I read through all these comments a while ago, and since all the comments gave me relief by me noticing I am not alone (altough I am sorry all of you are struggling) I wanted to come back with my thoughts. I struggled with so many things mentioned in the comments.

My past relationships had been constant roller coasters: One long-distance romance that went on years and was more than toxic at most, one half a year relationship where my partner left me in the end, and one heated affair with a person who kept me hooked but just couldn’t let themself go since they had very hard traumas with their own past. In all these I was very much playing the part of a typical people-pleaser. Didn’t get much for myself, but gave 200% for the other. But what I got, was constant bursts of dopamine. High highs, very low lows, that gave me this “safe” stimulus that made me feel something, something strong.

Then about almost three years ago, I met with my current partner. First year we hooked up every now and then. I had a crush on them, but it was kind of clear we won’t be anything serious. After a year though, we started to hang out a bit more, and in couple of months we had to admit to each other that we have strong feelings and want to be together. From the first moments I have felt safe with them. They gave me back as much as I gave them. They were just for me, as in love as I was, and showed me that they want to be with me in good and in bad. We noticed that we have very much in common regarding what we want from life. For the first time in my life I felt like this is real. I’m getting what I really deserve. Happy and SAFE relationship. 100% safe. And still nowadays there is nothing toxic. We can talk about everything and they are willing to improve if something needs attention.

Then just half a year into this happines, I just one day noticed this thought in my head “What if I don’t love them anymore” and there my hell began. I felt constantly numb and couldn’t catch the in love feelings anymore. This continued about a month. I was so anxious that eventually I stopped eating and sleeping. Then I finally confessed these feelings to a couple of friends, and finally to my partner. We agreed to take a little break. Not break up but to breath. And miraculously this was it. I somehow stopped to have this obsession around the theme and I managed to drop all the expectations. Then all the feelings came back. We took things slowly, and everything seemed “normal” again.

Then about two weeks into this bliss, I had a stressful day. We had agreed to meet, but I was tired. I went anyway, and then I noticed the thoughts again. I can’t feel anything, I feel even annoyed by them. I got so scared and anxious again, and I was in the deep black hole again. I was stressing, googling similar situations, trying to force those feelings back.

Finally after a month into struggling severely I got to know about OCD, and more precisely about relationship OCD. My symptomps fit perfectly with this disorder. I regognized I have a lot of trauma from relationships, also from emotional abandoning from my childhood. It is quite reasonable that I got symptomps now that I am finally in a safe relationship. There is space for my trauma to pop up. This is the safest relationship I have ever had. And it is unfamiliar and unpredictable for me. I am scared, I am frightened. I am so afraid to lose them, because that’s what always happened. If I am not perfect or my feelings aren’t perfect, my partner will leave me, abandon me. Etc.

I am still struggling very much. It’s been over a year now. And my feelings never came back flowing. But I have been working a lot, also with a therapist, and little by little I notice myself trusting more and more. Especially since my partner is supporting me 100%. I want to work through this, I want to get it work with my partner. They deserve it, but also I DO DESERVE IT. I could choose to escape forever and find my constant easy toxic dopamine rushes, but that would just mean neglecting myself for forever.

There are many good articles about ROCD, Pure ocd (ocd without visible compulsions) and rumination. And also good channels on youtube. Here is one example of videos that helped me https://youtu.be/L5Qw-O8hp9g?feature=shared

I clarify, that I am not saying you all are suffering from ROCD, but it is worth to check out since it can give at least some perspective on how trauma can affect our mind.

I am happy to answer if you have further questions!