Hey Anita,

Thank you so much for your reply, I will answer your last question first, “ passion to one day turn an emotionally unavailable person into someone loving?” This would definitely be my 2nd boyfriend who I dated for just one year back in 2015 and then spent the next 6 years chasing after him. Always in the hopes that he would start to love me the way I loved him. (Yep he was just using my girlfriend privileges, wife privileges even, as I lived with him) (thank God I don’t have kids, so it doesn’t complicate the situation) but Overtime I hardened my heart and and just continued to give him love without expecting anything in return. That was more than enough for me for a while. Until I met my current boyfriend who comes from a similar maybe even more damaging relationship, so we both know what it is like to be hurt or used and has led us to be so kind and nurturing to one another.

Maybe you are right and these are also the exact words my second therapist used, “ it’s natural that something calm—even healthy—might feel unfamiliar. Less “exciting,” maybe. Less known.”
She said my hearts compass is damaged while my brain tried to reason with logic” logically straying with my current boyfriend feels like im investing in my future and my wellbeing but my heart wants to do something out there, put myself in a situation where i feel a lack of security and i face the world myself (the thrill i suppose) and i wonder how to make this feeling stop! In this case I would take a break and get it out of my system but he is not ready to wait around for me while I go about being indecisive. Which I fully understand. But I feel like this has cornered me into a situation where my next move feels like a guess not a decision and I will have to be surprised by either “relief or regret”

But we will definitely make couples therapy a priority to answer these questions forming within me and sparing us both a very stupid decision. We both take marriage very seriously, as both our parents didn’t have good marriages and we don’t want history repeating itself and us hating and resenting each other.