First of all thanks for your kind replies. It has helped quite a bit but somehow I keep relapsing into a horrible way of thinking. I don’t know what to do about myself nor my life and it’s really frightening to me. I’ve had the strength before to overcome difficulties in life but just…how broken am I now? Is there hope for me to be a normal person at some point? I just feel so lost right now…

I think.. because I’ve been so deprived from life before now I have this bad habit of clinging to people passing by in my life. It’s horrible not only to me but to them as well. A voice in my head tells me “Don’t give up. Learn to love yourself and when you do let this guy see you for how much better you can be and you can take it from there!” and another part of my head is telling my that I’m being foolish in clinging to the possibility of having a normal relationship with him. Either as a friend of whatever else.

I literally just laid in bed crying pleading to God to give me a sign on what should I do. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore. It’s like I’m becoming mental.