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January 6, 2014 at 5:35 pm #48544Nathan MorganParticipant
I appreciate the advice from both of you. I really do. I am sorry that it has taken so long to respond. I’ve just been meditating on all of this. And while it seemed to have worked the first few times to let go, it seems like it just comes back. I am trying, though. So that’s a start. It can be hard.. I think I am just afraid that if I was a bad person in my past.. what would people think if it came to light? What would I think of myself then? The whole thing just tugs at my heartstrings and gives me a sick feeling in my gut. I often think that, perhaps, maybe I am imagining the whole thing? Like maybe this is some sort of.. I don’t know, imaginative nostalgia? No one in my family, my friends, nor anyone else that I know has told me that I am a bad person, that I have done bad things or said bad things.. not really ever. Although I don’t remember much, I do know that I did have a hot head when I was younger.. and I have worked to resolve that and so far it has worked out. But.. everything else.. I don’t know. Recently I have thought about giving up. I am married and I love my wife so much. I couldn’t imagine life without her. There was a time I contemplated suicide, quite often. I felt worthless, unimportant.. I felt as if every one and every thing would be better without me in the world. But then she came along and made everything better. Her smile and her laughter just lifts me up, always. I have just been having an internal battle with myself. I’ve told her what I am dealing with and she says that I have no idea how good of a person I am. And I know I’m not a bad, cruel, evil, heartless person. I know I have good qualities, I just.. It frightens me and hurts me so much that if I harmed someone in any way in my past life, I just don’t think I could live with myself. Like I said, I have thought about giving up and just throwing in the towel because it seems so hard to see past it all and move forward and create a better, more peaceful future for both myself and my wife. But something keeps me from giving up.. I just wish I had the answer. I wish I could just close my eyes for a moment and then open them to a fresh start, ya know? Am I losing my mind? I really don’t know.
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