be eaten before it spoils. We’ve been managing our own meals whilst we’ve been separated and he’s not touched any of our shared produce. I don’t know how to practically approach this, as we spent a lot on fresh produce for lockdown and its now going to waste. I was thinking to write on his list, that I would be cooking and he is welcomed to have some if he wants? I’ve frozen what I can, so most of it is ok, but the rest, I’m not sure what to do with it – I’ve been using half portions and leaving the rest for him, but he’s not really touched any of it. I’m scared if I just use up everything, he’s going to accuse me of being selfish again. But if I don’t, it’ll go off and get wasted. Likewise, I worry that its also not appropriate to write messages on the list (rather things that need to be done.. which at present, is nothing..well nothing that I feel safe asking him to do). What are your thoughts on this?

Ah yes it’s very much self enforced, you’re right. An hour for a stroll is decent and I think should be easy to stick to, especially as the weather is getting nicer and warmer here.

It’s comforting to hear “forgive yourself for catching his crazy this time” and “He is motivated to trust you.”, thank you.

“If you make it possible for him to trust you, he will.” That really resonated with me and seems so obvious, reading it now. I’ve been so oblivious to my destruction.

It gives me hope that you think there is hope for us. I will find the strength and focus to be mindful and patient, and to nurture trust and love, not destroy it.

Thank you so so much Anita, you’ve been absolutely brilliant to chat with. Your words have been so calming and really what I’ve needed to hear. Hope wherever you are, you are well and safe. Thank you xx

Hi Anita, hope you’re well! Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried and failed in so many instances “…to not act or react when emotional. Postpone action to a time when you are calm, no longer.. under the influence of emotion.” But don’t often remember how important it is, until it’s unfortunately too late. I’ve previously undergone CBT and also couples therapy towards the end of things with my ex, some 10 years ago now too I think. It worked well but I’m ashamed to say that I’ve forgotten so much of what I had learnt then. I slipped back into the spiral of negativity and toxicity, got complacent about being mindful and in control of my emotions, I feel blinded by them at times. My current therapist doesn’t practice CBT and for a while I thought it was was still a good outlet, but I’m feeling like she’s not right, although I’ve been with her for almost 2 years now (and she’s one of few that I’ve been able to afford). I would like to quit with this therapist and practice CBT and more mindfulness on my own but am a bit scared to quit as she’s been a good person to vent to. How have you maintained the practices you learnt a decade ago? And how do you manage things, if you do slip up?

It’s reassuring to hear you think my “job at this point is easier than what I suggested because he already came up with two rules, all you have to do is attentively and respectfully practice his rules“. I hope so. Although, after my last post (before your reply), later in our evening he did engage me, but was completely enraged. Something on the list wasn’t done on my end and he completely erupted at me over it, to demonstrate my typical overreaction in a similar scenario. He made no sense at times, as he was frothing mad, but I could make out was that he was ​disgusted with himself for being in love with someone who has brought out the worst in him, something he swore he’d never become. With real trauma and tragedy dotted throughout his life, he can’t believe he put so much time and love into someone who could treat him like this and for so long.

I wound up saying how sorry I was and how I know now, how profoundly wrong I have been to blame him and make him feel so small and broken. My mental illness was never his problem, but I made it out like he was a trigger. I should’ve been fighting that war with myself, not with him and I know how horrible I’ve been to drag him down with me as I failed to even identify my distorted emotional reasoning. He explained he just could not be around me for now and that he couldn’t trust himself to make any decisions. I, regrettably, then blurted out that perhaps I could help make the decision easier and said as much as I want us to be together, and for me to change, I was scared of failing again and hurting him any more and that maybe it was better for us to part ways. But I don’t really want to, not one bit, despite knowing its wrong to stay. I just really want to change how I am but am terrified of failing and falling back in habits and hurting him again and again.

He was pretty upset, said I was thinking of myself again. And he’s not wrong. I wanted an answer, I wanted to know so I could satisfy my own need to know what to prepare for, I didn’t wait for him to calm down and decide what he wanted or what he had the capacity for. In my haste, I said we should probably break up, knowing full well I can’t go anywhere and I’m regretting this badly, I shouldn’t have spoken impulsively and been more patient without speaking whilst highly emotional.

After storming off he eventually came back out and apologised for the coldness and hostility of the last few days and for his earlier outburst. He said we were adults and could live in this space together in peace. He didn’t want me to try and move out, as he couldn’t forgive himself if I were to get sick in the process, as in spite of everything he still cared and still loved me. He asked that I keep using the list as he was still in no state to be around or engaged with me. And whilst still separated and still avoiding each other, there’s been some civil dialogue. I want to tell him I don’t want to split up, but I know I shouldn’t approach or engage him when he’s asked for distance to heal.

He didn’t want to swap rooms in the end. I offered to share the living space but he declined, although he said he would pop out if he wanted a smoke, rather than smoking in the bedroom (which he despises but has been doing these past few days). He’s popped out twice but we didn’t interact. I still want to make up with him so badly, and feel so desperate, despite having a peaceful day sun baking in the living room/balcony by myself. But you’re right, “his rules do not allow me to initiate anything that involves him” and I must “place his need to be left alone above my need…” I need to respect his request and not add to this damage.

You’ve said for him to relax and trust me again, I must provide “complete accommodation of his current two rules for as long as it takes.” Would you have any advice for keeping myself in check and maintaining this? I feel like I’m bursting at the seams and am scared to pop. I don’t want to make him any angrier and want to respect his wishes but I’m devastated. I’m fighting the urge to curl up and bawl my eyes out which I fear would set him off, if he popped out and saw me in that state.

Apologies for such a long rambling post. I just feel like I’m falling apart. Writing this all out and reading your responses have been such big help to me in this really difficult time. Yu’ve been a beacon of hope and I feel some calm reading over what you’ve shared, thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to respond to me here.

Thank you so so much Anita. RTSL sounds perfect. Wish we had been able to define some RTSL before things got so bad. I could feel it coming on, and was stuck in a negative loop for a few days leading up to this bust-up. Its surreal to think how adamant I was about being justified in how I felt and now, I can see clearly how wrong I was and how I have been so wrong, this whole time.

I like the two rules you’ve suggested. I think they actually sound like great rules to live by in general, wish I had discovered this forum earlier and had this chat with you before things escalated to what they are now. I’m not sure I’m in any position to ask anything of him currently, as I’ve been the one that was so disrespectful and angry and set all this conflict into motion. Its like he’s holding up a mirror to me now. I’ve tried to apologise but he won’t engage (headphones in, won’t look at me, or just leaves the room/slams door if I try to speak to him). I don’t think he can forgive me this time and seems like he’s shut the door on me completely now, rather than just putting up the wall.

He’s asked to be left alone, doesn’t want to hear my voice and doesn’t want to be around me, so we remain separated, one in each room of the flat. He’s asked for anything that needs his doing, to be written up on a list that he’s stuck up on the wall. So yesterday it was our household chores, something we usually tackle on the weekend, and deciding what days we’d swap spaces. Whilst its a practical idea, it feels really bitter, as a chore list was something we had intended to set up at the start of the year but didn’t. One of my many complaints was that our household responsibilities didn’t feel fairly split, and didn’t feel like they were within his consideration/line of sight, I felt a lot of resentment and thought that it often fell to me, to flag that something was needed to be done/fixed/replenished. I felt like I picked up the slack always and that it wasn’t fairly reciprocated, I often felt let down and frustrated. I’d voice my feelings on the matter frequently, believing it was in our interest to communicate my discontent and thought by doing so, I was being open and “we” would work through them (i.e. have him change). I just could not let things go and they’d fester and I’d erupt. I realise now that these bothers were completely irrelevant and I know I’ve been incredibly judgmental, ungrateful and short-sighted. I’ve been just as incapable of change, but for something so much more insidious than just being a little absent minded. He’s been his wonderful self, loving and so sweet to me and I’ve done nothing but criticise and warp small matters into things that felt like our relationship depended on it. I have days where I feel like I am nothing, and shouldn’t exist, and he’s always picked me back up, but its like I turn on him, and bite the hand that feeds, kind of thing. I hate myself so much.

Do you think I could perhaps tackle these RSLT with a perspective that I’m going to have to go it alone for the time being? As in, I don’t think he’ll react well to me asking for these RSLT, but I can maybe just practice anyways, by myself? Until his anger subsides, I think anything I say or try will just be scoffed at or perceived as antagonising. So I’m wary of trying to engage at all and want to proceed with caution. I know when the hurt isn’t so raw we may be able to talk but for now I’m cautious of any interaction. Feel like its safer to just keep to myself right now and mind myself. We managed to agree on swapping spaces every two days, so today I should be moving into the bedroom… but all I want is a big hug and to be cuddled up in his arms. Would it be wrong of me to ask him for this? Would it do more harm than good right now?