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philozopherParticipantHi Anna,
This does sound very similar to my last relationship and I was with him for 6 years on and off. I kept hoping that he would change The same issues cropped up again and again – mainly, my wanting to move the relationship forward and living together and he kept saying “if these things change then maybe” keeping me dangling on the edge of the rope. I see now that he wasn’t committed to the relationship from the start and that he was the one that needed to change, not me. In the end his actions just didn’t match his words and he just stopped communicating to me. When the break up came, it was quick and vicious and left me reeling.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend isn’t that committed to your relationship or you wouldn’t keep going round and round in circles. My suggestion is, is you are stuck in a rut like you say, then work on yourself and getting yourself out of the rut. See a counsellor or healer and work on your anxiety issues. Take a step back from the relationship and let things happen organically. If the relationship is worth something to him, he will figure it out without any pressure. It’s a year of your life and you are young (sorry for that cliché, but it’s true 🙂
Wish you all the best
E
philozopherParticipantHi Patricia,
I have just registered (after hovering for a couple of weeks) to reply to your message as it struck a chord with me. I have just been dumped for a third time by a man with narcissistic tendencies – yes, I did allow myself to go back to this man after he broke it off with me twice before! Each time lasted a two years before the emotional abuse got so out of control that he finished with me blaming me for everything. So, first of all, well done to you for recognising the abuse and breaking free of it yourself. I am currently beating up on myself for allowing myself to waste 6 years of my life on this man. I am 45 btw so feel as if I have given away my last childbearing /marriageable years believing he would change.
Another element that resonated with me was the fact that I too had a narcissistic mother. She died a long time ago and I have had a lot of therapy over the years to deal with the emotional abuse from that relationship. And so, now, I find I am grieving on a scale that is overwhelming because issues from my past are also coming up. I am currently seeing a counsellor and a spiritual healer and it is helping me identify my issues both from the past with my mother and my addiction to men who are emotionally abusive and incapable of loving me as I deserve.
I nearly cried when I saw that you wrote: “It’s hard to take a good look at yourself and realise that you weren’t loved as a child or as an adult” because I feel exactly the same right now. But are you sure that you don’t even have friends who love you? I know that I do and I am trying to reconnect with them…one at a time. I am writing a journal every day and filling it with positive affirmations, even if it is just a hug from someone. I have to tell myself every day that my life is not over, that people meet people that love them every day, that it all starts with loving myself. Love yourself and the rest will follow. It has only been a month since my break up and some days I am crying all day but I am also letting a whole lot of other issues out. Please don’t beat up on yourself.
All the best
E
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