hello Gabrielle. I really resonate with your comments. You sound like you are much younger than I am (I’m 46) and I am so happy that you are questioning these things at this point in your life. Once you figure out your answers, you will have many more years of ‘better’ life with your well deserved understanding of yourself. While I don’t know that I have any great suggestions to ‘what to do’, I would suggest that maybe you would be interested in googling ‘highly sensitive person’ on the internet. This is a description I only recently found, and I think it describes for me lots of my past experience & reaction. My own experience of being highly sensitive to other peoples negative emotions and never learning good coping skills for that, I have used lots of precious personal energy in emotional places that weren’t helpful for me.

Your sense of compassion for your family, your troupe, your audience- that is a commendable aspect of your personality!!! My experience has been that I allowed a similar sense of devotion toward others to prevent me from devoting an equal amount of compassion and energy into MY OWN life. When I found a similar sense of ‘flatness’ in my emotional life (you use the words emotional oppression, heaviness, holding back a wall) I think what was happening inside me was that my spirit, having been starved for so long (maybe longer than you’ve been alive…so a very small, sad spirit at that point 🙁 – that spirit was on it’s last legs, and desperately crying out for some nurturing.

Some things to think about- if you don’t have a supportive network, because you have been the support for others until now, you will want to find a few people who can nurture you, who are safe and trust worthy. I have a group at my sangha that I trust and rely on, some people from my UU church, and a couple of personal girlfriends. That network is vital to me, and was extremely hard for me to develop, as I don’t easily trust, or allow myself to be vulnerable. It is tricky, because people all have their own issues, and when you are in a low energy place, some people with less than loving intent might get involved… 🙁

another thing to be aware of- When you shift from being the support for others, to reserving some of your energy for yourself, they sometimes feel hurt, or scared, lost, rejected…. they may have negative reactions to your growth. and that’s ok- that’s their truth, but it’s not your ‘fault’. You are just as deserving of your time, love, energy, and compassion… you just need practice in how to set more helpful boundaries for yourself.

be well dear. you are on a good path 🙂 you are smart, resilient, compassionate, and young. these things can work themselves out with some time, and nurturing. and just like on the airplane, when they tell you to put the air mask on yourself before putting it on your loved-ones… when you are stronger, you will be even more resilient, and compassionate. and then you really can move mountains.

Blessing

_/\_ Lee